Parenting 101

  A good friend of mine wrote a speech for a class she took while getting her psychology degree (she just graduated with her Bachelor's degree, congrats Jody).  I had lunch with her today to discuss the "joys" of raising teenagers.  She thought I might find her speech enlightening, and has given me permission to share it here, so that I may enlighten others.  (May you all feel enlightened ; )

Parenting 101 

This speech is intended for parents and future parents of all ages.  Those of you who have decided not to have children, you are very wise and should be revered by all.  I suggest complete abstinence from sex for the rest of your lives (don't take any chances.)  

1.  For those of you who are not yet parents - DON'T DO IT!

2.  For parent's of young children - enjoy it while you can.  You have no idea what you're in for (you fools!)

3.  For parents of teenagers - God help you.  You have my sympathies.

4.  For parents of adults - HOW THE HELL DID YOU SURVIVE?

I feel it is my duty to bring to light some common misconceptions about proper parenting (pun intended). 

(1.)  The first 5 years of a child's life are the most critical years in personality development.  If you are an attentive and conscientious parents during this period of time, you will produce well adjusted, happy teenagers.  

TRUTH - It doesn't really matter what you do because all teenagers will have their heads up their asses and will drive you to drink, so you might as well start drinking now and enjoy the ride.  

(2.)  Teach your children responsibility by requiring them to go to school, do their homework and do simple chores around the house.  This will teach them a good work ethic and to be proud of a job well done.  

TRUTH - You are just wasting your time bitching and nagging at them.  They will turn on you like dogs when they are teenagers, and there is nothing on earth you can do to make them do their homework, including pleading, bribery, water torture and beating the crap out of them.  Go have a drink instead.  

(3.)  Give your children something to believe in.  Teach them your faith and bring them to church or temple or whatever you believe in, regularly.  Being part of a religious community gives children a sense of belonging and teaches them good morals and values.  

TRUTH - They won't hear a single word of any sermons at church in all the years you bring them there.   When they are 6 they will think Jesus is Santa Claus.  When they are 10 they will tell the Sunday School teacher, "My mom yells at my dad all the time."  When they are 14 they will get caught smoking in the church parking lot, and when they are 17 they will tell you that God is a figment of your imagination anyway, and you will believe them.  Screw it.  Go out drinking on Saturday nights and stay in bed nursing your hangover on Sunday mornings instead of dragging those unwilling brats to church every frigging week. 

(4.)  Set a good example for your children.  Children learn by observing those around them.  If you want your children to grow up and be responsible citizens, then you must act responsibly.  

TRUTH - Your teenagers don't want to be like you!  They want to be ANYTHING but you!  They will walk through fire to get AWAY from you.   If you want them to be respectful, responsible human beings, then you should do the OPPOSITE!  Go ahead.....be a big loser!  You will be doing your children a favor in the long run.  Here are some suggestions:  

1.  Get arrested

2.  Lose your job

3.  Be promiscuous

4.  Do drugs

5.  Lie.  Chest.  Steal.

6.  And most importantly - drink heavily.

Thank you for listening.  I feel I have performed a great service to society by dispelling these myths and I urge you to do the same, saving thousands of unsuspecting, would-be parents from lives of disillusionment.  

For those with young children:  I am aware of your superior attitude because I used to have it.  I looked with disdain at my neighbor's children running around outside in their underwear and cowboy boots, while their mother sipped a margarita on her back deck.  I was SURE that my children would NEVER act like that.  I WAS WRONG!  Now I'm downing tequila straight from the bottle while my children are running around on college campuses doing God Knows What, wearing God Knows What, only calling home when they need money.  I should have started drinking long ago.   

~Jody Powers

Religions of the World

Courtesy of my daughter : )

More Irishness, in honor of the Holiday!

What It Means To Be Irish:

