My Dad

Old as she was, she still missed her daddy sometimes.

~Gloria Naylor~

My dad died 11 years ago today. He was 56. I am amazed at how quickly the time has gone by. My youngest was one, today she is 12. She never knew my dad and that makes me pretty sad. Carley doesn't remember him either, she was only 3.

He was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer in Nov. of 1996. Here he is just 3 months prior to diagnosis (with me and my mom and my 5 month old, Catherine):


The doctors told him he had 3-6 months to live. He chose not to do Chemo or radiation, he wanted to have the best quality of life for his remaining few months. He did seek out some alternative remedies, and I think they helped him make it to the 6 month mark. My parents lived in Florida at the time, and I lived in IL. I was able to get down and see him twice before he died. We went down in December and again in March.

He died near midnight on the night of May 31st. I wasn't there when he died, my sister and my brother were. I had a 3 year old and a 1 year old. I was still nursing my 1 year old. I wanted to be there, but my mom and sister told me I couldn't bring my girls, that it would be too stressful on everyone. He was in and out of coherent near the end, but I did have my mom put the phone up to him and told him I was sorry I couldn't be there. I just couldn't leave my girls. I think he understood.

I didn't always have the best relationship with my dad growing up. He could be a mean son-of-a-gun when he wanted to be. But most of the time he was pretty reserved and rather jovial. He liked to read and passed that love to me. He taught me to play chess. Life was simple for my dad and he had clear boundaries of right and wrong. He was a staunch conservative and I thank him for those values. I never had a very emotional relationship with my dad, we never told the other we loved each other, although we did hug and kiss. I remember when I was really small he used to carry me to bed on his shoulders each night. And I remember even into high school kissing him good-night before bed.

Here he is on a Fathers Day when I was about 20 (that's me on the right):


Just before he died I wrote him a letter. I wanted him to know that I although I had blamed him in the past for screwing me up, that I no longer did and that I knew he had done the best he knew how in raising me. He had a horrible childhood with a very abusive father. His childhood was worse than mine. I thanked him for being my dad and told him I loved him. I waited for a reply and finally my mother called me and told me that my dad had read the letter and cried. My dad and I never spoke about the letter and we didn't need to. He heard what I said, it made him cry, that was enough for me.

Time lessens pain but doesn't remove it. I don't think about him everyday anymore, but I do think about him frequently. And I still remember the day he died. Most of all I look forward to seeing him again one day.

Here's a picture of my dad and mom in the bar in the house I grew up in. They had their issues, but I always knew they loved each other:

We understand death for the first time when he puts his hand upon one whom we love.
~Madame de Stael~

The "Sisterhood"

I have been utterly shocked and disgusted with the response from some women in regards to John McCain's pick of Sarah Palin for vice president. I knew girls could be mean when I was in high school, but these are adults. Come on ladies, did you ever grow up?

I am a conservative woman. According to one “scholar” women who are conservative aren’t really women. I guess unless you are happy to murder your unborn children, you aren’t considered a woman in some camps. Isn’t it funny how they demand they have the right to kill their unborn children, but they don't think you should have the right to bear arms and defend yourself against someone who wants to do you or your family harm.

I guess I just do not understand the outrage. Isn’t feminism all about raising girls to be whatever they want to be? I used to believe that was what feminists were fighting for. My mom considered herself to be a feminist. She always told me and my sister that we needed to learn how to care for ourselves. We didn’t need a man to survive. My mom worked, full time, from the time I was about 4. I was put in daycare in NYC in 1972. I think it was one of the first day care centers open to the public. When we moved to Illinois, due to the transfer of my father within his company, one of the first things my mom did was get another job. I was a latch-key kid. I had an older brother and sister, but they were usually busy after school, so from 3rd grade on, I mostly came home to an empty house. But I could take care of myself. I knew how.

My mother also felt my brother needed to learn how to care for himself, so he didn’t treat a woman as a housekeeper. As soon as we could see the dials on the washing machine, we washed our own clothes. We learned how to cook for ourselves by age 8. We all got jobs as soon as possible. I was babysitting at 11 and cleaning offices by age 13.

Suffice it to say, my sister and I grew up knowing we didn’t NEED a man, and my brother grew up knowing he didn’t NEED a woman. We were self sufficient. The fulfillment of my mothers feministic dream. She raised her kids to be something she wasn’t. See, my mom married my dad at age 20. They dated since high school. She had my sister one year after her marriage, and my brother the next year after that. This was in the sixties, right when women were just getting their voice. She felt like she missed it. She wanted to be that bra burner, but she had two babies at home, and soon she had three (me). So she passed on her dreams to her children. Only we realized, or at least I realized, that her dream wasn’t reality. Feminists today are not the feminists of my mothers era.

It seems to me that all feminists care about today is abortion. Women must be allowed to kill their unborn babies. Under any circumstances. Babies are an inconvenience, a mistake. Girls shouldn’t be punished with mistakes, says Mr. Obama. If you don’t believe that, you can’t be part of their club. Nope, no conservative woman, who believes all babies are a gift from God could ever be a feminist. And if you happen to believe in that pesky savior, Jesus, and his teaching in the Bible, then you probably aren’t even a woman. No feminist woman could possibly believe in a a book written by men.

I was happy to see Hillary Clinton running for President. I certainly didn’t share her values or positions, but I did feel it was about time a woman had a chance to run for the highest office in our country. Many women around the world have already proven they have/had what it takes to lead : Margaret Thatcher, Indira Ghandi, Golda Meir, Benazir Bhutto, Angela Merkel, Mary Robinson and too many more to list.

Why is it that some women in this country keep saying “I wanted a woman to run (Hillary) but I didn’t want that woman (Sarah Palin)”. Pity, that as women we can’t just seem to support other women. We could agree to disagree and still be supportive. You can say to someone “Good for you, I applaud your accomplishments, but I don’t plan to vote for you, I don't share your views”. I think that is what many conservative women did in regards to Hillary. Sadly, the liberal women have all turned into attack dogs against Sarah. Guess their true colors are finally showing. It isn’t about supporting women, it’s about supporting their own selfish causes. And if a woman happens to be supporting their causes, hoorah. But if not, to hell with feminism and women's accomplishments, they'd rather take the man.

There is a special place in hell for women who do not help other women.

~Madeleine K. Albright~