Old Age and Death and Dying

Ready for an uplifting post?  Then don't read this one ; )

"A test of a people is how it behaves toward the old.  It is easy to love children.  Even tyrants and dictators make a point of being fond of children.  But the affection and care for the old, the incurable, the helpless are the true gold mines of a culture." 

~Abraham J. Heschel~

We've been dealing with some aging parent issues around my home. My mother-in-law will be 91 next month, and my father-in-law just turned 87.  My father in law has been having some dementia issues for a few years now, moodiness, anger issues, confusion. He's been in and out of hospital's and nursing homes, and it seems like it may finally be time for him to permanently leave his home. 

I have dealt with this before. Three of my grandparents ended up in nursing homes before they died. My maternal grandmother, (Nanny) had breast cancer that metastasized to her bones. She got to the point where she just couldn't be cared for in her home anymore. She went down hill pretty quickly after being moved into the nursing home. I suppose you lose your will to live a lot quicker when you realize you no longer have anything to live for. She was trapped in a bed, away from her family. We visited her, but how often can you really spend at the nursing home when you have a job and your own life to live? (and being 21, I felt my life was very important).  My mom was an only child and had big issues with her mom. My parents were on vacation in Florida when my grandmother died and my mom refused to come home. She said the service could wait until after her vacation. So my sister and I made all the arrangements. I had just turned 22 four days after her death, and my sister was 26. We arranged for her cremation, and arranged a service with the cemetery and the priest. Thankfully my grandmother already had a burial spot bought and paid for. But we still had to wait two weeks to have her service, because that is when my parents would be home.  Nanny died February 15, 1990.

My grandmother left behind her husband Harry, my step-grandfather, but really the only grandfather I had ever known. He fared pretty well for awhile, but then he too needed to go into a nursing home because he just couldn't live on his own anymore. My mom certainly wasn't going to move him in with her, she already had my paternal grandfather, Pa, living with her and my dad.  He had moved in when I was a sophomore in high school.  

In 1991, a year after my grandmother died, my parents moved from IL to TN. My mother decided she was not going to take my grandfathers with her, so they were both left behind, in IL, in nursing homes.  And then my mom pretty much never looked back. My dad was complicit in this too, he was just usually in the background of everything my mom did, which is why I keep putting this on her.

So it fell upon my sister and I to visit our grandfathers and make sure they had the things they needed. I tried to get out to see them weekly. The nursing home was about 1/2 an hour from me, but it was over an hour for my sister. It was rough going to the home every week. I was in my early twenties, when it seems you are the most alive. And every week I had to go and sit with those on deaths door. Pa was never overly happy to see us. I sensed he realized it was out of a sense of duty, not that we really wanted to be there. He was a pretty angry man, had a rough life and carried that with him.  I can't recall him ever being really happy.  But my sister and I would go anyway, we would sit with him and watch TV, or while he ate his lunch. Make sure he was being treated well, and then we'd leave. It was always so depressing. A lot of the people there never had anyone visit. They were just left there. My sister and I would talk to some of these other residents if we were in the community room. They seemed to appreciate having someone other than nurses aides to talk with.

A few times Pa needed to go to the hospital for a feeding tube because he started having trouble eating. The nursing home would transport him there and then call my sister to let her know. ( She being the oldest was the one left in charge).  They were never able to keep the tube in him, he always managed to pull it out. He had a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) on his chart, but a feeding tube isn't the same as not resuscitating. My mother also had a signed living will from Pa, and she had his medical power of attorney, so eventually she decided to just stop all means of nourishment. She was still in TN by the way, calling the shots. So even though my sister and I were there, actually caring for him, my mom got to have the final say in how he should die. 

