Perfect Childhood?

Is there such a thing as a "perfect childhood"?  Is it possible to raise children who don't look back as adults and wish they had been raised differently?  I don't think so.  

Maybe some think their childhood was ok, maybe some think it was great, but I have never known an adult who didn't wish maybe something was different growing up.  Maybe it's in our wiring to never be completely happy, maybe we are always looking for something better, but whatever it is, I think striving to give our kids the "perfect childhood" with the hope that they will look back with stars in their eyes and nothing but wonderment is a waste of time. 

Now don't get me wrong, I don't think we as parents should slack off and not care about how we raise our children.  I still think we should love them like crazy and do our best, but I do think some of us need to surrender the idea that our kids might not hate us when they grow up (if they don't already hate us now!)  Of course I don't mean hate in that they'll kill us while we sleep, I mean hate as in they wish we had done things differently. 

I know many will disagree with me, and a few years ago I would have disagreed with myself.  I thought, a few years back, that I was doing such a bang up job that there was no way I was going to turn out kids who had nothing bad to say about their upbringing, hahahahaha.  I was so delusional then! 

When I became a mom I looked back on my childhood before I decided how I wanted to raise my children.  Of course I wanted to raise my girls completely opposite of how I was raised, because I thought my childhood sucked.  Overall I think I had a crappier than normal childhood.  My parents were pretty dysfunctional, selfish, and didn't really seem to like having kids.  As I have gotten older, had kids of my own, spoken with other adults about their childhood, I have come to realize my parents did close to the best they could for the time.  (Notice I said "close", because I do think if they had actually put a little thought into the job, they could have done better).  Both of my parents' came from childhoods way worse than mine, so if anything, they did do better in that mine was better than theirs.  Plus, 40+ years ago, parents didn't really analyze their parenting like we do now.  They didn't put thought into it, they just did it.   

So with that as my background, I put a lot of thought into my parenting.  Everything I have done in regards to raising my girls was thought out beforehand.  I chose to attachment parent and co-sleep, I chose Montessori, I chose homeschooling and then unschooling.  And I chose religion.  Each one of those things was mulled over very carefully before proceeding.  I read a lot of books, I sought out what I thought was sage advice, and I tried to make decisions that I thought would be the best in the long term.  

And yet, now I have teens who look back on their childhoods and wonder "why"?  Why did I make them go to "that church", why didn't I let them go to school, why this, why that?  They aren't happy with a lot of the decisions I made, and looking back, I am not happy with a lot of the decisions I made.  

But what I have come to realize is that being a parent doesn't make us a god.  I was learning right along with my girls.  I had to learn to be a mom, I had to learn who these little beings were.  I could only do for them what I thought was best based on my own experiences.  But I soon learned they weren't little Me's, and what was best for me wasn't necessarily best for them.  And unfortunately a lot of those lessons were learned by trial and error.  I did a lot of things that I thought was good for them, that now in hindsight I realize wasn't. 

I can't change the past.  So I don't mourn it.  Because I know I did the best I knew how.  And I'm not done.  My girls are teens, we're still growing together.  I may be an adult, but I am still growing and learning too.  And I think they forgive me, because I think they know my intentions were pure.  But it still doesn't change the fact that in spite of my intentions, I think my girls still wish things had been different.  And even if they had been different, and I had chosen a completely different path in raising them, maybe they wouldn't have liked that one either.  I can only hope, that in the future, when they have children of their own, they'll realize being a parent isn't such an easy job and maybe they'll realize I did the best I knew how to do.  

"You know, the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children?  Those who've never had any." 

~ Bill Cosby~

Parenting 101

  A good friend of mine wrote a speech for a class she took while getting her psychology degree (she just graduated with her Bachelor's degree, congrats Jody).  I had lunch with her today to discuss the "joys" of raising teenagers.  She thought I might find her speech enlightening, and has given me permission to share it here, so that I may enlighten others.  (May you all feel enlightened ; )

Parenting 101 

This speech is intended for parents and future parents of all ages.  Those of you who have decided not to have children, you are very wise and should be revered by all.  I suggest complete abstinence from sex for the rest of your lives (don't take any chances.)  

