Changes and Choices

The man who never alters his opinion is like standing water, and breeds reptiles of the mind.  

~William Blake~
 

 A strange thing has been happening to me lately.  I am constantly re-thinking all the choices I have made in my life thus far.  I think I will blog about these as the whim hits me. 

Todays' topic:  Choices I have made in regards to my children education. 

Oh how idealistic we can be when we are young, when we are new parents, when everything in our lives is fresh and new.  

When a person has a baby, at least this happened for me, education was the furthest thing from my mind.  But around the time my eldest turned 2 and I was heavy with my 2nd daughter, it occurred to me that one day this child is going to have to go to school.  Panic ensued, as I never wanted to be without my daughters.  

I did end up enrolling my 2 1/2 year old in a Montessori pre-school that I eventually ended up working for, (to pay for the tuition and because I did not like being away from my daughters).  My youngest daughter would end up going there as well.  

Now had I been independently wealthy, the story would end here.  I loved Montessori.  My eldest (Carley) moved on to a Montessori grade school while my youngest (Catherine) finished up at the pre-school where I worked (and bartered for tuition).  Once Catherine was out of the pre-school and my job was over, I just could not afford the tuition at the Montessori grade school.  A change had to be made.  Public School?  Egads no.  Catholic school?  I was no longer a practicing Catholic so that seemed hypocritical. Structured school in general was not a choice I wanted to make at all.  Homeschooling, that's what it had to be.  

At that time I knew very little about homeschooling.  So I went to the library and checked out every book on homeschooling I could find.  I read about school at home, unit studies, relaxed homeschooling, unschooling, etc., etc.  I talked with other homeschool moms and eventually came up with a philosophy I thought would fit our family.  

First philosophy:  School at home.  I bought a full curriculum.  We sat at the dining room table and did X number of pages of work per day.  Started in September, just like school.  By Christmas I wanted to kill myself.  This style wasn't for us.  

Then we went to a relaxed school at home.  Some days we worked in books, some days we went to the park and the library.  Some days we watched videos.  But I still led the day and tried to keep some structure.  I also added unit studies into this, KONOS, which my girls enjoyed but it required a lot of work and prep on my part. 

As time went on the girls wanted less and less to do with structure, and we drifted into unschooling.  I did continue to buy curriculum for a time, but only  curriculum that the girls wanted. If one wanted a science curriculum, I bought it, if one wanted English, I bought it.  But it was up to them to decide to work on it.  I wasn't going to push them anymore.  During this time we also did Sonlight.  My girls really enjoyed Sonlight, because frankly, there wasn't much for them to do.  They read some books and I read some books to them.  And then we'd discuss some vocabulary words.  Both girls really enjoy books and reading, so this wasn't a chore for them. 

As my girls got closer to those tween years, between 10 and 12, they wanted even less to do with anything structured and frankly so did I.  Hormones were swinging wildly, we were involved in a co-op, and everything I had read about unschooling made me think the girls would be just fine if I left them to their own devices.  So I did.  Of course I was always here, willing to take them here or there, willing to help them learn something or figure out a way to learn something, they knew they could count on me for anything, but the learning was left up to them.  

When my eldest was around 12 she started asking about going to school.  I had already pre-decided she was never going to Junior high, 1) because I hated junior high, 2) because I heard horrible things about what goes on in junior high (bullying and sex) and 3) I still wanted her home.   Looking back, only one of those is really a valid reason.  

So I told Carley we would re-visit the school issue with high school.  I was hoping she would decide she loved home and me so much she'd never want to go.  I was wrong.  She starts her junior year of high school next month.  

I thought school was going to be a nightmare.  I thought Carley would hate it, that she'd decide to quit and come home (an option she knew she had whenever she wanted it).  She didn't.  She loves it.  Ok, maybe love is a strong word, but she really, really likes it.  She likes to be taught.  By someone other than me.  She likes to learn, the kinds of things they teach in books and schools.  She is a perfect student. During her previous two years in high school she has made the honor roll each semester. Not bad for an unschooled homeschooler. 

Now Catherine, my youngest, the one who I thought really thrived in unschooling, has also decided she wants to try high school.  She wants to see what it's like, wants to see if she's missing something.  When everyone around you is doing something, it makes you want to maybe try it too.  Especially if you are a teen. (Ok, we aren't talking about sex, drugs and alcohol here!) 

  There are also classes at the high school that Catherine thinks sound interesting.  Fashion and World History being two of them.  And while we could have learned Fashion and World History at home, somehow it just seems more interesting doing it with other people who share the same interest as you.  Catherine has the same option as Carley, she is free to leave school at any time.  She has already decided that while she may decide not to go full time, she pretty much knows she wants to stay in at least part time.

So my (eventually) unschooled daughters, whom I taught had the world at their fingertips and the freedom to do as they please and learn what they please, have in the end, decided the structure of public school is what they want.  Hahahahahaha.  Jokes on me.

But after having had some time to process it, I am now surprisingly Ok with it.  I made choices for them when they were small based on my own life experiences and research.  That's all a parent can do.  We do what we think is best.  No one knows what is best, it's all speculation.  We are not our children, we are not in their heads, they are not our mini me's.  We have to be comfortable as a parent, eventually letting our children be who they are meant to be.  And if that is someone wholly different than who we are, we need to love them anyway.  That's what it means to be a parent. 

I know homeschoolers who would be upset if their children didn't grow up and homeschool their grandchildren.  They take it as some personal affront if their children want to do something different. I also know homeschoolers who think I must have done something wrong to make my children want to choose school. I think I must have actually done something right.  My children are making the choice they think is right for them.  I am giving them the right to make that choice.   How many other teens ever get to choose the direction of their lives?  Most kids live with their lives planned out for them.  They WILL do this, they WILL go there, etc, etc., ad nauseum until they move out.  Yes, I made some of those decisions for my children when they were young, but now as teenagers they have the freedom to choose for themselves.  And it is a different choice than I would have chosen for them at this stage in their lives, but that is part of letting go. 

So now, 16 years after the birth of my first born, I am kind of doing an about face.  The daughters that I swore would never go to school, will both be in school this fall.  My kids are exactly where I didn't want them to be.  Isn't that funny?  

If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies.  

~Author Unknown~

Stop Being Mean to Your Kids!!!!!!!

“Feelings are real and legitimate; children behave and misbehave for a reason, even if adults cannot figure it out.”

So I was in Kohl's last week.  Casually browsing through the men's Hawaiian shirts, trying to find the perfect shirt for Father's Day.  It was early, 10:30 am, and the store was not yet crowded, so I was alone in the menswear dept.  And then I heard it, a small child, crying/whining "But I'm tired!"  And then I heard the mom say in her meanest voice ever "THERE ARE NO CARTS WITH SEATS! YOU HAVE TO WALK!!!!!!!". 

The voices got louder, I knew they were heading my way, but still could not see this little family amongst all the racks of clothing.  The girl kept crying "Mama, I'm tired!"  The mom kept bitching "You are 3 years old!  You have legs and can WALK!"  

Finally they walked past where I was perusing my shirts.  All single file.  First the mom, mid 30's probably, looking very stern.  Then the 3 year old, just a tiny thing, all hunched over, dragging her feet, rubbing her eyes.  Crying.  Then a third person, another girl, probably 7 or 8, walking along not saying a peep, just looking sad. 

