Stop Being Mean to Your Kids!!!!!!!

“Feelings are real and legitimate; children behave and misbehave for a reason, even if adults cannot figure it out.”

So I was in Kohl's last week.  Casually browsing through the men's Hawaiian shirts, trying to find the perfect shirt for Father's Day.  It was early, 10:30 am, and the store was not yet crowded, so I was alone in the menswear dept.  And then I heard it, a small child, crying/whining "But I'm tired!"  And then I heard the mom say in her meanest voice ever "THERE ARE NO CARTS WITH SEATS! YOU HAVE TO WALK!!!!!!!". 

The voices got louder, I knew they were heading my way, but still could not see this little family amongst all the racks of clothing.  The girl kept crying "Mama, I'm tired!"  The mom kept bitching "You are 3 years old!  You have legs and can WALK!"  

Finally they walked past where I was perusing my shirts.  All single file.  First the mom, mid 30's probably, looking very stern.  Then the 3 year old, just a tiny thing, all hunched over, dragging her feet, rubbing her eyes.  Crying.  Then a third person, another girl, probably 7 or 8, walking along not saying a peep, just looking sad. 

I wanted to pick up the 3 year old and give her a little squeeze and tell her "I know you are tired, I'm sorry your mom dragged you to this store".  But I just kept looking at my shirts, and cringing every time this mom yelled at her 3 year old for being tired.  I wanted to tell this mom that her time with her 3 year old will be over in a flash, and that her daughter was the most precious thing right now, not shopping, and that she should pick her up and give her a squeeze, and then maybe she'd more happily walk along.  Or if she was really tired (I know my toddlers often woke up at 5-6am!), how hard would it be to carry her along, this was a tiny 3 year old, not a big hulking one. 

But I said nothing.  I don't think if I had it would have been well received.  The older girl seemed sad, either the mom had been bitching at her kids all morning, or she just wasn't an overall nice mom.  Seems the older daughter had already learned the drill, keep your emotions hidden, don't voice your concerns.  Just follow along and tow the line.  Sad really.

I see this too often.  Parent's dragging their kids here and there, the kids are tired, the parent's are yelling at them.  Why does a child deserve to be yelled at for being tired and sharing their feelings?  This is why kids shut down and learn not to feel.  They have been raised by people who don't honor them, or their feelings or care about what they think.  This is why people eat too much and smoke and drink and do drugs and shop, etc.  They were taught to shut off their emotions as kids, to stay out of trouble or to avoid being yelled at.  If you have lost touch with your emotions, you don't know who you are or what you are feeling.  If you don't know those things, you look for outside things to make you feel better. 

I'm no shrink, but I have been there.  I was often told as a child what to feel.  If I cried I was told not to cry.  If I was slapped and cried I was told it didn't hurt.  If something happened I was told it wasn't as bad as I was making it out to be. 

No one knows what someone else is feeling and no one else has the right to tell someone else how to feel.  EVER!  

Even a 3 year old knows what they feel.  Until someone bigger and stronger tells them, over and over, that they aren't feeling what they think they are.  Then they begin to question themselves, until they no longer feel. 

Wake up parents!  

"Feelings are everywhere - be gentle."

Daughters

Ah, to be the mother of daughters.

My youngest took her first official step toward womanhood Thursday. And she is not happy about it. Suffice it to say, life has not been real pleasant in our house the last few days, LOL.

By some weird coincidence, actually my two daughters and I all ended up in the same predicament as of this past Thursday. Estrogen is flowing rapidly around here. I don't think I would want to be the only woman in a house containing 3 men full of Testosterone, so I can only imagine how my hubby feels living the reverse.

I was sitting around with my daughters late Thursday night and we were talking hormones and all those fun things women go through. I was explaining to my youngest how Estrogen is the female hormone. So my oldest chimes in with an oldie but a goodie: "If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? Testicles!" LOL

Youngest daughter didn't get the joke, so I had to explain to her what testicles were. So of course then we started talking about boy anatomy. At this point dear husband comes up from the basement to go to bed (my daughters and I have the best conversations late at night before bed). Before he comes through the room, he says "Stop talking, I don't want to hear you, just let me go through and go to bed!". This made the girls laugh. Dad wanted nothing to with our conversation. So I yelled at him as he went past, "But we are talking about boy parts, your parts, you should join us!" I don't think so.