1.  For those of you who are not yet parents - DON'T DO IT!

2.  For parent's of young children - enjoy it while you can.  You have no idea what you're in for (you fools!)

3.  For parents of teenagers - God help you.  You have my sympathies.

4.  For parents of adults - HOW THE HELL DID YOU SURVIVE?

I feel it is my duty to bring to light some common misconceptions about proper parenting (pun intended). 

(1.)  The first 5 years of a child's life are the most critical years in personality development.  If you are an attentive and conscientious parents during this period of time, you will produce well adjusted, happy teenagers.  

TRUTH - It doesn't really matter what you do because all teenagers will have their heads up their asses and will drive you to drink, so you might as well start drinking now and enjoy the ride.  

(2.)  Teach your children responsibility by requiring them to go to school, do their homework and do simple chores around the house.  This will teach them a good work ethic and to be proud of a job well done.  

TRUTH - You are just wasting your time bitching and nagging at them.  They will turn on you like dogs when they are teenagers, and there is nothing on earth you can do to make them do their homework, including pleading, bribery, water torture and beating the crap out of them.  Go have a drink instead.  

(3.)  Give your children something to believe in.  Teach them your faith and bring them to church or temple or whatever you believe in, regularly.  Being part of a religious community gives children a sense of belonging and teaches them good morals and values.  

TRUTH - They won't hear a single word of any sermons at church in all the years you bring them there.   When they are 6 they will think Jesus is Santa Claus.  When they are 10 they will tell the Sunday School teacher, "My mom yells at my dad all the time."  When they are 14 they will get caught smoking in the church parking lot, and when they are 17 they will tell you that God is a figment of your imagination anyway, and you will believe them.  Screw it.  Go out drinking on Saturday nights and stay in bed nursing your hangover on Sunday mornings instead of dragging those unwilling brats to church every frigging week. 

(4.)  Set a good example for your children.  Children learn by observing those around them.  If you want your children to grow up and be responsible citizens, then you must act responsibly.  

TRUTH - Your teenagers don't want to be like you!  They want to be ANYTHING but you!  They will walk through fire to get AWAY from you.   If you want them to be respectful, responsible human beings, then you should do the OPPOSITE!  Go ahead.....be a big loser!  You will be doing your children a favor in the long run.  Here are some suggestions:  

1.  Get arrested

2.  Lose your job

3.  Be promiscuous

4.  Do drugs

5.  Lie.  Chest.  Steal.

6.  And most importantly - drink heavily.

Thank you for listening.  I feel I have performed a great service to society by dispelling these myths and I urge you to do the same, saving thousands of unsuspecting, would-be parents from lives of disillusionment.  

For those with young children:  I am aware of your superior attitude because I used to have it.  I looked with disdain at my neighbor's children running around outside in their underwear and cowboy boots, while their mother sipped a margarita on her back deck.  I was SURE that my children would NEVER act like that.  I WAS WRONG!  Now I'm downing tequila straight from the bottle while my children are running around on college campuses doing God Knows What, wearing God Knows What, only calling home when they need money.  I should have started drinking long ago.   

~Jody Powers

Stop Being Mean to Your Kids!!!!!!!

“Feelings are real and legitimate; children behave and misbehave for a reason, even if adults cannot figure it out.”

So I was in Kohl's last week.  Casually browsing through the men's Hawaiian shirts, trying to find the perfect shirt for Father's Day.  It was early, 10:30 am, and the store was not yet crowded, so I was alone in the menswear dept.  And then I heard it, a small child, crying/whining "But I'm tired!"  And then I heard the mom say in her meanest voice ever "THERE ARE NO CARTS WITH SEATS! YOU HAVE TO WALK!!!!!!!". 

The voices got louder, I knew they were heading my way, but still could not see this little family amongst all the racks of clothing.  The girl kept crying "Mama, I'm tired!"  The mom kept bitching "You are 3 years old!  You have legs and can WALK!"  

Finally they walked past where I was perusing my shirts.  All single file.  First the mom, mid 30's probably, looking very stern.  Then the 3 year old, just a tiny thing, all hunched over, dragging her feet, rubbing her eyes.  Crying.  Then a third person, another girl, probably 7 or 8, walking along not saying a peep, just looking sad. 