Harry (my maternal step-grandfather) managed to hang on until 1995. He lived in that nursing home for 4 years. The first few years he did pretty well. He had a TV, he could watch the baseball games. He was asked to be on a major league team right after high school, but his father wouldn't let him go.  Harry never had any kids of his own, his only other relatives were his sister who was older than him and still lived back east. My Nanny was Harry's life. When my parents were transferred to IL with my dads job, Nanny and Harry moved out a year later. So our family was all Harry had. But Harry wasn't my moms real dad, and she didn't particularly care about him once she moved to TN. Harry had done a lot for me growing up. I was only 10 years old when Nanny and Harry moved to IL. He drove me places, I used to hang out at their apartment, and he taught me to drive. So I felt I owed it to Harry to visit him as much as I could. He died 3 weeks after my eldest daughter was born in 1995. My parents came back to IL and we had a small service for him at the cemetery and a small luncheon afterwards. All of that was at the insistence of my sister and I. Harry had a burial plot next to my grandmother (they both wanted to be cremated) and if it had been up to my mom, we would have just passed his ashes off to the cemetery and had him buried. But I remember that service and the luncheon. And I am glad we paid him the respect he deserved. My mom had a marker placed on her mothers grave after she died, but she never got one for Harry. She kept telling me she didn't have the money. In 1997 I received a settlement for a back injury. One of the first things I spent money on was a marker for Harry's grave.

So why I am writing all this down? Well, for one, grandchildren shouldn't have to deal with taking care of their grandparents when able bodied children are alive. My parents both completely shirked their duties as children. I realize both had crappy childhoods and had serious issues with their parents.  But they were never not on speaking terms with them, we always had them in our lives.  You just don't abandon your parents in the end.  It was really stressful for my sister and I to have to make sure our grandfathers were taken care of. We were just starting our own lives, by the time Harry died we both had small children.  It was a heavy burden. I don't regret all that we did , but I still think the responsibility should have been on my parents.

Back when all this was going on I often thought how it would be for my parents. Would I have to put them in a nursing home and watch them deteriorate too? As fate would have it, my dad died at 56 of pancreatic cancer and my mom would die 6 years later of internal bleeding at 62. Has it spared me the pain my husband now has to go through? I don't know. Death is death no matter when it happens. I was devastated when my mom died, it was quick and unexpected. I had 6 months from diagnosis to death with my dad. A little time to prepare and say goodbye, but it was still very, very hard. But my parents will be forever young in my memory. I didn't have to watch them lose their faculties and their minds. I didn't have to worry about the care they might be receiving by others in a home. Death is death, whether young or old and it is painful for children to watch their parents die.

I have a fear of death. I know I shouldn't as a Christian, but I do. So I want to live as long as possible. And I kind of hope my mind has gone when I go, so I am not aware of my death. But I certainly do not want to put the burden of my elderly care on my daughters. So it is a dilemma. Obviously I really have no say when I die. But if I had to choose early death to spare my children the pain of my care, or living to a ripe old age to hang on as long as possible, I choose the ripe old age. I just don't want to die, ever (yes, denial!)  I hope to make sure my old age needs are taken care of before I get there (if I get there) so that those decisions don't have to be made by my daughters. I'll also make sure they know that they don't have to come and sit by my bedside and entertain me. I'll have lived my life, and they should be living theirs. Not worrying about old mom in the home.

Life sucks and then you die.  Or your parents die, or are dying, or are losing their minds.  None of us expect or want this in our lives.  But it will come for all of us eventually.  C'est la Vie.  

“Parents, however old they and we may grow to be, serve among other things to shield us from a sense of our doom. As long as they are around, we can avoid the fact of our mortality; we can still be innocent children.” 

~Jane Howard~

Sunshine

I love John Denver.  There, I said it.  I also like Barry Manilow and the Carpenters! It's not an aging thing, I've liked all kinds of music for most of my life.  I get the John Denver, Barry Manilow gene from my mom, I get a country gene from my dad (who knew a guy born and raised in NYC of Irish descent would be such a Country music fan?) and I probably get my love of hard rock and metal from my older brother who introduced me to it at a very young age. 

But on a day like today, in which the sun is shining, the sky is blue and there is just the slightest breeze, only one voice can evoke in me a feeling of what it means to be alive on such a perfect day, and that man is John Denver. 

Enjoy! 

Sister Wives vs. Duggars

I hate to admit it, but I have a fascination with some weirdly religious reality shows.  While I can't stand the likes of Jersey Shore or any of those "Housewives", give me the weirdly religious and I am all over it. 

Sister Wives, if you haven't seen it, is about, well Sister Wives.  Four women married to one man. One man with four wives.  Plural marriage.  At first I was sure I would hate this show, I watched the first episode only out of morbid curiosity.  How could those women possibly share their man?  Sloppy seconds anyone, ewww!  