So, my babies are no longer babies. No matter how much we may resist, life moves forward. Youngest dear daughter has been resisting growing up since her body started changing. She is completely overwhelmed at the latest, biggest change. I only hope that time will bring her peace and acceptance with what her body can do. Women's bodies really are amazing. I would go through all the pain and aggravation of being a women 100 times over again, knowing it enabled me to give birth to the two beautiful daughters I have. 26 years of periods helped to bring two wonderful lives into the world. And hopefully someday it will enable my daughters to bring some wonderful lives into the world.

Of course, since my birthing days are over, I wouldn't really mind completely passing the torch to the younger generation and moving past this stage in my life. 26 years is long enough for me, thank you : )

Without accepting the fact that everything changes, we cannot find perfect composure. But unfortunately, although it is true, it is difficult for us to accept it. Because we cannot accept the truth of transience, we suffer.

~Shunryu Suzuki~

Helping Our Kids

My oldest daughter had a martial arts class tonight. She has it every Tuesday and Thursday from 7-8pm. It's only about 10 mins away, so not a huge deal. I asked my dear husband to take her tonight. At about 4 mins till 7:00 he calls, telling me dear daughter forgot her belt. Belts are important in martial arts, it lets everyone else know what your rank is, as this is a mixed rank class. So, I grab the belt and hop in the car and make it to the class by 7:03. Dear hubby was standing outside ready to grab the belt and run inside. Hopefully the class started a little late and she didn't have to do any push ups. They have to do push ups occasionally for minor infractions. It builds character, or so they say. But I digress.......

So while I was driving home, after dropping the belt with dear hubby, I started thinking about how my parents never would have done that for me. They would have said too bad, so sad, you forgot the belt, you deal with the consequences. It actually never would have crossed my mind to even call my parents to ask. I knew the answer would always be no, so why call? My parents very rarely drove me anywhere as it was. Luckily I had an older sister and brother and friends willing to drive me places.

Some people say you shouldn't bring things to kids who forgot them. I know people who have let their kids skip lunch rather than bring it to their school. Moms who have let their children get detention rather than bring an important book or paper they have forgotten. I know people who know their kids have forgotten stuff when they are leaving the house, and let them forget the stuff anyway to teach them a lesson. What kind of lesson is that? That you are a mean mom?

What's wrong with helping out our kids?

I have brought my eldest daughter things she forgot for sleepovers more than once. One time I brought a teddy bear to her at 11:00 at night. It was 20 mins away, so 40 mins round trip for me. She was 10 or 11 (can't remember) and I knew she couldn't sleep without her teddy. This same daughter has forgotten games she wanted to bring to game night at the library, and when she was younger and in Montessori school, she occasionally forgot gym shoes for gym or some other pertinent item she needed that day. I ALWAYS have taken the item to my daughter. Youngest daughter seems to have a bit of a better memory. She likes to be prepared so she thinks ahead before leaving the house, or she remembers soon after leaving the house so I just need to turn around and go back home for a second. But on the rare occasion she forgets something, I will go home and get it for her.

I still forget stuff all the time. I very rarely leave the house and leave for good. I would say 9 times out of 10 I come back in because I forgot something. My kids laugh, because they just expect me to come back in now. Did my parents never bringing me my stuff teach me not to be forgetful? No, of course not. That is a punishment, not a lesson. How did some parenting "experts" decide that not helping out our kids is helping them?

Forgetfulness to me is a personality trait. Sure there are tricks to help people remember. Lists and notes and things. It is not a big issue here because we don't have to get out of the house for school everyday, with backpacks and a million other little things the schools require kids to have everyday. If we did maybe we would try lists and notes and things. But if either daughter still forgot stuff, I would still be ready to bring them what they needed, no questions asked.

It all goes back to that respectful living thing. If I have the ability and the time, and because I love my children, why wouldn't I help them whenever possible? It would never even have occurred to me tonight to say no, I will not bring your belt. I just grabbed it and ran out the door, doing my best to get there before the class started. Isn't that what being a mom is all about?

Mothering circa 1938

So while I was at the antique shop with my daughter last week I stumbled upon some old pamphlets. I found two that I just couldn't resist buying. One was written by a doctor in Wisconsin, and mostly concerned mothers postpartum care. The other was written by a doctor in London, and mostly concerned the baby. Both were dated 1938.

The first pamphlet, by the doc in Wisc. is just entitled "Postpartum Instructions." Some of the information was just common sense. I have pulled out the things that made me laugh or gasp! (I put my comments in italics : )

"Now that your baby has been born, you need and deserve a good rest. You may turn onto your stomach 24 hours after delivery and should do so at least 15 mins everyday. (do you think that was to help flatten her stomach?) You may use a backrest for meals by the 3rd day and you may sit in a chair on the tenth." ( You may sit in a chair on the tenth day? How many days did these women stay in the hospital?)

