Stop Being Mean to Your Kids!!!!!!!

“Feelings are real and legitimate; children behave and misbehave for a reason, even if adults cannot figure it out.”

So I was in Kohl's last week.  Casually browsing through the men's Hawaiian shirts, trying to find the perfect shirt for Father's Day.  It was early, 10:30 am, and the store was not yet crowded, so I was alone in the menswear dept.  And then I heard it, a small child, crying/whining "But I'm tired!"  And then I heard the mom say in her meanest voice ever "THERE ARE NO CARTS WITH SEATS! YOU HAVE TO WALK!!!!!!!". 

The voices got louder, I knew they were heading my way, but still could not see this little family amongst all the racks of clothing.  The girl kept crying "Mama, I'm tired!"  The mom kept bitching "You are 3 years old!  You have legs and can WALK!"  

Finally they walked past where I was perusing my shirts.  All single file.  First the mom, mid 30's probably, looking very stern.  Then the 3 year old, just a tiny thing, all hunched over, dragging her feet, rubbing her eyes.  Crying.  Then a third person, another girl, probably 7 or 8, walking along not saying a peep, just looking sad. 

I wanted to pick up the 3 year old and give her a little squeeze and tell her "I know you are tired, I'm sorry your mom dragged you to this store".  But I just kept looking at my shirts, and cringing every time this mom yelled at her 3 year old for being tired.  I wanted to tell this mom that her time with her 3 year old will be over in a flash, and that her daughter was the most precious thing right now, not shopping, and that she should pick her up and give her a squeeze, and then maybe she'd more happily walk along.  Or if she was really tired (I know my toddlers often woke up at 5-6am!), how hard would it be to carry her along, this was a tiny 3 year old, not a big hulking one. 

But I said nothing.  I don't think if I had it would have been well received.  The older girl seemed sad, either the mom had been bitching at her kids all morning, or she just wasn't an overall nice mom.  Seems the older daughter had already learned the drill, keep your emotions hidden, don't voice your concerns.  Just follow along and tow the line.  Sad really.

I see this too often.  Parent's dragging their kids here and there, the kids are tired, the parent's are yelling at them.  Why does a child deserve to be yelled at for being tired and sharing their feelings?  This is why kids shut down and learn not to feel.  They have been raised by people who don't honor them, or their feelings or care about what they think.  This is why people eat too much and smoke and drink and do drugs and shop, etc.  They were taught to shut off their emotions as kids, to stay out of trouble or to avoid being yelled at.  If you have lost touch with your emotions, you don't know who you are or what you are feeling.  If you don't know those things, you look for outside things to make you feel better. 

I'm no shrink, but I have been there.  I was often told as a child what to feel.  If I cried I was told not to cry.  If I was slapped and cried I was told it didn't hurt.  If something happened I was told it wasn't as bad as I was making it out to be. 

No one knows what someone else is feeling and no one else has the right to tell someone else how to feel.  EVER!  

Even a 3 year old knows what they feel.  Until someone bigger and stronger tells them, over and over, that they aren't feeling what they think they are.  Then they begin to question themselves, until they no longer feel. 

Wake up parents!  

"Feelings are everywhere - be gentle."

Kindergarten

We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today.
~Stacia Tauscher~

I belong to several yahoo chat groups on unschooling. We have recently been discussing this article: Kindergarten Cram. If you don't feel like going to the link, the gist of it is Kindergartner's are now suffering through homework and testing. Egads!

Kindergarten is from the German meaning children's garden. What does one think of when they think of a child's garden? I know I think of trees and flowers and children running and playing, maybe stopping to pick and smell of the flowers, maybe trying to climb some of the trees. Maybe chasing each other and playing tag, or even having a picnic. I certainly don't think of little bodies stuffed into desks listening to some teacher drone on and on about their next testing session.