I wanted to pick up the 3 year old and give her a little squeeze and tell her "I know you are tired, I'm sorry your mom dragged you to this store".  But I just kept looking at my shirts, and cringing every time this mom yelled at her 3 year old for being tired.  I wanted to tell this mom that her time with her 3 year old will be over in a flash, and that her daughter was the most precious thing right now, not shopping, and that she should pick her up and give her a squeeze, and then maybe she'd more happily walk along.  Or if she was really tired (I know my toddlers often woke up at 5-6am!), how hard would it be to carry her along, this was a tiny 3 year old, not a big hulking one. 

But I said nothing.  I don't think if I had it would have been well received.  The older girl seemed sad, either the mom had been bitching at her kids all morning, or she just wasn't an overall nice mom.  Seems the older daughter had already learned the drill, keep your emotions hidden, don't voice your concerns.  Just follow along and tow the line.  Sad really.

I see this too often.  Parent's dragging their kids here and there, the kids are tired, the parent's are yelling at them.  Why does a child deserve to be yelled at for being tired and sharing their feelings?  This is why kids shut down and learn not to feel.  They have been raised by people who don't honor them, or their feelings or care about what they think.  This is why people eat too much and smoke and drink and do drugs and shop, etc.  They were taught to shut off their emotions as kids, to stay out of trouble or to avoid being yelled at.  If you have lost touch with your emotions, you don't know who you are or what you are feeling.  If you don't know those things, you look for outside things to make you feel better. 

I'm no shrink, but I have been there.  I was often told as a child what to feel.  If I cried I was told not to cry.  If I was slapped and cried I was told it didn't hurt.  If something happened I was told it wasn't as bad as I was making it out to be. 

No one knows what someone else is feeling and no one else has the right to tell someone else how to feel.  EVER!  

Even a 3 year old knows what they feel.  Until someone bigger and stronger tells them, over and over, that they aren't feeling what they think they are.  Then they begin to question themselves, until they no longer feel. 

Wake up parents!  

"Feelings are everywhere - be gentle."

Kindergarten

We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today.
~Stacia Tauscher~

I belong to several yahoo chat groups on unschooling. We have recently been discussing this article: Kindergarten Cram. If you don't feel like going to the link, the gist of it is Kindergartner's are now suffering through homework and testing. Egads!

Kindergarten is from the German meaning children's garden. What does one think of when they think of a child's garden? I know I think of trees and flowers and children running and playing, maybe stopping to pick and smell of the flowers, maybe trying to climb some of the trees. Maybe chasing each other and playing tag, or even having a picnic. I certainly don't think of little bodies stuffed into desks listening to some teacher drone on and on about their next testing session.

When I was old enough for Kindergarten both of my parents worked. I went to a normal public school Kindergarten (PS 98 in NYC) for about 3 weeks before my mother realized she could not work with the 1/2 day schedule. I don't remember too much about it other than the 2 1/2 hours going by very quickly. I don't remember going outside much, but it was right in the heart of Manhattan, so I can see why.

After realizing Kindergarten wouldn't work for me, I was put into a daycare center. I loved it there. I was in the class with the other "big" kids. Those of us who should have been in Kindergarten but weren't. I remember being one of the first kids dropped off in the morning and one of the last picked up at the end of the day. But I didn't mind it too much, I had a lot of fun there.

Those of us who were early arrivals got to eat breakfast at the center. I remember they used to let me eat bowls of peanut butter for breakfast. No one thought it was weird, no one shamed me, they just let me eat my bowl of peanut butter. I also remember they had a big table that they filled with sand in the cold months and water in the warmer months. Sand and water fun INSIDE! How cool was that! We used to make our afternoon snack together in the mornings, sometimes pudding, sometimes cookies. It was a fun thing to look forward to each morning knowing we would get to eat our creations that afternoon. We had our own cubbies and our own pillow and blanket for our nap time each afternoon. No one forced us to nap, if we weren't sleepy we just needed to have quiet time. Thinking back on all of this, I can't help but think that maybe some of my unschooling tendencies were quietly planted in my little head while at this daycare center. I think for 1973 they were definitely ahead of their time in their approach to children. But it was NY.