I wanted to pick up the 3 year old and give her a little squeeze and tell her "I know you are tired, I'm sorry your mom dragged you to this store".  But I just kept looking at my shirts, and cringing every time this mom yelled at her 3 year old for being tired.  I wanted to tell this mom that her time with her 3 year old will be over in a flash, and that her daughter was the most precious thing right now, not shopping, and that she should pick her up and give her a squeeze, and then maybe she'd more happily walk along.  Or if she was really tired (I know my toddlers often woke up at 5-6am!), how hard would it be to carry her along, this was a tiny 3 year old, not a big hulking one. 

But I said nothing.  I don't think if I had it would have been well received.  The older girl seemed sad, either the mom had been bitching at her kids all morning, or she just wasn't an overall nice mom.  Seems the older daughter had already learned the drill, keep your emotions hidden, don't voice your concerns.  Just follow along and tow the line.  Sad really.

I see this too often.  Parent's dragging their kids here and there, the kids are tired, the parent's are yelling at them.  Why does a child deserve to be yelled at for being tired and sharing their feelings?  This is why kids shut down and learn not to feel.  They have been raised by people who don't honor them, or their feelings or care about what they think.  This is why people eat too much and smoke and drink and do drugs and shop, etc.  They were taught to shut off their emotions as kids, to stay out of trouble or to avoid being yelled at.  If you have lost touch with your emotions, you don't know who you are or what you are feeling.  If you don't know those things, you look for outside things to make you feel better. 

I'm no shrink, but I have been there.  I was often told as a child what to feel.  If I cried I was told not to cry.  If I was slapped and cried I was told it didn't hurt.  If something happened I was told it wasn't as bad as I was making it out to be. 

No one knows what someone else is feeling and no one else has the right to tell someone else how to feel.  EVER!  

Even a 3 year old knows what they feel.  Until someone bigger and stronger tells them, over and over, that they aren't feeling what they think they are.  Then they begin to question themselves, until they no longer feel. 

Wake up parents!  

"Feelings are everywhere - be gentle."

Weddings

I see it's been a week since I posted to my poor neglected blog. My step-daughter got married on Saturday, so I was little busy last week making sure me and hubby and our two girls would be dressed appropriately. As for me, after visiting almost every woman's clothing store in northern IL, I ended up wearing the first dress I bought. Could have saved myself a lot of time and aggravation, but at least now I know there is nothing out there in retail land that looks good on me, hmph!

So back to the wedding. It was lovely. Raina (my step-daughter) had originally planned on having a large, elaborate wedding this December. It was becoming a much larger event than she had hoped for, so early last spring they (her and her fiance, Erik) decided to make it a "family and close friends event only" and moved it to Erik's family's home and moved it up to July. I think there were probably 40 people total in attendance, including the entire bridal party. It was still very elegant and formal and everyone seemed to have a nice time.

Here's a picture of the lovebirds:



I never had a wedding. I moved out of my parents home and eventually in with my boyfriend (now hubby). Then I got pregnant, LOL. When you do things backwards, a big wedding is a bit redundant. John and I got married at the courthouse in March, and we had a backyard pig roast reception in August. When I look back, a wedding would have been nice, but with age comes wisdom and it really is an awful lot of money to spend on a party. We spent an awful lot of money just going to Raina's wedding. She wanted us in pictures, plus her dad had to walk her down the aisle, so we spent a pretty penny making sure we'd all look up to snuff.

My sister had a big wedding. My parents were paying for it so they got to call the shots. It was nice, about 100 people, at a country club. I do remember it being a lot of fun. But a few years later I remember my sister saying she wished she had been given money for a down-payment on a house instead of a wedding. The novelty wears off. Yes, you have nice pictures, but she says she barely remembers the day, having to run around and talk to people and thanking them for coming, and making sure everything was done properly.

I'm not dissing weddings. If someone has the money, go for it. Weddings can be a lot of fun and certainly special to the couple involved. But I don't think people should go into hock to give their kids a wedding. And given the choice, I think kids nowadays should think realistically, what is more important, a big wedding or a place to live? Just a few weeks ago my youngest and I were out running errands and we saw this girl on the side of the road with a sign that said: "Car Wash, Help Us Pay For Our Wedding". If you need to hold a car wash to pay for your wedding, maybe you should just go to the courthouse. (They actually made it into our local paper.)

John and I have two other daughters, so obviously the wedding thing will come up for us again. We got lucky this time, Raina and her fiance wanted to pay for their own wedding. I think my own girls are a bit more relaxed about the wedding thing. Neither is really a girlie girl and they don't have romantic notions of a prince charming and a fairy tale wedding. I was talking with my youngest about her dad having to wear a fancy suit to Raina's wedding and how he wished he could wear a Hawaiian shirt. That's our kind of wedding. Catherine said we could wear Hawaiian shirts to her wedding : )

In my dreams, one day before we die, my hubby and I will renew our vows on a beach somewhere. He can wear one of those Miami style suits, a white cotton, breezy suit with a Hawaiian shirt underneath, and I can find some kind of flowy summer dress, and we can both be barefoot. Maybe our kids will be there, maybe some grand kids. We could go out and eat lobster afterwards. That's my kind of wedding.

One look
One smile
One touch
One embrace
One kiss
One love
Two people
Two minds
Two souls
Two destinies
One road
One journey
One ending
Together.

- Melissa Higgins -

Duggar's Again

I know, I am probably a horrible person because I criticize the Duggar's. The way I look at it, they decided to put their life on tv, which means I get to criticize them if I want to ; )

The latest show my youngest daughter (Catherine) and I watched (oldest daughter can't stomach the show) was about them going to some homeschooling conference in Texas. They loaded up their giant bus and headed out on a road trip. When they got to the conference they showed some of the activities the kids had planned for the week. While the boys were outside rappelling down towers and having fun, the girls were inside teaching a bunch of little kids. What is wrong with this picture?

I get when you have to wear a full length denim skirt everyday that it might be hard to rappel down a tower, but the boys were having FUN and the girls were struggling to wrangle a bunch of little kids. I was so bothered by this. I wanted to see those girls outside rappelling down the darn tower. Heck, I wanted to try rappelling down the tower.

After the show was over I still couldn't get the thought out of my mind that they never showed the girls letting loose and having fun. They always have jobs to do. Even at home these girls are helping their mom wrangle younger siblings or helping with the housework.

What must it be like to grow up and always think of yourself as 2nd? I suppose some might think it noble for someone to give of themselves so much that they always put their needs last. But these girls are never even taught that it is ok to put themselves first. Are they allowed to say no at home? What if they had told someone at the conference that they wanted to rappel down the tower (denim skirt and all)? Would they have let them? Probably not, climbing towers isn't a "girlie" thing to do, that's boy/man stuff. That's what bothers me so much. The fact that they have drawn these lines of what is acceptable for the girls and what is not. Keep those girls in their place, girls needs always come after boys. Bleh!