But after watching a few times, (it's kind of like a train wreck, hard to look away), I've actually come to like them.  And the most surprising development.....I no longer judge them. I had expected them to be overly religious, for the wives to be brain-washed, for the children to be controlled , etc, etc.  I was pleasantly surprised that none of that seems to be the case.  The wives all knew what they were getting into and chose this lifestyle for themselves.  The children, while not choosing this lifestyle but being born into it, certainly are free to speak their minds and have the freedom and ability to leave this lifestyle behind, should they choose to, as adults.  And they are surprisingly normal kids.  They dress normally, have cell phones, watch TV, and are, wow, just like normal kids.  Not like those cult polygamists, with their long dresses and weird hair, as seen on TV, being raided in Texas a few years back. They weren't like those people at all. 

 

Now I realize comparing the Duggar's and the Sister Wives is kind of like comparing apples to oranges, but since both claim to do what they do out of a religious conviction, I think the comparison is fair.  Plus they both chose to have reality shows, so they are fair game. 

The Duggar's TV show is called "19 Kids and Counting".  I think it was originally called "16 Kids and Counting", but that was 3 kids ago.......keep up! 

I have written about the Duggar's on several other occasions, here and here. 

If you have been living in a cave, the Duggar's show is about a conservative Christian family that believes one should continue to spawn until the woman's uterus falls out.  OK, to be fair, that was my description, not theirs.  I guess they would consider themselves, Quiverfull. (click on it if you don't know what it means). 

Jim Bob and Michelle  Duggar share their home with 18 of their 19 children.  Oldest Josh has married and just had baby #2 with wife Anna.  He was well prepared to move on and start his own quiverfull brood.  

My problem with the Duggar's is that the kids in this family are given no voice, and the actions of the parents do indeed affect the children.  In the Duggar family the older children are expected to help with the younger.  Jim Bob and Michelle just keep spittin' em out, and the older girls will just pick up the slack.  One Mother cannot mother 19 children.  So if she didn't employ these older children to help, (and not just with childcare, with cooking and cleaning and homeschooling, etc, ad nauseum) it just wouldn't get done.   The girls particularly in the Duggar home are at such a disadvantage.  They are being raised under Patriarchy, they cannot wear pants, or swimsuits, or think for themselves.  They will never have a career.  They are being raised to be breeders, because that's all they know.  If you read any of my older Duggar posts, you will learn all you need to know about why the Duggar lifestyle is not good for girls. 

So that bring me back to my comparison.  Two religious families, both living outside of what most of us consider "normal".  (I live outside of "normal" most of the time too, so that is not a judgment).  

Before I began watching either show, I presumed I would have disdain for both of them.  I planned to watch and judge and wonder "How can they live that way".  But now, I don't have judgment or disdain for either.  I am amazed at how accepting I feel of the Sister Wives.  It is their life, they are hurting no one, live and let live.  It certainly isn't a life for me (although at times the thought of another woman sharing my home and being here to pass off the dinner making or laundry pile is appealing.  But sorry, no husband sharing, that still brings out an "ewww" in me).  While I don't judge the Duggar's either, I do feel sadness for them.  Particularly the daughters.  They just won't ever get to appreciate all that life has to offer them.  Their roles have been decided for them since birth.  And none of them will ever get to fully understand what it means to have an attentive parent.  Two parents just cannot give to 19 children what they might have been able to give to 3 or 4.  If Jim Bob were to bring in a few more wives, maybe those daughters could get a break and those kids could get a little more mothering.  

Maybe it's time for a crossover episode.  Better put my call into TLC.  

"You have your way.  I have my way.  As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist."  

~Friedrich Nietzsche~

Perfect Childhood?

Is there such a thing as a "perfect childhood"?  Is it possible to raise children who don't look back as adults and wish they had been raised differently?  I don't think so.  

Maybe some think their childhood was ok, maybe some think it was great, but I have never known an adult who didn't wish maybe something was different growing up.  Maybe it's in our wiring to never be completely happy, maybe we are always looking for something better, but whatever it is, I think striving to give our kids the "perfect childhood" with the hope that they will look back with stars in their eyes and nothing but wonderment is a waste of time. 