Finally, my most favorite memory of this center was the roof. Being NY, land is a premium and while there are plenty of parks, not too many were at schools, especially small private daycare centers. So they put a big chain link fence around the roof and built a huge playground up there. We had slides and swings and monkey bars and see saws and a sand box and it was all on the roof. And we got to go up there twice each day. Once in the morning and once after lunch. Even in the snow. I don't remember having to sit and "learn" something everyday while there, but I am sure learning took place. It was just in such a fun and free environment it happened naturally. Imagine that, learning being fun!

My own girls went to Montessori for Kindergarten. Montessori is also a very free environment. My girls loved it there. They too got to bake and create and go outside and just be kids in that environment. Their teachers were loving and genuinely cared about each child. That is what Kindergarten should be. I actually would prefer that Kindergarten didn't exist. Had I known about homeschooling/unschooling when my girls were little, they might not have gone to Montessori, but I can at least rest in knowing that by going I did them no harm. I am very glad I didn't subject them to public school Kindergarten, at least not what passes for Kindergarten today. Parents need to take back the schools. They need to do what is in the best interest of their children. Children need to play, they need to observe the world around them, they need to get outside and be in touch with nature. They don't need to be stuffed into desks in airless classrooms listening to some person who just wants to make it through her day drone on and on about meaningless drivel. Let our little ones be free. I can dream can't I?

You are worried about seeing him spend his early years in doing nothing. What! Is it nothing to be happy? Nothing to skip, play, and run around all day long? Never in his life will he be so busy again.
~Jean-Jacques Rousseau~

Linkin Park, Numb

My children listen to Linkin Park. Through them I have become a fan of the band. The song below (and currently playing if you have volume on, unless you are reading this more than a few days after I posted, in which case it will be on my top playlist below, somewhere) really stuck with me the first time I heard it. It made me think of children, and how we have so many expectations for them, expectations that are supposed to fit into our mold of how they should be, instead of letting them become who THEY are meant to be. Our children were not put here to be little mini-me's.

I felt a lot of disappointment from my father growing up. I just never did things right or well enough for him. I was smart, but didn't apply myself and get good grades. I lived with my now husband and got pregnant before marriage. All these little things that I had made a choice to do were disappointments to him. I think sometimes we also get into relationships as adults and feel we disappoint those we love. We feel like we have to constantly live up to someone else's expectations or maybe they won't love us anymore. In the meantime we lose ourselves.

I hope I don't put these kinds of expectations on my children. That I expect them to grow up and be like me or do what I say is right. I hope they have been given the freedom to find who they are and believe what they want to believe. I hope they never feel I have been disappointed in them or that they have disappointed me. I have felt numb, I hope they never do.

Numb

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Feeling so faithless lost under the surface

Don't know what you're expecting of me

Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

Every step I take is another mistake to you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

I've become so tired so much more aware

I've becoming this all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me

Holding too tightly afraid to lose control

Cause everything that you thought I would be

Has fallen apart right in front of you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

I've become so tired so much more aware

I've becoming this all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know

I may end up failing too

But I know

You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

I've become so tired so much more aware

I've becoming this all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

Is everything what you want me to be

I've become so numb I can't feel you there

Is everything what you want me to be

Daughters

Ah, to be the mother of daughters.

My youngest took her first official step toward womanhood Thursday. And she is not happy about it. Suffice it to say, life has not been real pleasant in our house the last few days, LOL.

By some weird coincidence, actually my two daughters and I all ended up in the same predicament as of this past Thursday. Estrogen is flowing rapidly around here. I don't think I would want to be the only woman in a house containing 3 men full of Testosterone, so I can only imagine how my hubby feels living the reverse.

I was sitting around with my daughters late Thursday night and we were talking hormones and all those fun things women go through. I was explaining to my youngest how Estrogen is the female hormone. So my oldest chimes in with an oldie but a goodie: "If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? Testicles!" LOL

Youngest daughter didn't get the joke, so I had to explain to her what testicles were. So of course then we started talking about boy anatomy. At this point dear husband comes up from the basement to go to bed (my daughters and I have the best conversations late at night before bed). Before he comes through the room, he says "Stop talking, I don't want to hear you, just let me go through and go to bed!". This made the girls laugh. Dad wanted nothing to with our conversation. So I yelled at him as he went past, "But we are talking about boy parts, your parts, you should join us!" I don't think so.

