Aging

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?

~Satchel Paige~

I still live in the town I grew up in. I still have a few friends from high school that I see regularly. I think because I have continued to see them, they still look the same to me. It's different when I run into people I haven't seen in 20 years.

While shopping today I saw someone I went to high school with. I wasn't really friends with her, she was in the class below me. But I knew who she was. When I saw her I knew it was her. It looked just liked her. Except (wait for it.....) She looked REALLY OLD!!!!!!

I can't comprehend this old thing. I see myself everyday and I don't think I look old. I see my sister (who is 5 years older than me) and my friends who are the same age as me....and I don't think we look old. But then I run into someone I haven't seen in years and she looks old. And it wasn't just this woman. Every time I see someone from high school whom I haven't seen in 20 years, they look old to me. Which must mean I look old to them.

I don't feel old. Sure some days my body hurts in places it never used to. I certainly don't have the physique I had 20 years ago, but my brain, it feels the same. When I look at myself, aside from the grey hair and the laugh lines, I look the same. At least I think I do...(I suppose my hubby may beg to differ). How did I get to be 40 years old?

I can't understand people who say every birthday is their 29th. I am not a fan of plastic surgery. I do think I can grow old gracefully. It's not the looking old or even the number that bothers me. It's the actual aging......getting old. I just can't wrap my mind around it. I can't imagine myself in 20 years. When I am 60 will I still think I look the same? Will I still think I feel the same? Do you ever reach a point where it hits you that you are just not the same person you were when you were 20? Because I know right now at 40, I still feel like the same person.

I'm afraid of getting old. I don't want to die. I don't want to even think about dying. It scares the crap out of me. I know as a Christian I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. I throw myself into a panic attack every time I think about getting old and dying. I have this brain that needs to know. I need to know exactly what is going to happen. I need assurance. I am freaked out about the whole idea of forever and forever. How can something be forever and ever? How can God have no beginning and no end? Everything has a beginning and an end. These are the thoughts that keep me up at night.

So I just go on doing what I do. Living day to day. I don't like to think too far into the future, because the future is unknown and I don't do well with the unknown. I know the end will come for me. It comes for everyone. That's just the way it is. (Freaking out here!) And the way I feel time flying by, I know it will be sooner than I think. I feel like my first 40 years went by so quickly, and I am sure the last 40 will feel twice as fast. Maybe I can make it to 100, and so maybe I have 60 more years to look forward to. Maybe I am not at the 1/2 way point yet. Maybe I need to keep telling myself that. Even if my body starts to fail me, I wonder if I will still feel 20 in my mind when I am 100?

The great secret that all old people share is that you really haven't changed in seventy or eighty years. Your body changes, but you don't change at all. And that, of course, causes great confusion.

~Doris Lessing~

Unconscious Mutterings time again

Here I go again........

1. Loneliness :: sadness


2. Traffic :: maddening


3. Chaos :: swirling


4. Burp :: loudly


5. 500 :: I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more (the Proclaimers : )


6. Movie :: Theater


7. Coma :: tose


8. Bark :: bite


9. Stare :: longingly


10. Angelina :: ballerina

Not sure what this is telling me about my psyche, but I enjoy doing it!

Want to give it a try? Unconscious Mutterings

Right to Bear Arms

In light of today's proper ruling by the Supreme Court of the United States, I thought I would share a few pictures my hubby took of our youngest daughter this last weekend.

My husband and I were sitting on our deck enjoying the weather and a few brewskies (that's beer for those not familiar with Chicago lingo : )

My youngest daughter came out to see us, and she was wearing her finest commando outfit. No reason for said outfit, she just found some things that matched and put them on. This inspired my hubby to run to the basement and retrieve a few of his guns so he could take some pictures of our lovely daughter holding them.

She normally has a much happier look on her face......she was trying to look mean, LOL.

I am happy to know that we will continue to have the legal right to own our guns, and that we will be able to teach our daughters how to arm and defend themselves when they get older.

I always like it when our government gets something right.