When I was old enough for Kindergarten both of my parents worked. I went to a normal public school Kindergarten (PS 98 in NYC) for about 3 weeks before my mother realized she could not work with the 1/2 day schedule. I don't remember too much about it other than the 2 1/2 hours going by very quickly. I don't remember going outside much, but it was right in the heart of Manhattan, so I can see why.

After realizing Kindergarten wouldn't work for me, I was put into a daycare center. I loved it there. I was in the class with the other "big" kids. Those of us who should have been in Kindergarten but weren't. I remember being one of the first kids dropped off in the morning and one of the last picked up at the end of the day. But I didn't mind it too much, I had a lot of fun there.

Those of us who were early arrivals got to eat breakfast at the center. I remember they used to let me eat bowls of peanut butter for breakfast. No one thought it was weird, no one shamed me, they just let me eat my bowl of peanut butter. I also remember they had a big table that they filled with sand in the cold months and water in the warmer months. Sand and water fun INSIDE! How cool was that! We used to make our afternoon snack together in the mornings, sometimes pudding, sometimes cookies. It was a fun thing to look forward to each morning knowing we would get to eat our creations that afternoon. We had our own cubbies and our own pillow and blanket for our nap time each afternoon. No one forced us to nap, if we weren't sleepy we just needed to have quiet time. Thinking back on all of this, I can't help but think that maybe some of my unschooling tendencies were quietly planted in my little head while at this daycare center. I think for 1973 they were definitely ahead of their time in their approach to children. But it was NY.

Finally, my most favorite memory of this center was the roof. Being NY, land is a premium and while there are plenty of parks, not too many were at schools, especially small private daycare centers. So they put a big chain link fence around the roof and built a huge playground up there. We had slides and swings and monkey bars and see saws and a sand box and it was all on the roof. And we got to go up there twice each day. Once in the morning and once after lunch. Even in the snow. I don't remember having to sit and "learn" something everyday while there, but I am sure learning took place. It was just in such a fun and free environment it happened naturally. Imagine that, learning being fun!

My own girls went to Montessori for Kindergarten. Montessori is also a very free environment. My girls loved it there. They too got to bake and create and go outside and just be kids in that environment. Their teachers were loving and genuinely cared about each child. That is what Kindergarten should be. I actually would prefer that Kindergarten didn't exist. Had I known about homeschooling/unschooling when my girls were little, they might not have gone to Montessori, but I can at least rest in knowing that by going I did them no harm. I am very glad I didn't subject them to public school Kindergarten, at least not what passes for Kindergarten today. Parents need to take back the schools. They need to do what is in the best interest of their children. Children need to play, they need to observe the world around them, they need to get outside and be in touch with nature. They don't need to be stuffed into desks in airless classrooms listening to some person who just wants to make it through her day drone on and on about meaningless drivel. Let our little ones be free. I can dream can't I?

You are worried about seeing him spend his early years in doing nothing. What! Is it nothing to be happy? Nothing to skip, play, and run around all day long? Never in his life will he be so busy again.
~Jean-Jacques Rousseau~

Choices

"In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.”
~Eleanor Roosevelt~

We all have choices to make in this world. When I first got pregnant and held my first daughter, schooling was the farthest thing from my mind. I read a bunch of books about ways to parent, took a breast-feeding class and a baby basics class. I thought back to all the kids I baby-sat and how they were parented and how I was raised. But when it came down to it, I followed my gut.

I've always felt like I had pretty good intuition. I tend to rely on my instincts more than my intellect. So we co-slept, I nursed long term. I let my children self-wean instead of relying on someone else's standard of when my child should start and/or stop doing something. I never wanted to go the traditional school route, so I found Montessori which I loved. Then I learned about homeschooling. I liked having my girls around, I was never one of those parents who couldn't wait to get their kids into school, or who dread summer vacation and can't wait until fall so they can be rid of their kids again. (Don't get me started on the parents who say those things in front of their kids! That's another post!)

When we started homeschooling and using curriculum, we were miserable and it felt 'wrong". So I went back to my gut and got rid of the curriculum and read all about unschooling and knew that was the way for us. Some people don't understand it, some people don't get it. Whatever.