So, my babies are no longer babies. No matter how much we may resist, life moves forward. Youngest dear daughter has been resisting growing up since her body started changing. She is completely overwhelmed at the latest, biggest change. I only hope that time will bring her peace and acceptance with what her body can do. Women's bodies really are amazing. I would go through all the pain and aggravation of being a women 100 times over again, knowing it enabled me to give birth to the two beautiful daughters I have. 26 years of periods helped to bring two wonderful lives into the world. And hopefully someday it will enable my daughters to bring some wonderful lives into the world.

Of course, since my birthing days are over, I wouldn't really mind completely passing the torch to the younger generation and moving past this stage in my life. 26 years is long enough for me, thank you : )

Without accepting the fact that everything changes, we cannot find perfect composure. But unfortunately, although it is true, it is difficult for us to accept it. Because we cannot accept the truth of transience, we suffer.

~Shunryu Suzuki~

The Daily Groove

I subscribe to the Daily Groove. Some of them just seem to "click" with me, and today's especially did, so I thought I should share it. I highly recommend subscribing to remind yourself how to be the best you can be for your children.


THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle
www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove::


Growing Down ::

Phrases like "child's play" and "cry like a baby" and"grow up!" expose an unspoken belief of our culture: children are expected to have fun and express their feelings openly, while grown-ups are expected to accept that life is mostly a grind with little room for authenticity. Perhaps, then, our desire for our children to be happy and authentic is partly a wish for ourselves.

Luckily,*modeling* is the most effective parenting tool, so let's model authenticity and lightness today by"growing down"...

*Eat spaghetti with your fingers

*Wear shoes that don't match

*Wear no shoes at all... in the rain

*Don't delay gratification

*Scream when you feel like it

*Pee in the grass!

No need to worry what other grown-ups might think. Just tell them you're sacrificing your adultness for the good of your children. : )

http://dailygroove.net/growing-down

Feel free to forward this message to your friends!
(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)

Copyright (c) 2008 by Scott Noelle

Nightline

A child, like all other human beings, has inalienable rights.
~Lucretia Mott~

In case anyone missed Nightline tonight, or if you don't watch Nightline, this is one that needs to be seen: How To Buy A Child In 10 Hours.

It's very sad to see how children are still treated around the world. My 13 year old watched this with me and was shocked. She asked how come the children had no say in what was happening to them. I didn't know how to answer that. Because people don't care? Because poverty can be so overwhelming people can't see the big picture? Because children have no value in these environments?

There is so much talk about Parental Rights in the US right now. I know many people are against the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child. But how can one be against allowing these children some rights? Do these parents have a right to sell or give away their children to be abused and used as slaves? I don't' think so.

I'd like to know what everyone else thinks.

I am so glad I allow my children to have rights and to have a say about what happens in their lives.

Children do not constitute anyone's property: they are neither the property of their parents nor even of society. They belong only to their own future freedom.
~Mikhail Bakunin~

Death

We understand death for the first time when he puts his hand upon one whom we love.

~Madame de Stael~

Today is the 4th anniversary of my mothers death. May 31 was the 10th anniversary of my fathers death. This time of year is a bit depressing for me. My dad died when he was only 56. Pancreatic cancer. We found out 6 months before he died. My mother would die 6 years later. She lived pretty recklessly after my father died. They had known each other since they were 14. I think in the end she wanted to die. Her life did not go well after he left, she was never really happy again. While they had their problems it was obvious to everyone they loved each other.