I grew up in the 70's the age of feminism. For all the bad things people say about feminists, they have helped women progress beyond the kitchen. It is not necessarily a women's job to stay home and cook clean all day. If she chooses that, fine, but to raise girls and teach them that is the only choice for their adult lives does them a grave disservice in my book. I want my girls to know that they can do whatever they want with their lives. They get to dream and choose, it is their life. My job is to help them see all the choices that are available to them, not all the doors that are shut. I wouldn't even tell them any doors are shut to them, because I think if they encounter a shut door, then they should try to open it. If we had been at that homeschooling conference, my girls would have been telling everyone it isn't fair to make the girls teach the kids while the boys rappel down the tower. We would've been the squeaky wheel, the ones changing the rules.

To tell a woman everything she may not do is to tell her what she can do.
~Spanish Proverb~

I realize some women say they are happy in the roles that have been assigned to them since birth. Grow up, help mom to learn how to be a mom, get married right from daddy's house, become a mom, do unto your daughters what has been done to you. I often wonder if any of these women wake up one day and wonder what happened to their life. Or are they kept so secluded, all outside life kept at bay, no tv or controversial books, that they really live in oblivion their entire lives. How sad that seems to me. To never find yourself, to never think your life had a greater purpose than to be a pawn in someone else's game.

I'm so grateful that I had parents who taught me to think for myself, to question society and it's rules and roles and determine for myself what was ok and not ok. The older I get the more I have a better sense of who I am and what I want to be. And I plan to pass that on to my daughters.

A feminist is a woman who does not allow anyone to think in her place.

~Michele Le Doeuff~

Choices

"In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.”
~Eleanor Roosevelt~

We all have choices to make in this world. When I first got pregnant and held my first daughter, schooling was the farthest thing from my mind. I read a bunch of books about ways to parent, took a breast-feeding class and a baby basics class. I thought back to all the kids I baby-sat and how they were parented and how I was raised. But when it came down to it, I followed my gut.

I've always felt like I had pretty good intuition. I tend to rely on my instincts more than my intellect. So we co-slept, I nursed long term. I let my children self-wean instead of relying on someone else's standard of when my child should start and/or stop doing something. I never wanted to go the traditional school route, so I found Montessori which I loved. Then I learned about homeschooling. I liked having my girls around, I was never one of those parents who couldn't wait to get their kids into school, or who dread summer vacation and can't wait until fall so they can be rid of their kids again. (Don't get me started on the parents who say those things in front of their kids! That's another post!)

When we started homeschooling and using curriculum, we were miserable and it felt 'wrong". So I went back to my gut and got rid of the curriculum and read all about unschooling and knew that was the way for us. Some people don't understand it, some people don't get it. Whatever.

Now my girls are getting older and it's time for them to start listening to themselves. My oldest wants to go to high school. I think she's old enough to make this decision for herself. Some people I know think I shouldn't let her go. That's not what my heart is telling me. My heart is telling me it's time to trust and let go. It's time to loosen the apron strings a bit and allow her this opportunity. She might hate it and want to come running home. That's ok, I'll welcome her with open arms. Or she might love it and pull a little further away. That's ok too, she needs to figure out who she is and who she wants to be. It's not my job as her mother to protect her from living her own life.

Life is a wonderful gift, and I think too many people (I hate to lay the blame on Christians again, but here goes) Christians in particular, are so afraid of the world. They are so afraid to let their children meet or hang out with non-Christians, to let their children date or listen to certain music, etc., etc. How on earth are these kids going to survive as adults? Unless one lives in a commune, one has to engage in the world. I suppose families like the Duggars who keep their daughters in the closet until their husbands come calling would say no, one doesn't always need to engage in the world, but I disagree. I think it is far worse to shelter our children and leave them completely unprepared than it is to allow them into the world and let them make their own choices.

Of course I don't agree a six year old can make the same choices as a teen. It's all relative. And I admit I was a bit sheltering of my girls when they were younger. But now that they are entering those teen years, I have to hope that the things they have learned thus far will fare them well in the future. I remember when I was 14 (like my eldest). My mom was such a control freak, so I lied and snuck around. It would have been so much better if she could've listened to me and understood me and had an open relationship with me. My 14 year old daughters opinions are valid. Her concerns about her life are real. I think we have a relationship built on mutual repsect and trust. And I know she is wise and able to make smart decisions. I hear some of her friends talk and it saddens me. They are all mostly homeschoolers and a lot of them wish they had the opportunity to go to school. Their parents will never let them. Even as teens, they are not allowed to make any decisions regarding their own lives. Then there's the other camp of kids who dread even running into "public" school kids, lest they somehow become contaminated with their "worldliness". These kids parents have them paranoid about anyone who is not doing things just like them. One girl was talking about going to Community College next year. She said she visited and was "frightened" by the people there. You know, those "real world" people we all have to encounter everyday! Geez! Her parents have done her no favors.

I'm not trying to sing my own praises and act like I am mom of the year. But I do think my kids like me, and they often tell me I am a way better mom than any of their friends. I never would have said that about my own mom. I just want my girls to grow up confident in themselves and their abilities. To be able to go into the world and view it with wonder not fear. Of course not everyone "out there" is like us, and how boring it would be if they all were.

"A human being is a part of the whole that we call the universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest -- a kind of optical illusion of his consciousness. This illusion is a prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for only the few people nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living beings and all of nature."
~Albert Einstein~

My Youngest Turns 12

Today is my youngest daughters birthday (Catherine). She was born at almost 11pm, so I am trying to time this post in relation to her actual birth. Her tale is not as dramatic as my other daughters. Catherine only took one day to make her appearance into the world.

Funnily enough, I can't seem to remember the particulars as much as I can with my older daughter. Maybe already having a toddler when I was due with my second made my mind overwhelmed. I do remember first going to my doctors office around noon. She determined I was in labor and at about 3 cm and sent me to the hospital. We arrived there around 2:00pm. My sister left work and met us there to take Carley to her house. It was sad watching Carley go, she had never left us before.

Just as I was getting settled into my hospital room, my water broke. That was a very weird experience. I had already had an epidural when my doctor broke my water with Carley, so being "un-numb" and having it spontaneously happen was weird. And slightly alarming. But we hoped it was a good sign that things would move quickly along. Unfortunately that was not going to be the case. Since I had an epidural with Carley, I wanted one with Catherine.

Oh and here is a little aside: I had an amnio at 20 weeks so I knew I was having a girl and we had already named her Catherine. No big surprises for me at the birth. I like to plan ahead.

Anyway, I wanted an epidural after my water broke. So they got the anesthesiologist. He came in and looked at my back. "Have you had back surgery" he asked? "Yes, I had a spinal fusion", I replied. "Oh, well you can't have an epidural then". Witness Donna melt-down. Hello? My OB knew I had surgery on my back. She never mentioned I couldn't receive an epidural. I panicked. I didn't think I could do this delivery thing "au natural". But I had no choice.

My doctor needed to put an IV in me because I tested positive for Group Strep B. The nurses wanted to put an internal monitor on the baby, but that would've confined me to the bed, and since I wasn't getting an epidural, I wanted to be up. Thankfully my doctor didn't care what the nurses wanted, she let me be up. Which was interesting seeing as my water had broken. I had to carry a pad between my legs as I walked around the room so as not to leak.