"No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

~Thomas Jefferson, Proposed Virginia Constitution, 1776, Jefferson Papers 344~

Unconscious Mutterings

It's Unconscious Mutterings time again............

1. Goodbye :: Hello


2. Cage :: Bird


3. Buddy :: Friend


4. Magic words :: Please


5. Library :: Read


6. Fall in love :: Sweet


7. Tense :: Stressed


8. Work! :: Play


9. Empty :: Full


10. Heat wave :: Love it!

Want to give it a try?

Unconscious mutterings

Once

Saw a pretty good movie last night. It's called "Once". It's kind of a musical/bittersweet love story. Here's what it says on the "official" site for the movie:

"A modern day musical set on the streets of Dublin. Featuring Glen Hansard from the Irish band "The Frames," the film tells the story of a street musician and a Czech immigrant during an eventful week as they write, rehearse and record songs that reveal their unique love story."

My 13 year old daughter and I really enjoyed it. It has a bit of foul language (lots of the F-word), but hey, it's Irish!

I put most of the songs from the movie on my playlist below.......they are playing now if you have it on. If you like the music, you'll like the movie : )

Beastie's

God made all the creatures and gave them our love and our fear,To give sign, we and they are His children, one family here.

~Robert Browning~

I have a new beastie in my yard. It's a Groundhog, aka Woodchuck, aka Whistlepig......yes Whistlepig.....who knew?

So on top of the squirrels, mice, birds, raccoons, possums, (stray cats) and the occasional skunk, we now have a Groundhog. We didn't mow our lawn for a while (we've had lots of rain in Illinois ; ) and so we had some clover growing. Groundhogs like clover. I was looking into my backyard a week or so ago, and there he was, munching on the clover in my un-mowed backyard.

Here he is....isn't he cute?

Not a great picture, we had to take it through the window because every time we opened the door he ran away. But you get the idea.

I am still amazed at how much wildlife I have around here. I live in town, just a few streets away from a major roadway. It is an established neighborhood, our house is over 50 years old. I'm happy that I can still provide a bit of an oasis to my little beastie friends. They are slowly running out of places to live. I think they've been spreading the word that my yard is the place to be.

Because the heart beats under a covering of hair, of fur, feathers, or wings, it is, for that reason, to be of no account?

~Jean Paul Richter~

Being a "Christian"

God does not lead all His servants by one road, nor in one way, nor at one time; for God is in all things; and that man is not serving God aright, who can only serve Him in his own self-chosen way.

~ John Tauler~

After writing my last post I got to thinking. Here is part of my dilemma: I feel as if I am not Christian enough for my Christian friends, and am too Christian for my non-Christian friends. I am a sinner, I know that. I have accepted the Lord and feel I am saved. I don't try to shove it down people's throats everywhere I go. I am not afraid for my children to mix and mingle with "non-Christians". I'm not sure where I stand on creationism. I do believe God created the world, not sure I believe it word for word how the Bible says it happened. I believe Catholics are Christians. (I know a lot of Christians who don't). I am not teaching my daughters that they have to submit to a man. I want them to be respected and be equals. If THEY should choose a relationship where they want to be submissive (I hope they don't personally), I want it to be their choice, not because MAN has interpreted the Bible his way and tells them they must submit to be a "Good Christian Wife". I don't teach my children that they must obey me and not question. I don't tell them them they don't have the right "heart" if they do something begrudgingly. I try to treat them as equals, because that is how I see them. They are people, just like me. I am not greater than they are, and I don't believe the Bible says I am. I don't believe "spare the rod" means to beat your children. I don't believe there is any place in the Bible that commands parents to hit their children. I could go on and on, but you must get my point. These are issues than can really divide some Christians.