There's quite a long sordid story involved around my mothers death. Suffice it to say, it was unexpected, sprung upon us quickly. We knew she was sick, she had been in the hospital for some time. but we never thought she was near death. At least not until 4 days before she died. She was in Florida, my sister and I are in Illinois and my brother is in Arizona. In retrospect we should have gone down to see her well before she became so ill. We thought she was being taken care of. No point in looking back now. She ended up bleeding internally, and it could not be stopped. When they found her she was already in kidney failure. By the time we got to her late on a Saturday night (midnight actually, after flying most of the afternoon, or really sitting at O'Hare airport most of the afternoon) she was near death. All of her organs were failing. She was on life support. They were pumping bags of blood into her. It wasn't pretty. After talking to the doctor, we ended up taking her off life support at 7 am that Sunday morning.

It's a funny thing when your parents die. I wasn't particularly close to my dad. I loved him, but he was an emotionally closed man, and it was hard to get deep with him. I had a few conversations with him as I got older, and I suspect that had he lived, our relationship probably would've deepened. I was still greatly upset at his passing. I was only 30 years old. My kids were only one and three. They would never get to hear his laugh, (he had a great laugh). They would never get to hear his jokes, or listen to his political views. He was a smart man and had a lot of good thoughts on a lot of things. It's a loss I feel for my children but they'll never know. Recently we watched an old home video, and my youngest didn't even realize it was my dad (her grandfather) in one of the videos. That is sad to me.

When my mom died I not only mourned her, I mourned my dad all over again. Something happens to you when you realize both of your parents are gone. Maybe not for everyone, but I re-lived my whole life. I flashed back to my childhood, to stories my parents told, I thought about my grandparents and living in New York and moving to Illinois. Everything kind of came back in waves. I couldn't stop thinking of my life with my parents and how now they were gone. I was 36 and I was an orphan. I know it seems weird to say, I was an adult with my own family, but I still felt like an orphan. No parents, no grandparents, everyone (besides my siblings) from my family of origin was gone. Both of my parents were only children. Maybe if they had siblings that were still alive I wouldn't have felt so alone. I don't know. It was a very lonely time. I cried a lot after that. The first holidays with no parents were very lonely times. Even though I hadn't spent all of those holidays' with them, especially since they lived so far away, I couldn't call them or talk to them. I used to call my mom every Thanksgiving to talk with her while I made her Thanksgiving stuffing. I knew how to make it, but I was always afraid I was going to forget something. So I would call her to make sure. It was weird to make it that first year and not be able to call her.

So here it is, 10 years since my dad died and 4 since my mom. Time goes by so very quickly. It just doesn't seem that long ago. The pain has lessened with time, but I do still really miss them. It makes me worry about my own children. I don't want them to go through this pain when their father and I go. Maybe if my parents had been older it wouldn't have hurt so much. Maybe if they hadn't died when they were still relatively young and healthy. It seems a blessing sometimes when older people go. They are unhealthy, or in pain, or forget who they are. People grieve then, but also feel relieved. I never felt relieved after my parents died. I felt cheated.

Despite my sadness, my parents live on. They are still alive in my memories. They are in the pictures I keep. They are in the stories I tell. I see my own mother in my face. I hear my father in the things I say. I see my father in my sister and I hear my mother in my brother. As their parents lived on through them, they now live on through us.

So here's to you mom and dad. I know you must be together, I can't believe God could be so cruel to keep you apart. I hope right now you are walking down a sandy beach picking up shells and watching the sunset with a martini in your hands. I look forward to the day when I will see you both again. I love you.

Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life.

~Albert Einstein~

More on Abuse

My last post started me thinking about abuse in general, not just from teachers. I was abused as a child. My parents themselves were abused and probably their parents before them.

My dad was the only child of an England born Irish mother and an Ireland born Irish father. His father was the abusive one. His mother was strict, I remember her, but his dad was terrible. He was very strict Catholic. Actually fought with the IRA in Ireland, and was forced to leave Ireland for his safety in the late 1920's. His mom and dad met on the boat coming to America. My dad was born left-handed. Well, to my grandfather, that meant he was of the devil, so he was beaten until he learned to write with his right hand. My dad was a leftie in other respects, but he learned how to write with his right hand. That's an example of how my dad grew up. I know his mother tried to shield him from some of the abuse, but she was as afraid of my grandfather as was my father. My father was a very reserved man. Didn't show a lot of emotion and kept a lot of his feelings inside.