Now my girls are getting older and it's time for them to start listening to themselves. My oldest wants to go to high school. I think she's old enough to make this decision for herself. Some people I know think I shouldn't let her go. That's not what my heart is telling me. My heart is telling me it's time to trust and let go. It's time to loosen the apron strings a bit and allow her this opportunity. She might hate it and want to come running home. That's ok, I'll welcome her with open arms. Or she might love it and pull a little further away. That's ok too, she needs to figure out who she is and who she wants to be. It's not my job as her mother to protect her from living her own life.

Life is a wonderful gift, and I think too many people (I hate to lay the blame on Christians again, but here goes) Christians in particular, are so afraid of the world. They are so afraid to let their children meet or hang out with non-Christians, to let their children date or listen to certain music, etc., etc. How on earth are these kids going to survive as adults? Unless one lives in a commune, one has to engage in the world. I suppose families like the Duggars who keep their daughters in the closet until their husbands come calling would say no, one doesn't always need to engage in the world, but I disagree. I think it is far worse to shelter our children and leave them completely unprepared than it is to allow them into the world and let them make their own choices.

Of course I don't agree a six year old can make the same choices as a teen. It's all relative. And I admit I was a bit sheltering of my girls when they were younger. But now that they are entering those teen years, I have to hope that the things they have learned thus far will fare them well in the future. I remember when I was 14 (like my eldest). My mom was such a control freak, so I lied and snuck around. It would have been so much better if she could've listened to me and understood me and had an open relationship with me. My 14 year old daughters opinions are valid. Her concerns about her life are real. I think we have a relationship built on mutual repsect and trust. And I know she is wise and able to make smart decisions. I hear some of her friends talk and it saddens me. They are all mostly homeschoolers and a lot of them wish they had the opportunity to go to school. Their parents will never let them. Even as teens, they are not allowed to make any decisions regarding their own lives. Then there's the other camp of kids who dread even running into "public" school kids, lest they somehow become contaminated with their "worldliness". These kids parents have them paranoid about anyone who is not doing things just like them. One girl was talking about going to Community College next year. She said she visited and was "frightened" by the people there. You know, those "real world" people we all have to encounter everyday! Geez! Her parents have done her no favors.

I'm not trying to sing my own praises and act like I am mom of the year. But I do think my kids like me, and they often tell me I am a way better mom than any of their friends. I never would have said that about my own mom. I just want my girls to grow up confident in themselves and their abilities. To be able to go into the world and view it with wonder not fear. Of course not everyone "out there" is like us, and how boring it would be if they all were.

"A human being is a part of the whole that we call the universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest -- a kind of optical illusion of his consciousness. This illusion is a prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for only the few people nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living beings and all of nature."
~Albert Einstein~

Helping Our Kids

My oldest daughter had a martial arts class tonight. She has it every Tuesday and Thursday from 7-8pm. It's only about 10 mins away, so not a huge deal. I asked my dear husband to take her tonight. At about 4 mins till 7:00 he calls, telling me dear daughter forgot her belt. Belts are important in martial arts, it lets everyone else know what your rank is, as this is a mixed rank class. So, I grab the belt and hop in the car and make it to the class by 7:03. Dear hubby was standing outside ready to grab the belt and run inside. Hopefully the class started a little late and she didn't have to do any push ups. They have to do push ups occasionally for minor infractions. It builds character, or so they say. But I digress.......

So while I was driving home, after dropping the belt with dear hubby, I started thinking about how my parents never would have done that for me. They would have said too bad, so sad, you forgot the belt, you deal with the consequences. It actually never would have crossed my mind to even call my parents to ask. I knew the answer would always be no, so why call? My parents very rarely drove me anywhere as it was. Luckily I had an older sister and brother and friends willing to drive me places.