So things progressed and at about 5:00pm I was checked. Still at 3cm. Uh oh. She wanted to give me pitocin. Without an epidural. I wasn't pleased with that, but since I wasn't progressing, she felt maybe I would just need it a short time to kick start things. So the pitocin was added to my IV. Yikes. Glad I didn't have to feel that with my first or may not have had a second. It really was extreme pain.

Between 5:00 and 7:00 (times are approximate), I progressed to 6cm, so my doctor said she would stop the pitocin and see how things went. Well, all things stopped again. What the heck is wrong with my body?

I think it was around 7 or 8 she started the pitocin again. I remember things in a dazed sort of way. I really went into the pain zone for a while. All I could concentrate on was contractions and pain. It's kind of like everything around me was a blur. I had a great doctor though. She didn't abandon me and leave the nurses in charge. She was there most of the time. She even ordered a pizza with my husband 1/2 way through the day. (Luckily I was in pain and not paying attention, otherwise I might have been miffed that my hubby and cute doctor were going off to share a pizza together).

I remember her checking me again around 10:30pm. I was at 8cm. Seeing how the progress had been the rest of the day, she figured maybe another hour or two before I would be at 10cm. About 5 mins after that, I remember feeling an uncontrollable urge to push. It was like something else had taken over my body. I told the doctor " THE BABY IS COMING!" She said she can't be coming, I'm only at 8cm. I said "NO SHE IS COMING RIGHT NOW!"

So she quick checked me and sure enough I was at 10 and the baby was right there. Nothing was ready. Everyone had been taking their time. All of a sudden it was a big commotion. The bed comes apart so I can get my feet up. Lights come out of the ceiling, someone runs off to get the isolette for the baby. And then I start to push. I didn't feel this kind of pain with Carley. I think I only had to push about 5 times to get Catherine out. But there was no time to numb me "down there" or to give me an episiotomy. So I tore. And it felt like someone had held hot coals to me "down there". Ripping flesh is not a pleasant experience. But then baby was out. And she was perfect. So Catherine Ann Clasen was born March 6, 1997 at 10:55 pm.

This picture is of me and my doctor with a little bundled up Catherine just after she was born.



Then I had to deliver the afterbirth, and boy did those contractions suck. I really must have had a lot of residual epidural effect with Carley. These pains were all very new to me. And then of course my doctor had to stitch up the tear. And by now it was close to midnight and I was hungry and tired and just wanted everyone away from my body. But one good thing about skipping the epidural was that I was able to get up and walk right away. It felt good to be up. And someone, somewhere in the hospital, found me a turkey sandwich at 12:30am because I was starving.

Below is a picture of my step-daughter Raina holding Catherine and Carley is kissing her head. This was the day after Catherine was born, we were still in the hospital.


And here is Catherine at about 2 years old



And here she is now


Isn't she lovely.........

Food, Hunger, Eating, etc.

My girls and I had an interesting conversation the other night. We got on the subject of food and eating because my youngest (Catherine) was on her 6th chocolate chip cookie, and my oldest (Carley) accused her of having a sugar addiction. (She doesn't have a sugar addiction, but she does have a sweet tooth).

So anyway we started talking about our eating habits. I first need to start with my DH's eating habits. Ever since I have known him, he hasn't been much of an eater. He does eat more now than 10 years ago, but I still consider him to be a light eater. Sometimes it will be four in the afternoon and he will just realize he hasn't eaten all day. Carley is like that. She sleeps late, so that's probably part of it. But if I don't mention eating breakfast to her, she will often skip it. Some days, if I have gone out in the morning, I will come home around 2 or 3pm and ask her what she's eaten that day. More often than not the answer will be "nothing". She just doesn't think about food 1/2 the time. Certainly not a trait she inherited from me.

I grew up in a very food dysfunctional home. My mom had really severe food issues. She was either gorging or starving herself depending on the week. She was overweight my entire life, except for when she went on this liquid protein diet in the 1970's. It made her really thin for a while, but it also made her really sick and eventually when she started eating again, she gained all the weight back. Then in the early 1980's she had her stomach stapled. The precursor to what is now gastric bypass. She lost a bit of weight afterward, certainly not what she thought she would. The worst side effect was that she threw up after almost every meal. Until she discovered she could keep down booze and ice cream, but that's another post.

So with that background, you can see I didn't exactly have a good food role model growing up. My dad was OK, he tried to eat healthy, although butter was one of his favorite foods. But my dad always maintained a healthy weight, and if he gained a few pounds, he would eat salad for a week or two to get back to where he wanted to be. Sure wish I had inherited that gene.

I have struggled with my weight most of my life. I was chubby as child, from about age 9-13. Then I thinned out for high school. Of course I didn't think I was thin even though I was a size 8-10. At 5'6" that seems healthy to me. Unfortunately I was surrounded by very tiny girls in high school. I spent most of my teens and early twenties dieting, watching what I ate very closely, exercising regularly ( I ran and did aerobics) or doing drugs to lose weight. At one point I was 120lbs, but I had to do cocaine to stay there. I hurt my back in 1992, I became quite sedentary and depressed, so what happens when I am sedentary and depressed? I eat and gain weight. So I have been struggling with my weight pretty steadily now since 1992. A pregnancy in 1995 and another in 1997 did nothing to help the situation.

I did manage to lose 50lbs in 2003 on the Atkins diet. But as soon as I added carbs back in, it all came back. I went on Wellbutrin a little over a year ago, and that helped me lose 22lbs. I have managed keep it off, but I am still on the Wellbutrin. I don't know if it would come back if I went off it.

So back to the conversation with my girls. Carley was saying how she just doesn't think about food much. She eats when her body tells her it's hungry. She's a bit of a sedentary girl, likes to read and be on the computer. So I am guessing her body doesn't need much to survive, LOL. She will eat when she is hungry, so I like to leave her alone and let her decide when to eat. That's hard for some people to understand. If you grew up in house where you had to sit down to 3 square meals a day, at set times, it's hard to understand not forcing your child to eat. I have enough problems with food and eating, I don't want to inflict that on my children. I am happy that they can hear their bodies calls and answer them accordingly. Catherine my youngest tends to graze all day. But she is still such a skinny thing, so obviously that works for her.

I feel like I am finally at a place where I am comfortable in my own skin. I do still need to lose about 40lbs., but I don't stress about it all the time or even think about it all the time. I try to move my body in some way everyday, I try to watch what I eat. But if I want a dish of ice cream, I don't freak out about it. I try to show my girls how to eat well, I keep fruit in the house and I really love salads, so they do see me eat them a lot. But I am not afraid to have cookies or chips or soda in the house and I don't restrict what my kids can eat. Making certain foods off limits makes them more enticing, as I have witnessed first hand through some of my children's friends who have severe food restrictions in their homes. I really do believe everything in moderation is the key. And if we don't mess our kids up in their youth, hopefully they can live healthfully as adults. Might be too late for me, but I am working on it.

All sorrows are less with bread.

~Miguel de Cervantes~

Don Quixote

Daughters

Ah, to be the mother of daughters.

My youngest took her first official step toward womanhood Thursday. And she is not happy about it. Suffice it to say, life has not been real pleasant in our house the last few days, LOL.

By some weird coincidence, actually my two daughters and I all ended up in the same predicament as of this past Thursday. Estrogen is flowing rapidly around here. I don't think I would want to be the only woman in a house containing 3 men full of Testosterone, so I can only imagine how my hubby feels living the reverse.