So as I continue to wander in the desert, I need to figure out what I do truly believe and what I don't. Some would tell me to just believe every single thing written in the Bible. But do they really mean that? Do they really think everything written in the Old Testament is meant to be interpreted and applied literally to today? Some people say the New Testament trumps the old, some say the entire book is meant to be followed. It seems no matter how well schooled, no matter how Holy people feel they are, many people interpret the Bible in different ways. Even among Christians there are many schools of thought regarding the meanings in the Bible. Maybe one doesn't need schooling to figure it all out. (What an unschooley thought : ) Maybe one just needs to open their heart and have the Lord speak directly to them. Which is what I am trying to do in my desert.

A rule I have had for years is: to treat the Lord Jesus Christ as a personal friend. His is not a creed, a mere doctrine, but it is He Himself we have.

Dwight L. Moody 1837-1899, American Evangelist

Church?

Not all religion is to be found in the church, any more than all knowledge is found in the classroom.

~Author Unknown~

I haven't been to my church since last December. (It is a non-denominational Christian church.) And the only reason I went then was because my youngest daughter wanted to see the Christmas play. She wasn't in it, which is one of the reasons I don't want to go back to my church. You see it's very cliquey there. I started going in 1999. I was a Catholic, searching for something more. I did find it there for a little while. But I soon came to see the hierarchy of those who attended. There are a lot of "popular" people in my church. A lot of them are musicians. It's very musical/theatrical. It seems to really raise on a pedestal those who are musicians. It also seems to favor those who have been around for a very long time. And those who seem to have the "fire of the Lord" in them. If you can't play music then you must be extremely Holy. If you are neither of those, you tend to stay on the fringes. But there is still one more chance for you if the other two fail. You just need to get in with the right crowd. You need to become friends with the popular people. I had enough of that stuff in high school.

So I finally got to the point where I just didn't want to have to deal with the theatrics and the cliques on Sunday morning. It was distracting to me, and it was beginning to affect my children. See, the children of the favored ones were also cliquey. So my daughters got overlooked for things like Christmas plays and VBS skits. My oldest didn't have any friends in her junior high group. They didn't want to go anymore, and I couldn't blame them. I didn't want to go anymore either. So I haven't and neither have they. My DH still goes because he is a musician and he likes to play with the band. So now he goes by himself.

Isn't it a shame that I have to feel this way about a Christian church? Why is it that Christians can act so un-Christian towards other Christians?

I'm not sure how I should proceed from here. If the Catholics weren't so Catholic, I think I would like to go back there. I miss the reverence of a Catholic church. But I don't agree with a lot of their beliefs, and I don't want to have to tell my children what they should believe and what they should discard. But that is a big part of the problem. I have disagreements with a lot of what many church's practice. So what to do? Well for now, I do nothing. I still discuss the bible and the Lord with my girls. They have quite a bit of biblical knowledge, in their heads and in their hearts. So they appear to me to be on the right path. It would be nice to find a church body where I feel we'd fit, and my girls could be part of a youth community. But I just can't see how to make that happen.

Which bring me back to the bible. Are we really called to "join a church"? Or are we called to be part of the body of believers? I am still a believer, so doesn't that still make me part of the body? I know it is God's will that we join together with others. Can I not just join together with my family for a while? I think so, which is why I haven't been to church since last December. It's funny how much less stress I feel not going to church. And in a funny way I feel closer to God not going. I often was at odds with things preached and practiced in my church, so how can one feel close to the Lord when one doesn't even agree with what is being taught?

I know what I beleive and I know what I don't believe. I know I am a Christian and I know I am saved. As far as going back to a church, I think I'll just wander here in the desert for a while.

Everyday people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

~Lennie Bruce, The Essential Lennie Bruce, 1972~

Thanks to Stephanie, I am now addicted to Unconscious Mutterings! It helps to kill the time : )

1. Purchase :: Order
2. Squeaky clean :: Hair
3. Blended :: Cream
4. Wednesday :: Thursday
5. Function :: Work
6. Look down :: Look up
7. July? :: August
8. Raspberry :: Cobbler
9. Assertive :: Agressive
10. Cracker :: Uncle

Want to try? Unconscious Mutterings

Death

We understand death for the first time when he puts his hand upon one whom we love.