Some people say you shouldn't bring things to kids who forgot them. I know people who have let their kids skip lunch rather than bring it to their school. Moms who have let their children get detention rather than bring an important book or paper they have forgotten. I know people who know their kids have forgotten stuff when they are leaving the house, and let them forget the stuff anyway to teach them a lesson. What kind of lesson is that? That you are a mean mom?

What's wrong with helping out our kids?

I have brought my eldest daughter things she forgot for sleepovers more than once. One time I brought a teddy bear to her at 11:00 at night. It was 20 mins away, so 40 mins round trip for me. She was 10 or 11 (can't remember) and I knew she couldn't sleep without her teddy. This same daughter has forgotten games she wanted to bring to game night at the library, and when she was younger and in Montessori school, she occasionally forgot gym shoes for gym or some other pertinent item she needed that day. I ALWAYS have taken the item to my daughter. Youngest daughter seems to have a bit of a better memory. She likes to be prepared so she thinks ahead before leaving the house, or she remembers soon after leaving the house so I just need to turn around and go back home for a second. But on the rare occasion she forgets something, I will go home and get it for her.

I still forget stuff all the time. I very rarely leave the house and leave for good. I would say 9 times out of 10 I come back in because I forgot something. My kids laugh, because they just expect me to come back in now. Did my parents never bringing me my stuff teach me not to be forgetful? No, of course not. That is a punishment, not a lesson. How did some parenting "experts" decide that not helping out our kids is helping them?

Forgetfulness to me is a personality trait. Sure there are tricks to help people remember. Lists and notes and things. It is not a big issue here because we don't have to get out of the house for school everyday, with backpacks and a million other little things the schools require kids to have everyday. If we did maybe we would try lists and notes and things. But if either daughter still forgot stuff, I would still be ready to bring them what they needed, no questions asked.

It all goes back to that respectful living thing. If I have the ability and the time, and because I love my children, why wouldn't I help them whenever possible? It would never even have occurred to me tonight to say no, I will not bring your belt. I just grabbed it and ran out the door, doing my best to get there before the class started. Isn't that what being a mom is all about?

Daughters

I have two daughters. (Disclaimer: I do have a step-daughter, but I am only 14 years older than her, and I was only 23 when we met (and she was 9), so I never really felt like a mother toward her. More like a big sister. Plus she spent most of her time at her mom's. She's 25 now, and out on her own.)

So, back to my birth daughters. Currently they are 13 and 11. I really like my daughters. I love them, as I believe most parents do, but I also really like them. I like to be with them. I like to do things with them. I like to hang out with them. This is a big part of why I have them home instead of locked up in some institution all day with people who will not care about them anywhere near as much as I do.

When my eldest was born, I remember not wanting to let her go. I didn't want anyone to hold her, I only wanted to hold her. She had been in my body for 9 months, shouldn't I have been allowed a little weaning time? I got a lot of grief from people when I wouldn't want to let them hold my daughter. I learned with my second. I wore her in a sling.....all the time. When people would ask to hold her I would say "Sorry, she's all comfy in her sling, maybe later". I had a bassinet given to me by a friend for my eldest. I tried to put her in the bassinet the first few nights home. I couldn't sleep. Even though she was in the room with me, I couldn't stop checking on her. I finally decided to bring her to bed. I had never read a book on Attachment Parenting or co-sleeping, but that was what I was doing. I trusted my gut, my instincts. I knew perfectly well what my daughters needed. It was only after I found out I was pregnant with my second when I got some books on AP and co-sleeping. I wasn't part of the lunatic fringe as so many thought, lots of people do this. Hooray! I felt proud of myself for following my heart and not what other people said.

I nursed both of my children. My first unfortunately only 4 1/2 months because I had to have major back surgery. But I let my youngest self wean. Oh imagine the grief I got for that. "When are you going to stop nursing her?" "Will you still be nursing her when she goes to Kindergarten?", etc., etc. I never had anyone in public ever say anything to me, but I did get some stares. Especially when she was around two and wanted to nurse by straddling me upright and lift my shirt for the world to see. And of course when she could talk and would ask for "Boo"! She did finally stop at 3 1/2 years, and it was all of her own accord. I also never pushed my children out my bed before they were ready. And much to many other's disbelief, they both did finally decide on a time when they were ready.