I was sitting around with my daughters late Thursday night and we were talking hormones and all those fun things women go through. I was explaining to my youngest how Estrogen is the female hormone. So my oldest chimes in with an oldie but a goodie: "If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? Testicles!" LOL

Youngest daughter didn't get the joke, so I had to explain to her what testicles were. So of course then we started talking about boy anatomy. At this point dear husband comes up from the basement to go to bed (my daughters and I have the best conversations late at night before bed). Before he comes through the room, he says "Stop talking, I don't want to hear you, just let me go through and go to bed!". This made the girls laugh. Dad wanted nothing to with our conversation. So I yelled at him as he went past, "But we are talking about boy parts, your parts, you should join us!" I don't think so.

So, my babies are no longer babies. No matter how much we may resist, life moves forward. Youngest dear daughter has been resisting growing up since her body started changing. She is completely overwhelmed at the latest, biggest change. I only hope that time will bring her peace and acceptance with what her body can do. Women's bodies really are amazing. I would go through all the pain and aggravation of being a women 100 times over again, knowing it enabled me to give birth to the two beautiful daughters I have. 26 years of periods helped to bring two wonderful lives into the world. And hopefully someday it will enable my daughters to bring some wonderful lives into the world.

Of course, since my birthing days are over, I wouldn't really mind completely passing the torch to the younger generation and moving past this stage in my life. 26 years is long enough for me, thank you : )

Without accepting the fact that everything changes, we cannot find perfect composure. But unfortunately, although it is true, it is difficult for us to accept it. Because we cannot accept the truth of transience, we suffer.

~Shunryu Suzuki~

Memories

Last night for whatever reason my girls and I got on the subject of high school yearbooks. They asked me if I had any. "Yes, I do, and you have seen them before" was my reply. "We don't remember looking at your yearbooks" was their reply. So off we went to hunt down my high school memories.

I have a ratty old chest that I keep old stuff in. It's like a cardboard box covered in a vinyl/plastic that has metal reinforcements and a lock. It's all dented in and the lock has been broken for some time. That's where I keep my memories. (hmm, should the container tell me something?)

Anyway, first out came the yearbooks. We spent some time laughing at how goofy I looked 22-26 years ago. Then my girls spied my prom dress, which was also folded up in my box. They wanted to try it on. Now I have to tell you, when I was in high school I always thought I was fat. There were such teeny tiny skinny girls in my high school, and they were the ones all the boys were always after. I was always on a diet and my self esteem was pretty low. At 16, when I went to prom, I was 5'6" tall and about a size 8.

So my 13 year old puts on my prom dress. At first we can't even get it zippered. I already know her bust is way bigger than mine ever was. But she is a slim girl, she has a very nice balanced figure. We finally get it on and it it fits, almost perfectly. She is currently only 5'3", so it was a little long. But it fit!

After trying on my prom dress, they wanted to try on my gym shorts, which for some reason I also saved. Those fit my 13 year old as well.

After we were done looking at my past and fighting over the color of my prom dress, (when I bought it they called it Dusty Rose, my girls kept saying "It's Pink!" ), I got to thinking.

I spent so many years belittling myself. I never thought I was good enough in high school. Not popular enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough. And here I am 25 years later, and my 13 year old, whom I view as beautiful and having a figure to die for, can fit into my old prom dress and gym shorts.

I am hopeful that my own daughters will not suffer the same low self-esteem as I. Maybe they have learned not to judge themselves against others, but on who they are instead. I think homeschooling has helped. They haven't been around girls who like to tell other girls how they look or how they should look. Girls who think no one is perfect unless you are like them.

As I start my 40's I am so much more confident at this time in my life than I ever have been before. Wisdom with age I suppose. I wonder how different my life and experiences would have been had I enjoyed this confidence when I was 16?

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

~Dr. Seuss~

Chicago

Last week my girls and I went into Chicago to see Wicked. We had been to Chicago before, but never really walked around the city. We always had a destination: Museum of Science and Industry, Field Museum, Shedd Aquarium, American Girl Place, Navy Pier, etc. We would always hit our destination and then hop back in the car and head home.

This time, we had plenty of time after we parked our car to walk around the city a bit before the show. My girls loved it. It was a beautiful day to be out and walking around. We were in a pretty crowded area of town, so there were quite a few people out on the streets. While they both said they wouldn't want to live in a city, they enjoyed being there for the day.

The theater where our show was being held is situated a block or so away from our local ABC news station. They have a ground floor set with big glass windows so you can watch the news live from outside. Sometimes they pan the crowd outside and you can see yourself on TV. After the show, around 5:00pm, we knew the news was on. So we raced over to the the studio. The girls got to see up close the people we always watch on TV. I am kind of addicted to this news station. I watch them every night and also really like the weather man, Jerry Taft. And there they all were! Our favorite weather man even waved to the crowd. And the camera did pan and my girls were on TV for a few seconds. I knew I should have set the tivo before we left the house, darn it! I had intended to have the girls see the studio, I just didn't think we would be there during a news taping. Maybe next time.

We also went into a Border's bookstore while we there. It was the largest Border's I have ever been in, it was three stories tall and had escalators! Now before you think I live in hicksville, you need to know my girls have been on escalators before. Just not very often. So they had to go up and down the escalators a few times. My oldest is 13, and still thinks it is fun to ride an escalator, who knew? Of course what they really want to do is to someday have the opportunity to run up a down escalator. For some reason that is on both of their to do lists!

We saw a few other theaters, as we were in the theater district. We saw the El trains and tracks. We saw taxi cabs and policemen on horses. We saw swanky restaurants. And of course we got to see Wicked, which was the absolute highlight of the day. When it was over, my 13 year old wanted to go the Sbarro restaurant we saw while walking around. She just loves Sbarro and the closest one to us is in a mall about 30 mins away. So while we had a plethora of marvelous restaurants to choose from, we went to Sbarro! Hey, how much culture can a person have in a day?

WICKED!

My daughters and I went to see WICKED yesterday. We have been wanting to see this show for about 2 years now, and the opportunity came up for us to go with a group, for deeply discounted rates. I am glad we went.

The show was FANTASTIC! All the rave reviews have been well deserved. We were up in the balcony, about 7 rows from the absolute back of the theater, and we could still see fairly well and the sound was wonderful.

It's a girls show. Not that men wouldn't enjoy it, but the storyline involves the two main characters, Elphaba and Galinda (who later becomes Glinda). They meet in college, and the song they sing together tells us how they initially feel about each other, "What is This Feeling - Loathing". Then it unfolds how they become friends and how one goes on to become the Wicked Witch of the West and the other Glinda the Good. (They never refer to Glinda as a witch.)

The story does take us all the way to the end of of the movie "The Wizard of Oz." From the ads one would think it only details up until Elphaba becomes the Wicked Witch. I was pleasantly surprised when elements of the movie began to show up in this musical.

Besides the absolutely fantastic music and songs, there was quite a bit of humor in the show. The relationship between the two girls was quite funny at times. It really is a girlfriend musical. It showcases how two women relate as best friends, including the hurt as well as the joy.