1) You will never play professional basketball.
2) You swear very well.
3) At least one of your cousins is a fireman, cop, bar owner, funeral home owner or holds political office.
4) You think you sing very well.
5) You have no idea how to make a long story short!
6) There isn't a big difference between you losing your temper or killing someone...
7) Much of your childhood meals were boiled.
8) You have never hit your head on a ceiling.
9) You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling in prayer (ya know ya were thinkin' about being badwhether ya did it or not).
10) You're strangely poetic after a few beers.
11) You are, therefore, poetic a lot.
12) You will be punched for no good reason...a lot.
13) Some punches directed at you are from legacies of past generations.
14) Many of your sisters and/or cousins are named Mary, Catherine or Eileen...and there is at least one member of
your family with the full name of Mary Catherine Eileen.
15) Someone in your family is incredibly cheap. It is more than likely you.
16) You may not know the words, but that doesn't stop you from singing.
17) You can't wait for the other guy to stop talking before you start talking.
18) You're not nearly as funny as you think you are...but what you lack in talent, you make up for in frequency.
19) There wasn't a huge difference between your last Wake and your last keg party.
20) You are, or know someone, named Murph.
21) If you don't know Murph then you know Mac. If you don't know Murph or Mac then you know Sully.
Then you probably know Sully MacMurphy.
22) You are genetically incapable of keeping a secret.
23) You have Irish Alzheimer's... your forget everything but the grudges!
24) "Irish Stew" is a euphemism for "boiled leftovers."
25) All of your losses are alcohol related (loss of virginity, loss of drivers license, loss of money, loss of job,loss of significant other, loss of teeth from punch...) but it never stops you from drinking.

I didn't write this, but I can admit, some of these fit me!

Sunday Funny

A man walked into the lingerie department of Dunnes in Dublin and said to the woman behind the counter, "I'd like to buy a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."

What type of bra? asked the clerk. "Baptist" said the man. She said get a Baptist bra, and that you'd know what she meant."

"Ah yes, now I remember" said the saleslady. "We don't sell many of those. Mostly our customers want the Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, or the Presbyterian type.

"Confused the man asked, "What's the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple; the Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright. Then there's the Baptist type."

"What does that do?" asked the man.

She replied, "It makes mountains out of molehills."

Friday Funny

Pig of the Apocalypse

Thursday Night Funny

Here's another stolen bit of humor. I don't who wrote this, but I enjoyed it and thought I'd share.


Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several lines of code streaming up the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.

Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he had come up with.

Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished. and stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"

God chuckles, "Jesus saves."

Rules For Cats

This is an oldie, but a goodie. I didn't write it, but I think it applies. At least to my cats.


Rules For Cats

1. DOORS

Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs & scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door & pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in & out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.

2. CHAIRS & RUGS

If you have to yack (aka barf, heave, urp, etc.), get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you can't manage this in time, get to an oriental rug. If there are no oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When yaking on shag be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as human's bare foot.

3. BATHROOMS

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (see rule 1) It is not necessary to do anything - just sit & stare.

4. HELPING

If one of your humans is engaged in some busy activity & the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping":

When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You can't be seen & thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on & then picked up & comforted.

For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes & book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out & slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember that the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery & needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the human may tell you.

For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity) keep in mind the aim - to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love it when you jump.

5. WALKING

As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are:

-On stairs, when they have something in their arms
-In the dark
-When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills.

6. BED TIME

Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book-end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try & squirm but your sheer numbers & inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.

7. COMPUTERS

Only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the operator will need your help. Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight & cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and the person operating the computer. For best results, stand as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go & sulk in a corner for a minute,then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.

Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del.

Always chase the mouse, your owner can't blame you for this, since it's your feline instinct to chase mice.

Friday Funny

I've been sick the last few days, so I am passing along something a friend sent me. I didn't write it, I don't know who did. But it made me laugh and I thought it might make you laugh too.


Here's something to think about. I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked,"'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

"Oh, no," I said, "My former doctor told me that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"'No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"'No," I said.

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you even give a shit?"

There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward.

~John Mortimer~

I wish I Could Laugh it Off

These cartoons go along with yesterday's post.

More Wise Words

So many wise people on the internet, so little time. Again, another email being sent around without an owner. But wise words indeed:

FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE

1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.

2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.

3. Colt: The original point and click interface.

4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.

5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?

6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.

7. "Free" men do not ask permission to bear arms.

8. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.

9. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.

10. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights reserved.

11. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?

12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.

13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.

14. Guns only have two enemies; rust and politicians.

15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.

16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.

17. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.

8. Assault is a behavior, not a device.

19. Criminals love gun control -- it makes their jobs safer.

20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.

21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.

22. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.

23. Enforce the "gun control laws" we ALREADY have, don't make more.

24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.

25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.

26. "A government of the people, by the people, for the people..."

Oh C'mon, Laugh A Little

Again I have stolen someone else's joke. I would give credit where it is due, if I knew who to give the credit to. Whoever they are, I thank them.


A teacher was explaining the two party system to her students, and little Tommy raised his hand to say he plans to be a Republican.

"Why is that?" asked the teacher.

"Well," he replied, "My father was a Republican, and my grandfather was a Republican, and my great grandfather was a Republican.

"Wanting the child to think for himself, she prodded: "What if your father, and your grandfather, and your great grandfather had all been thieves?"

Quickly Tommy responded, "Then I'd be a Democrat."