Here are my girls when they were little:

Even though I had been Attachment Parenting, I really hadn't considered homeschooling. I was surrounded by people who had their kids in pre-school, so that seemed like the right thing at the time. I did end up at a Montessori, which I believe wasn't as bad as if I had put them in regular pre-school. I did miss them though. So I started working at the school. I could peek in the little window at them whenever I wanted.

After their early years in Montessori, we started homeschooling. As I said in an earlier post it took us a while to get into unschooling. But even before then I often would just say "Let's go do something fun or adventurous". We have a beach in town and a wonderful park. The park has a playground as well as hiking trails and a pond with a bridge. My girls loved to go to the park. When they were younger mostly to play on the playground and feed the ducks at the pond. Now my youngest likes to go on hikes with me. We recently went on a short hike to a pine forest area in the park and ate lunch. It was lovely to be out with my daughter. We hiked and talked and ate our lunch, then she wanted to walk around the pond. It made me realize how quickly these girls of mine are growing up. My oldest doesn't care to do that kind of stuff anymore. She is more than happy to have me sit beside her on the computer and watch her play some games. Or to go into the basement and watch her do DDR (Dance Dance revolution). She also likes it when I lay on her bed at night and play with her cat. (He's always on her bed). That's when I can really get her to open up and talk to me.

I try to practice respectful living with my girls. I don't want to be a home dictator, and everything I say doesn't necessarily go. They are allowed to voice their opinions, they are allowed to disagree. I am always willing to discuss something with them, even something I want them to do. And I often change my mind, or let them change my mind. We are all just people here, trying to live harmoniously together. I am not them, and they are not me. Why should I force them to be like me? Just because I can't stand some of their music or TV shows doesn't mean I don't have to allow them to watch them. I don't have to watch them, but they can. I may not like everything they choose to wear, but it's them wearing it, not me.

I know so many parents that dictate every hour of their children's lives. What time they need to wake up (this is homeschoolers I am talking about, not people that necessarily have to be somewhere), what time they will eat breakfast, (whether they are hungry or not), I know one mom who even schedules bathroom breaks into her "homeschooling" day. How is that respectful of your child's needs? If they are not even allowed when to decide they need to use the bathroom? I feel eating is the same way. I grew up in a home with a mother who had some serious food issues. I have spent most of my life battling the bad things I learned from her. I was determined not to let the pattern repeat with my girls. Who decided people need to sit down and have breakfast at 8am, lunch at noon and dinner at 6pm? Why is it not ok for people to just eat when they are hungry? Isn't that listening to ones body? Isn't that a healthier way to live than someone else telling you when you must be hungry and must eat, which then forces you to suppress your own hunger urges so you never learn to feel them? I try my best to let my girls follow the feelings of their own bodies. When they are hungry they eat, when they are thirsty they drink and when they need to use the bathroom they go. Isn't it unbelievable some people don't allow these little liberties to their children?

I think my girls are growing into fabulous young women. I am not waiting for them to "become" something. They are already wonderful today, the way they are. So many people "raise" (what are they vegetables : ) their children for the outcome. "I want them to go to college, or be this or be that". Why not just enjoy each moment. Each stage of their life. Looking to the future is good sometimes, but if you live constantly in the future wondering or worrying about what will be, you are missing the present. The wonderful memories that can be created right now.

I look forward to just continuing on this path with my girls. We love the summer and the beach and going to the pool and that is what we looking forward to the most in the next few months. We take things day by day. What I appreciate the most is that they want to do this stuff with ME! And I really like doing with it them. Like I said, I really like my girls, and I love them too.

Here's what they look like now: Carley, 13

Catherine, 11

A daughter is a miracle that never ceases to be miraculous...full of beauty and forever beautiful...loving and caring and truly amazing.

- Deanna Beisser-