My step-daughter met us at the theater and saw the show with us as well. She delighted the girls by telling them she had the Wicked Soundtrack. On the way home, we stopped by her apartment and she gave us a copy. We delighted in re-living the musical again all the way home. I loved that my girls wanted me to "blast" the music and they sang along with their favorite songs. The soundtrack was done by the original Broadway cast, and I must say, I think the leads in our Chicago cast were much better. Elphaba's voice was beyond fantastic. It was strong and clear and perfectly on. She did not make one mistake. It was just a marvelous performance and the entire house gave the two female leads a standing ovation at curtain call.

The best song in the entire show is "Defying Gravity". Some of the unforgettable lyrics:

Something has changed within me

Something is not the same

I'm through with playing by

The rules of someone else's game

Too late for second-guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts

Close my eyes

And leap...

It's time to try defying gravity

I think I'll try defying gravity

And you can't pull me down

I'm through accepting limits

Cuz someone says they're so

Some things I cannot change

But till I try I'll never know

Too long I've been afraid of

Losing love I guess I've lost

Well if that's love

It comes at much too high a cost

Powerful words and a very powerful song. Good lessons in there too.

If you can get to see one Musical this year, try to go and see Wicked. My girls and I are already plotting how we can get back to see it one more time before it leaves Chicago in January. It was just that good. We know we'll catch things the second time that we may have missed the first.

It was such a wonderful thing to be able to share this with my daughters. Their delight at being in the "city" (which I will write about in another post), their awe of the theater and the show itself, and just the joy and happiness they shared about finally being able to see the show we have only talked about for the last two years. I believe this is one of the things that will stick in their memories forever. Something they will be able to look back on as adults and remember the day they got to go to Chicago and see Wicked with their mom.

Helping Our Kids

My oldest daughter had a martial arts class tonight. She has it every Tuesday and Thursday from 7-8pm. It's only about 10 mins away, so not a huge deal. I asked my dear husband to take her tonight. At about 4 mins till 7:00 he calls, telling me dear daughter forgot her belt. Belts are important in martial arts, it lets everyone else know what your rank is, as this is a mixed rank class. So, I grab the belt and hop in the car and make it to the class by 7:03. Dear hubby was standing outside ready to grab the belt and run inside. Hopefully the class started a little late and she didn't have to do any push ups. They have to do push ups occasionally for minor infractions. It builds character, or so they say. But I digress.......

So while I was driving home, after dropping the belt with dear hubby, I started thinking about how my parents never would have done that for me. They would have said too bad, so sad, you forgot the belt, you deal with the consequences. It actually never would have crossed my mind to even call my parents to ask. I knew the answer would always be no, so why call? My parents very rarely drove me anywhere as it was. Luckily I had an older sister and brother and friends willing to drive me places.

Some people say you shouldn't bring things to kids who forgot them. I know people who have let their kids skip lunch rather than bring it to their school. Moms who have let their children get detention rather than bring an important book or paper they have forgotten. I know people who know their kids have forgotten stuff when they are leaving the house, and let them forget the stuff anyway to teach them a lesson. What kind of lesson is that? That you are a mean mom?

What's wrong with helping out our kids?

I have brought my eldest daughter things she forgot for sleepovers more than once. One time I brought a teddy bear to her at 11:00 at night. It was 20 mins away, so 40 mins round trip for me. She was 10 or 11 (can't remember) and I knew she couldn't sleep without her teddy. This same daughter has forgotten games she wanted to bring to game night at the library, and when she was younger and in Montessori school, she occasionally forgot gym shoes for gym or some other pertinent item she needed that day. I ALWAYS have taken the item to my daughter. Youngest daughter seems to have a bit of a better memory. She likes to be prepared so she thinks ahead before leaving the house, or she remembers soon after leaving the house so I just need to turn around and go back home for a second. But on the rare occasion she forgets something, I will go home and get it for her.

I still forget stuff all the time. I very rarely leave the house and leave for good. I would say 9 times out of 10 I come back in because I forgot something. My kids laugh, because they just expect me to come back in now. Did my parents never bringing me my stuff teach me not to be forgetful? No, of course not. That is a punishment, not a lesson. How did some parenting "experts" decide that not helping out our kids is helping them?

Forgetfulness to me is a personality trait. Sure there are tricks to help people remember. Lists and notes and things. It is not a big issue here because we don't have to get out of the house for school everyday, with backpacks and a million other little things the schools require kids to have everyday. If we did maybe we would try lists and notes and things. But if either daughter still forgot stuff, I would still be ready to bring them what they needed, no questions asked.

It all goes back to that respectful living thing. If I have the ability and the time, and because I love my children, why wouldn't I help them whenever possible? It would never even have occurred to me tonight to say no, I will not bring your belt. I just grabbed it and ran out the door, doing my best to get there before the class started. Isn't that what being a mom is all about?

Hanging with my Daughter

This past Tuesday I had the opportunity to spend some quality time with my youngest daughter. First we went to a neighboring town to check out their Farmer's Market. It was kind of lame. Seeing as this is only July in the Midwest most of the good veggies aren't ready yet. There were potatoes, onions and lettuce. But no berries, no corn or tomatoes. So nothing that interested us. I thought my daughter would want to head right home, as it was pretty hot out and she wasn't overly thrilled coming with me in the first place. (But she did come willingly!)

Imagine my surprise when she wanted to stay and walk around the "Square". The Farmer's Market we went to is located in a historic part of this neighboring town. They have an area in town set up as a square. There are many shops and an old theater. It has cobblestone streets. Very cool area of town. If you have seen "Groundhog Day", then you have seen this square. It was filmed there.

So anyway, nothing exciting at the farmer's market, so we hit the stores. There is a great little candy shop which we hit first. They have the most delightful malted milk balls you have ever had. They are like triple dipped in chocolate....delicious. So of course we bought a pound of those. Then we continued on and ended up at the bakery. (Can you tell we were hungry?) We each got a donut. Then we went to a local Hallmark store and looked at Croc's and Webkinz. Isn't it funny how Hallmark stores sell Croc's? Then it was on to a mini indoor mall. There was a school/office supply store, I bought my daughter some pastels. There was a fabric shop and we looked around at all the fabric. There was also sandwich shop, but we decided the sandwich's looked too expensive and fancy for our tastes.

Outside the mini mall, back on the square we hit a book store. After that we realized we had "done" the square. We were back where we started. We still had our donuts, so we decided to venture into the park in the middle of the square to eat them. In the park area there is a gazebo where bands can play. There was a family band (mom, dad, daughter and what looked like grandma up there), they were playing mostly 60's hits. So we sat on a bench in the park and just enjoyed the atmosphere for a little while.

We decided to hit the road and head for home. On the way out of town, I remembered there was an antique mall that we would pass by. I figured dear daughter was tired and would just want to head home, but imagine my surprise when she was excited about going to the antique mall.

The mall is a collection of consignors so there is quite a variety of things to look at. It's all one space, so you don't leave one store for another. Once you are in you are in. It had an upstairs and down. We spent 1 1/2 hours wandering around this mall. My daughter is enamoured with all things old. She loves old sitcoms, she loves old history. She was just fascinated by some of the antiques. I guess I should have taken her to an antique store before now. We looked at furniture and toys and books. We spent a lot of time looking at old books. We looked at jewelry and old clothes. I saw some things that were around in my youth, and I had fun telling my daughter how I used to use some of the things. I showed her things I remembered my grandmother owning. And she actually wanted to listen and hear about it. (Not everything in the mall is a true antique, but it's all older than her).