My mom's parents were born in the States. Her mother was of Irish descent and her father was of Scot/Irish descent. Her father was an alcoholic. He emotionally and sexually abused her. Tales from her childhood are too gruesome to describe here. One story my grandmother told me was when my mom's dad came home from the bar and took an axe to my mom's piano. Fun guy huh? Although my grandmother was no saint, she didn't protect her daughter. I reference our ethnicity only because I have heard from many people raised in an Irish Catholic atmosphere. It seems the Irish Catholics like to be physically abusive. Must be in our culture.

So, those are my parents. Two only children raised in very unfortunate circumstances. So they didn't have much to pull from when they had kids of their own.

I have quite a few memories of emotional and physical abuse from my childhood. I remember being hit for throwing up in my bed. I remember having my pants pulled down in front of a neighbor, when I was about 6 or 7 years old, and beaten on my bottom. I remember getting the belt (hit with my dad's belt 5 times across my bare butt, I was 11) for hiding an airplane size bottle of vodka in my dresser drawer. It was there because I wanted a friend of mine to think I was cool. (My parents had a bar in our house, so it wasn't hard for me to find alcohol.) The older we got, the more the abuse became verbal/emotional. (Although I do remember one time my dad chasing my brother around the house trying to catch him. I know my brother was a teen at the time. Not sure what he did, but my dad was mad.) My parents liked to say hurtful things to us. My dad called my sister and me a "bitch" all the time. He said we were bitches. He actually used the "c" word on me once. Nice. I remember my sister didn't get invited to her senior prom, and my dads' exact words to her were "Even the dogs (meaning ugly girls) get asked to prom, you must be a real bitch to not get an invite". I could go on and on, the stories never end. But that's not really the point. It's what we grew up in and what we knew.

Which finally brings me to the big question: Why do people/parents perpetuate this abuse generation after generation? My mom and dad would both probably tell you (if they were alive to do so) that we had it much better than they did. And they would probably be right. Even though my parents weren't AS abusive as their parents, they were still abusive. But they didn't see it. What made me see it?

When my first daughter was born the only book I had read was "What to Expect When You Are Expecting". I didn't read about how to raise a child. I had babysat before, I thought I knew what to do. What I realized after she was born was that I instinctively did know what to do. If I trusted myself and went with my gut, I really would do right by her. I took her to bed long before I read about the Family Bed. I nursed on demand even though the doctors told me I could put her on a schedule. I just did what felt right. And sure there were times when she cried and cried, and nothing I could do would console her. But I never, ever had the urge to strike her.

When I got pregnant with my second, I began to read. I found Dr. William Sears. I found the book "The Family Bed". I understood what attachment parenting was and realized I had been practicing it. I hung out with La Leche League people. I had a supportive environment.

So I made the decision, conscious or unconscious, to not raise my children the way I was raised. I have never struck my children. I admit I was a bit more of a screamer than I would have liked to be, but that has even tempered with time. I try to treat my children respectfully. They are not my possessions, I am not their dictator. I am their loving parent. A guide, a protector, a nurturer, a leader.

I hope I have broken the cycle. My daughters know it is wrong to hurt a child. They know what attachment parenting is and that was how I tried to raise them. We are homeschoolers, so they know I like to be with them. And I do like to be with them. I think that's part of the problem in this society. Children are seen to be a burden. Children get in the way, they are messy, they require attention and money and time. People have children and really are clueless about the life changes that will result. And some become resentful, and blame the child, when in reality it is the parent that deserves the blame. People continue to blame their childhoods for the mistakes they make as adults. "I never learned any better". Well, educate yourself. "I just don't have the patience." Well take a yoga class and figure out how to get some. "It's not my fault". Maybe not, but you are an adult now, and it's time to move on. I do get really tired of listening to adults continually blame other people for their circumstances. One has to finally come to the point in their lives when they realize all the decisions are up to them. You can put your past behind you and move on. And for the sake of the next generation, they really need to.