Here's what it says about going home:

3rd week: "Stay in your nightclothes and remain on one floor and be in bed at least half the day. You may get up for meals if you like." (Quite the life of leisure. Did these women have household help?)

4th week: "You may now go to the lower floor, but not more than twice per day." (Have they gone stir crazy yet?)

5th and 6th week: "You may go out and get fresh air and take short walks, but do not drive in a car. Your first drive should be to my office at the end of the 6th week." (It doesn't say do not drive A car, it says do not drive IN a car. Are we to assume women weren't supposed to drive at all?)

"You may take a shower anytime after the twelfth day and a tub bath when your discharges have ceased to be bloody." (TMI! No shower for 12 days?)

I've got to tell you , this first booklet was cracking my daughter and I up at the antique store.

Here's more concerning caring for the baby......didn't find this info quite as funny:

"Now on to care of the baby: "Keep to your schedule-Do not decrease the interval between feedings and do not feed for more than 20 mins. Do not handle your baby anymore than is necessary or let others do so. A baby must cry some and if you pick him up to stop him a habit that may take months to break will be quickly started. Turn the baby occasionally, but avoid picking him up too often. The less the baby is handled and stimulated, the better he will sleep, eat and grow. " (I feel sorry for those babies.)

Now onto the next booklet written by the female doctor in London. It appears there was a series of these pamphlets given out for each month of a child's development. I could only find the one concerning the babies fifth month. I can only imagine what the other pamphlets had to say.

This booklet was entitled "Baby Care, A helpful guide for mothers on the care of Infants, Fifth Month."

The book covers the basics. A lot is very similar to things we do today. I will touch on the things that made me open my mouth and go "wow".

Here is the schedule the booklet says the mother and baby should be following:

6am: Baby's feed. Change him and put him back to bed.

8am: Baby's orange juice. Sun bath for half an hour, if summertime. Mothers breakfast.

9:30am: Wash the baby's face, hands and buttocks and dress him for the day. Baby's Cod Liver Oil.

10am: Cereal feeding. He should then be put outdoors, given his half hour sunbath (unless he had it earlier) and then left in his carriage. Mother may find it convenient to take him for a short walk in the morning.

12noon: Mothers lunch. Offer the baby some water.

1pm: Mothers rest.

2pm: Baby's feed, breast or bottle. Change him and put him outdoors again. During the afternoon he should have another 1/2 hour sunbath.

4pm: Offer the baby some water.

5pm: Undress the baby, leaving on his diaper, and leave him lying on the bed for his daily exercise.

5:30pm: Baby's bath.

6pm: Baby's feed. This may be breast or bottle, or towards the end of the 5th month, a second feed of cereal.

6:30pm: Mothers dinner.

10pm: Change and feed baby, breast or bottle. He should now sleep all night, and if he wakes up, should be only offered water.

Here is some additional info regarding the schedule:

"Baby should be receiving 1 teaspoonful of cod liver oil once or twice a day depending on how much fresh air and sunshine the baby is receiving."

"Cereal should be thinned with milk so that it can be given in the bottle."

On weaning: "If the mother keeps well, there is no reason she should not continue nursing up till the 10th month. Nursing beyond the 10th month is unnecessary and may even be harmful as by that time the natural nursing period has passed and the milk loses it's nutritive value."

And this next part cracked me up:

"Taking baby to the seaside: When the family spends a vacation at the seaside, the mother should avoid taking the baby to the beach. Small babies, bare heads bald and wobbly, bright pink under a scorching sun, eyes screwed tight against the glare of the sand, fretting against flies, grit and heat, must be miserable at the beach. Even when the baby is placed in a bassinette, which is shaded by an umbrella, and covered with mosquito netting, there are still many objections to his being on the beach. He is in the midst of and surrounded by far too many people; he may even be jostled by them, sneezed over, coughed over by them, splashed with salty water dripping off their bodies, sprinkled by sand flung up in their games. He is exposed to too much heat, too much light, and too many germs. No, the beach is no place for the baby."

It must've been hard to be a mother 70 years ago. There were so many rules. How about one rule....ok, maybe two: Love your baby and follow your gut. The stuff about not picking the baby up makes me so sad. The schedule for feeding makes me sad. I can't believe those mothers didn't really want to pick their babies up. I wonder how many actually followed these booklets?

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new.

~Rajneesh~