Finally in the end, after I told her I would buy her something if she wanted, she settled on a piggy bank. She has decided she wants to start collecting piggy banks. This is only her second piggy bank, so we have more piggy shopping to do. There is a town about 1/2 hour north of me that is known for it's antique stores. I mentioned to my daughter that we should go sometime and she was excited about it. She wants to spend another day antiquing with her mom.

I feel like the days of my kids wanting to pal around with me are waning. As I said at the beginning, when we first set out on our adventurous day, she wasn't too keen on joining me. She actually tried to bail at the last minute, but then I think she felt bad because she had told me she wanted to come. But in the end I know she had a really nice time, and so did I. We didn't play video games or watch TV or even see a movie. We walked around a historic square, looked in shops, talked to each other. We explored other people's old stuff and talked about what their lives must have been like. We made plans to do it again. Man I love my kids.

Don't Blink!

I was thinking again today about the passage of time. I was thinking back to when my 2nd daughter was born. Boy was that tough. My oldest was just two, and I had a newborn. That first year seems like a whirlwind. I remember just trying to make it through each day. A nursing baby and a busy toddler who never slept. I couldn't wait to go to bed at night.

We watched some old home movies a few weeks back. Darn if my kids weren't so darn cute! I do remember thinking how cute they were at the time, but it was always a fleeting thought as mindless tasks would begin to fill my mind instead: They need their diapers changed, they never ate lunch, Carley shouldn't watch so much Barney, Catherine needs to nurse, AGAIN! It seems there was always something I had to do FOR them. I didn't spend enough time just being WITH them. I mean I was with them all day, everyday, but I wasn't really present. I was in survival mode. I'm sorry about that now.

My girls are now 11 and 13 and I am enjoying the heck out of them. I know to a lot of people this is a horrible age, especially for girls. But I think this is why I am enjoying it so much. I was just like them. Their little snarky comments, the rolling of their eyes, the look that I must just be so dense, how could they have a mom like me? They make me laugh. Plus, as their bodies change, and they become more like me (a woman instead of a girl) we have more in common and more to talk about. I can try to share some wisdom in those rare moments when they actually want to listen to me. I really feel like I am PRESENT with them at this time. I like to go places with them and I like to do things with them. I am relishing these moments because I know they will be gone in the blink of an eye. Just like when they were 2 and 4 and I was so wishing they would just get a little older, a little faster, so my life would be a little easier. Well they did get older, and it came a lot faster than I expected. All of a sudden my little toddlers have become bright, beautiful young women.

I look forward to watching the future unfold for them. I wait in anticipation to see what they choose to do with their lives. But I don't wish for it to come too quickly. I want to stretch out this time with my girls as long as I can. It is time I will never get back, so I better not miss it.

A daughter is the happy memories of the past, the joyful moments of the present, and the hope and promise of the future.

~Author Unknown~

Right to Bear Arms

In light of today's proper ruling by the Supreme Court of the United States, I thought I would share a few pictures my hubby took of our youngest daughter this last weekend.

My husband and I were sitting on our deck enjoying the weather and a few brewskies (that's beer for those not familiar with Chicago lingo : )

My youngest daughter came out to see us, and she was wearing her finest commando outfit. No reason for said outfit, she just found some things that matched and put them on. This inspired my hubby to run to the basement and retrieve a few of his guns so he could take some pictures of our lovely daughter holding them.

She normally has a much happier look on her face......she was trying to look mean, LOL.

I am happy to know that we will continue to have the legal right to own our guns, and that we will be able to teach our daughters how to arm and defend themselves when they get older.

I always like it when our government gets something right.

"No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government."

~Thomas Jefferson, Proposed Virginia Constitution, 1776, Jefferson Papers 344~

People Are Strange

If we had no faults of our own, we would not take so much pleasure in noticing those of others.

~Francois duc de la Rochefoucauld~

I had quite a few opportunities yesterday to do some people watching. Thought I would share my observations.

First, my youngest daughter is taking sailing lessons, so my oldest daughter and I decided to stay at the beach during the class time. The beach is a great place to people watch. My first observation was of some teens that should not have been wearing the swimsuits they were wearing. A few were so skimpy, they might as well have had nothing on. These girls looked to be 8th grade or so. I have an almost 8th grader, so I think I am a fairly good judge of age. These girls were acting way beyond their years sexually if you know what I mean. And the Jr. High boys with the overactive hormones they were hanging with seemed to only have eyes for their bods. Then there were the few girls wearing the same types of suits that they did not have the body for. More power to them if they are that confident in their body, but when the swimsuit looks two sizes too small, and you are bulging out all over, it might be time to re-think what you're wearing. I don't think we need to be Amish a the beach, but a little decency goes a long way in my book. I don't want to watch your 13 year old strutting around the beach like she's God's gift to all Jr. High boys, and then have to watch the boys molest your daughters with their eyes. And I don't want to have to watch the poor chubby girls falling out of their barely covering swimsuits, trying hopelessly to keep up with the skimpy thin girls. Where are these girls mothers? Do they know what their daughters are doing at the beach?

After the beach I went to the grocery store. As I was walking in there was a lady just finishing putting her groceries in her car. She had one of the closest spots to the entrance. She appeared to be 50ish, appeared to be in good health and appeared to be well off. She was driving a very nice car and was very well dressed. When she finished loading her car, she looked around to see where the cart corral was so she could put her cart away. The nearest corral to her was probably 50 feet away. Maybe a little more, but not far at all. Well, she must have decided it was too far, because she pushed her cart into the handicapped spot next to her car and left it there. This kind of stuff bugs the crap out of me. I had parked pretty far back in the parking lot. It was a beautiful day yesterday. It took me 3-4 times as long to get into the store from my car than it would've been for her to walk to that stupid cart corral. She didn't have any kids with her, like I said she appeared to be in good health. She wasn't parked in the handicapped parking. What is wrong with people? How hard is it to put a cart away? I can understand if it is pouring rain or freezing cold or if you have babies or little ones with you, but none of that applied. I wanted to ask her why she couldn't walk the darn cart to the corral. But I didn't. I should start asking these questions of people's stupid behavior, because they bug me. And I did grab that cart out of the handicapped spot and walk it into the store.

In the store is a whole other world of people watching. I just love the people that pull down the tops of EVERY SINGLE EAR of CORN to see how fresh it is and to find the PERFECT one. So when I want to buy some corn, they are all open and dried out. Maybe you are one of those people, but it is a habit that drives me crazy. How often do you open up an ear of corn that is bad? I don't pull down corn to find good ones, and I have an almost 100% success rate with bringing home decent corn. Or the people that stand in the middle of the aisle, staring at the soup say, for what seems an eternity, and won't move over for you. I will usually wait a minute, and then ask politely if I can get by. Most people move, but then you get the ones who just won't. I've had people tell me they'll be done in a minute. Well, in a minute I could be up and down the next aisle. Usually at the point I'll just turn around. How hard is it to move out of the way? Where do these people get their sense of entitlement and the feeling they are more important than the rest of us? What is up with that? Why are some people just so rude?