Once again I don't know what the solution is. I have issues with how quickly Child Protective Services in this country swoop in to remove children. I think the intention is good, but the execution has failed. I do feel mothers like myself need to get the word out. We need to talk about how abuse is not ok, that there are better ways to raise children. We have the Internet now. There are websites, and books and radio programs that can give parenting advice and help people to treat their children better. Maybe every mom that leaves the hospital should get a booklet of resources. It would list names of books, links to websites, maybe even email addresses and phone numbers of people they could contact. Maybe new mothers could have a mentor. A mother to show them the kinder, gentler way to parent. Do you think people would listen? Do you think they would welcome such help or advice? I suppose I can dream, can't I?

"In a nutshell, people whose lives are hard, boring, painful, meaningless—people who suffer—tend to resent those who seem to suffer less than they do, and will make them suffer if they can. People who feel themselves in chains, with no hope of ever getting them off, want to put chains on everyone else."

~John Holt~

Teach Your Own, Introduction

Teacher Abuse

If we don't stand up for children, then we don't stand for much.

~Marian Wright Edelman~

Some disturbing things are coming to light in the schools recently. In most recent news, a Kindergartner brought a tape recorder to school, placed in his pants pocket by his parents, so they could hear what was really going on in their child's classroom. It certainly enlightened them to the verbal abuse their child was suffering.

Locally, there has been a case going on involving a substitute teacher who decided to duct tape the arms, legs and mouths of two Special Ed. boys who were acting up. And then he duct taped them to a chair.

Then there's the one with the teacher who decided to have her class vote another student out of the class. The students even got to take turns telling him what they didn't like about him. This teacher takes the cake, because she got her students in on the abuse.

I've read other cases in the past. Teachers verbally abusing students. I'm sure many of us have our own stories to tell about abusive teachers from our youth. If you link to the articles, what I find most disturbing of all are the comments from people who side with the teachers. Some of the comments are downright sickening. Some people think the children deserved to be treated that way. When does a 5 year old ever deserve to be talked to that way? Even if the boy has some behavior problems, how in the world does emotionally abusing him help to solve those problems? When does a child deserve to be voted out of his class? When does a child deserve to be duct taped to his seat?

Parents entrust their children to people they don't really know for 8 hours a day 5 days a week. That's a lot of time and a lot of influence. How many parents don't have any idea what is going on in their child's classroom? How many parents don't believe their children when they come home and say their teacher is mean? My children don't attend school. I don't think anyone's children should attend school, personally. No one can care for or love my child the way I do. Ever heard the phrase "children learn what they live?". Well, they live school. They learn school. What sticks in their heads is what is told or taught to them day after day sitting captive in a classroom. So if a teacher is constantly telling them they are trouble, they are pathetic, they are not worth his or her time, what is that child going to believe? And when immature teachers actually enlist the other students to join in, then it really must be true because everyone is saying it. Ouch. And we wonder why so many kids commit suicide.

Words hurt. Really hurt. Children's developing psyches are fragile things. Kindergarten is a time when some children get their first view of the world outside their home. When they are hurt by that world, what do they take away from that? Not to trust, not to care, not to try or believe in themselves. That they are worthless.

I am sickened by how our society treats it's children, as is evident by the comments section of these articles. There are of course a few voices who stood up for the children, but unfortunately there were far too many for the other side. IT IS NEVER RIGHT TO HURT A CHILD! NEVER, NEVER, NEVER! Children are not little adults. They view their world in an entirely different way than we do. They process information differently and they have fewer realms of experience to pull from. They need to be shown how to be compassionate, kind, loving. They need to have someone spend time with them and show them the way. If they struggle, they need help with their struggles, not shame and ridicule. We would never allow an adult to treat another adult that way in the same setting. The adult wouldn't put up with it. Adults can stand up for themselves, children can't.

I'm not sure how to solve this problem. Obviously people aren't pulling their children out of the schools (although I wish they would). I have a feeling that these adults, who treat children like this, probably were treated poorly themselves as a child. They figure that they survived it, so what's the big deal? The big deal is that they didn't survive it, look how they grew up. Look how they have learned to treat their fellow man. If a teacher is burned out, then they should leave the profession. If they cannot control their mouths or emotions, then they should not be allowed in the classroom with children ever again. Of course the institution itself doesn't help the situation. But that's a whole other can of worms for another time.

We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today.

~Stacia Tauscher~