~Madame de Stael~

Today is the 4th anniversary of my mothers death. May 31 was the 10th anniversary of my fathers death. This time of year is a bit depressing for me. My dad died when he was only 56. Pancreatic cancer. We found out 6 months before he died. My mother would die 6 years later. She lived pretty recklessly after my father died. They had known each other since they were 14. I think in the end she wanted to die. Her life did not go well after he left, she was never really happy again. While they had their problems it was obvious to everyone they loved each other.

There's quite a long sordid story involved around my mothers death. Suffice it to say, it was unexpected, sprung upon us quickly. We knew she was sick, she had been in the hospital for some time. but we never thought she was near death. At least not until 4 days before she died. She was in Florida, my sister and I are in Illinois and my brother is in Arizona. In retrospect we should have gone down to see her well before she became so ill. We thought she was being taken care of. No point in looking back now. She ended up bleeding internally, and it could not be stopped. When they found her she was already in kidney failure. By the time we got to her late on a Saturday night (midnight actually, after flying most of the afternoon, or really sitting at O'Hare airport most of the afternoon) she was near death. All of her organs were failing. She was on life support. They were pumping bags of blood into her. It wasn't pretty. After talking to the doctor, we ended up taking her off life support at 7 am that Sunday morning.

It's a funny thing when your parents die. I wasn't particularly close to my dad. I loved him, but he was an emotionally closed man, and it was hard to get deep with him. I had a few conversations with him as I got older, and I suspect that had he lived, our relationship probably would've deepened. I was still greatly upset at his passing. I was only 30 years old. My kids were only one and three. They would never get to hear his laugh, (he had a great laugh). They would never get to hear his jokes, or listen to his political views. He was a smart man and had a lot of good thoughts on a lot of things. It's a loss I feel for my children but they'll never know. Recently we watched an old home video, and my youngest didn't even realize it was my dad (her grandfather) in one of the videos. That is sad to me.

When my mom died I not only mourned her, I mourned my dad all over again. Something happens to you when you realize both of your parents are gone. Maybe not for everyone, but I re-lived my whole life. I flashed back to my childhood, to stories my parents told, I thought about my grandparents and living in New York and moving to Illinois. Everything kind of came back in waves. I couldn't stop thinking of my life with my parents and how now they were gone. I was 36 and I was an orphan. I know it seems weird to say, I was an adult with my own family, but I still felt like an orphan. No parents, no grandparents, everyone (besides my siblings) from my family of origin was gone. Both of my parents were only children. Maybe if they had siblings that were still alive I wouldn't have felt so alone. I don't know. It was a very lonely time. I cried a lot after that. The first holidays with no parents were very lonely times. Even though I hadn't spent all of those holidays' with them, especially since they lived so far away, I couldn't call them or talk to them. I used to call my mom every Thanksgiving to talk with her while I made her Thanksgiving stuffing. I knew how to make it, but I was always afraid I was going to forget something. So I would call her to make sure. It was weird to make it that first year and not be able to call her.

So here it is, 10 years since my dad died and 4 since my mom. Time goes by so very quickly. It just doesn't seem that long ago. The pain has lessened with time, but I do still really miss them. It makes me worry about my own children. I don't want them to go through this pain when their father and I go. Maybe if my parents had been older it wouldn't have hurt so much. Maybe if they hadn't died when they were still relatively young and healthy. It seems a blessing sometimes when older people go. They are unhealthy, or in pain, or forget who they are. People grieve then, but also feel relieved. I never felt relieved after my parents died. I felt cheated.

Despite my sadness, my parents live on. They are still alive in my memories. They are in the pictures I keep. They are in the stories I tell. I see my own mother in my face. I hear my father in the things I say. I see my father in my sister and I hear my mother in my brother. As their parents lived on through them, they now live on through us.

So here's to you mom and dad. I know you must be together, I can't believe God could be so cruel to keep you apart. I hope right now you are walking down a sandy beach picking up shells and watching the sunset with a martini in your hands. I look forward to the day when I will see you both again. I love you.

Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life.

~Albert Einstein~