My last observation of the day was made at the Emergency vets office. One of my cats got into a scuffle yesterday. He came home with a puncture in his paw, and scratches around his head. I wanted to avoid the ER vet if I could, but he seemed to be in pain and I didn't want to have to worry all night. So around 8pm I am off to the Vet ER. When I arrive two other people are ahead of me. One was a woman with her 2 daughters. (Their dog rolled off the bed and hurt his paw, nothing too serious.) One of the girls appeared to be 6 or so, the other maybe 11 or 12. Both girls were small, thin, pretty girls. Mom was average height, not too thin, appeared to be pretty fit. While they are waiting to check out the oldest one starts lifting up her shirt and patting her stomach. Remember, she is a thin girl, no bulge there. She starts telling her mom how fat she is getting. Patting her now showing stomach and whining about how bad she looks. So her mom turns to her and tells her to do something about it. Watch what you're eating and start working out more. Mom didn't say exercise, she said working out. This girl was thin. I saw an eating disorder in the making. The message itself wasn't a bad one....working out and eating well are good things. But when your thin daughter tells you how fat she is getting, is that the first thing you should say to her? What is wrong with some of these moms? Are they just clueless?

Now I am not saying I am perfect. Far from it. And I suppose someone watching me may think I am weird. But I don't think I am rude, I put my carts away and wear decent swimsuits at the beach (as do my daughters). And I work really hard to let my daughters know that they are fine at any size, health is what is important. So am I just easily annoyed, or do the weird things people do and say bug you too?

Co-Sleeping aka The Family Bed

Golden slumbers fill your eyes. Smiles awake you when you rise. Sleep pretty darling do not cry, and I will sing a lullabye.

~ Paul McCartney~

I've read some things in the news lately regarding co-sleeping with infants. Seems there is a campaign that has been started called "Babies Sleep Safest Alone". A mothering group (of all people) has decided they need to let the world know how dangerous it is to sleep with our children.

People are being misled because they are not looking at the proper statistics. When done properly, co-sleeping is pretty darn safe. It is a shame that some group of people has decided once again what is and what is not ok for the rest of us. They want to police our food, our language, our political views, our religion and once again how we raise our children.

When my first daughter was born, I hadn't really thought about co-sleeping. I had a bassinet ready for her. Her first night home, I couldn't sleep. Even thought the bassinet was at the end of my bed, I had to keep checking on her. It was ridiculous. So I finally decided my need for sleep was more important than her being in the bassinet. After that my cat got a lot of use out of it : )

I loved sleeping with my daughter. It was easy to nurse, I never had to get up in the middle of the night. Other than occasionally getting peed on, there really were no negatives. I remember once going to the doctor for her two month well-check (another thing I didn't know I didn't need at the time). Anyway, there were two other mom's in the waiting room with little babies. They were commiserating on their lack of sleep and their baby keeping them up all night. I listened for a few minutes and then said "Have you tried taking the baby to bed?" By the look I got from the both of them, you would have thought I suggested putting a pillow over the babies head! One of them said "Um, that isn't really safe". And the other said "My husband would never allow it". I took it upon myself to suggest that these women read Dr. Sears Baby Book. I also told them how I was never up at night, that my baby was fine, and there are many safe ways to co-sleep. Not sure it made any difference to these women, but I tried to plant the seed when I could.

When my daughter was 4 months old, I had to have major back surgery. I needed to stop nursing and I was in the hospital for a week, and then I had a 9-12 month recovery. The first thing I did was have my dear husband promise to continue sleeping with our daughter. I slept in a t-shirt for about 2 weeks straight without washing it. (Eww, I know, but I wanted it to REALLY smell like me). My husband slept with our daughter and my t-shirt while I was gone. I think it really helped her that her routine was the same. After I came home, I wasn't able to lift her. I also had to wear a heavy plastic brace when I was up, so I couldn't really even hold her in a chair. And I could no longer nurse, so my time with her really was when we were in bed. I would take her to bed during the day and nap with her. I continued to lay her against me while I gave her a bottle, just like she was nursing. If I had kept her in a crib, I would've missed out on a ton of bonding time with her.

When DD 1 was about 1 1/2 years old, I found out I was pregnant with DD 2. Co-sleeping was going very well for us, so DH and I decided we needed a bigger bed if we would soon have 2 in the bed. ("Ten in the bed and the little one said "roll over, roll over", LOL I digress!) So we moved from a Queen sleeping 3 to a King sleeping 4. It worked pretty well. Eldest DD slept by daddy and I had newest DD by me. When oldest DD was about 3 she started really being active in her sleep. So we put a toddler bed right next to ours and that's where she moved to. She was happy with that. When she was about 5 she decided she wanted her own room. I had planned to let the girls decide when they wanted to leave our room. Self-weaning off of co-sleeping. And imagine that, at a healthy age of 5 she decided she was ready. You can not imagine the grief I received from people over the co-sleeping thing. How my girls would be so clingy, how I wasn't helping them learn how to sleep alone. Hello? Why does one need to learn how to sleep? Don't you just sleep when you are tired? For goodness sakes, people can be so ridiculous on the "what kids need to learn to survive" thing. Why is it so bad to want to be a parent for 24 hours? When parents lock their babies in a bedroom, letting them cry in their cribs, they aren't parenting. Sorry if I am offending anyone, but I just don't believe babies should ever be left alone to cry. People say "but if you just leave them alone, they stop crying eventually". Well, I think babies are smarter than they are given credit for. They stopped because you didn't come. Doesn't mean they still didn't need you, they just learned that even if they need you, you may not always be there. Pretty early to learn that lesson, don't ya think?

This is one of those subjects I am REALLY passionate about. I just think children who have been allowed to attach to their parents (attachment parenting) grow up to be much more secure individuals. They feel safe and loved from the very beginning. A columnist who writes about parenting issues in my local paper wrote an article a while back about letting children cry it out. I emailed her saying how I felt she was giving new parents poor information as she never mentioned co-sleeping. So she decided to write an article on The Family Bed, and she interviewed me. I will talk about co-sleeping to anyone who will listen.

Regardless of your position, again this is one of those issues where both sides need to be heard. Unfortunately the news media, run by the nanny state, tends to focus only on the other side. You know the whole "It takes a village to raise a child, and that village is the government side". I don't think I have ever seen a positive news program on co-sleeping. And now that parenting groups are getting involved, saying how terrible it is, those of us who believe in it, and believe it to be the best way, need to stand up and make our voices heard. Millions of babies around the world continue to sleep with their parents. They have been doing it since life began. Most people in this world are not as well off as we are. Each child doesn't get his own bedroom, children sleep with their parents. And then often enough, they sleep with their siblings ( a natural progression from co-sleeping). They may not even realize what a wonderful thing they are doing, they are doing what they know, what has always been done in their culture. Sometimes, it would be good for us to take a step back from "studies" and doctors and "experts" and look to the rituals and customs of the past. Women need to start trusting their instincts instead of doing what friends and doctors and news articles tell them to. How did women manage to raise their children before there were books and magazines and news programs on the subject? What did those women on the prairie do when they had no family around and they were having babies? They did what they knew in their heart was best for their baby. Breast feeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing. It all goes hand in hand.