Now don't get me wrong, I don't think we as parents should slack off and not care about how we raise our children.  I still think we should love them like crazy and do our best, but I do think some of us need to surrender the idea that our kids might not hate us when they grow up (if they don't already hate us now!)  Of course I don't mean hate in that they'll kill us while we sleep, I mean hate as in they wish we had done things differently. 

I know many will disagree with me, and a few years ago I would have disagreed with myself.  I thought, a few years back, that I was doing such a bang up job that there was no way I was going to turn out kids who had nothing bad to say about their upbringing, hahahahaha.  I was so delusional then! 

When I became a mom I looked back on my childhood before I decided how I wanted to raise my children.  Of course I wanted to raise my girls completely opposite of how I was raised, because I thought my childhood sucked.  Overall I think I had a crappier than normal childhood.  My parents were pretty dysfunctional, selfish, and didn't really seem to like having kids.  As I have gotten older, had kids of my own, spoken with other adults about their childhood, I have come to realize my parents did close to the best they could for the time.  (Notice I said "close", because I do think if they had actually put a little thought into the job, they could have done better).  Both of my parents' came from childhoods way worse than mine, so if anything, they did do better in that mine was better than theirs.  Plus, 40+ years ago, parents didn't really analyze their parenting like we do now.  They didn't put thought into it, they just did it.   

So with that as my background, I put a lot of thought into my parenting.  Everything I have done in regards to raising my girls was thought out beforehand.  I chose to attachment parent and co-sleep, I chose Montessori, I chose homeschooling and then unschooling.  And I chose religion.  Each one of those things was mulled over very carefully before proceeding.  I read a lot of books, I sought out what I thought was sage advice, and I tried to make decisions that I thought would be the best in the long term.  

And yet, now I have teens who look back on their childhoods and wonder "why"?  Why did I make them go to "that church", why didn't I let them go to school, why this, why that?  They aren't happy with a lot of the decisions I made, and looking back, I am not happy with a lot of the decisions I made.  

But what I have come to realize is that being a parent doesn't make us a god.  I was learning right along with my girls.  I had to learn to be a mom, I had to learn who these little beings were.  I could only do for them what I thought was best based on my own experiences.  But I soon learned they weren't little Me's, and what was best for me wasn't necessarily best for them.  And unfortunately a lot of those lessons were learned by trial and error.  I did a lot of things that I thought was good for them, that now in hindsight I realize wasn't. 

I can't change the past.  So I don't mourn it.  Because I know I did the best I knew how.  And I'm not done.  My girls are teens, we're still growing together.  I may be an adult, but I am still growing and learning too.  And I think they forgive me, because I think they know my intentions were pure.  But it still doesn't change the fact that in spite of my intentions, I think my girls still wish things had been different.  And even if they had been different, and I had chosen a completely different path in raising them, maybe they wouldn't have liked that one either.  I can only hope, that in the future, when they have children of their own, they'll realize being a parent isn't such an easy job and maybe they'll realize I did the best I knew how to do.  

"You know, the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children?  Those who've never had any." 

~ Bill Cosby~

Happy New Year!

Yes, I am aware it is January 3rd and I am a little late.  But at least it's still January!

So Thanksgiving whizzed by, as did Christmas.  Time seems to be a blur sometimes, holidays the blurriest of times.  Looking back I realize I really am seeing my life flash before my eyes.  My eldest will 16 next month, my youngest 14.  She'll start high school next fall.  How the heck did all these years get past me?  

One of my resolutions for this year to be more present.  For myself in my own life, for my kids, for my husband.  I need to focus on the now, or I will again end up in some future present wondering how I got there. and forgetting a lot of things that happened along the way because I was just going through the motions. 

I remember when I was back in high school, (way too many years ago), and we used to wonder what it would be like in the year 2000.  "Oh we'll be 32 then", we'd squeal to each other, like that was so old!  When one is 16 it is hard to imagine 32.  But when one is approaching 43, 32 is but a memory.  

I've heard it said many times, by many people, "The older one gets the quicker it goes" and it is true.  I realize my life is probably more than 1/2 over.  Will I reach 86?  Neither of my parents did, only 1 grandparent lived past 80.  

I have decided this will be my quote for the year:

  

“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.” ~Buddha

What do I want to do with the 2nd half of my life?  I have a better idea of who I am now.  I like myself, more now, than I probably ever did.  (Not physically necessarily, but who I am, inside.)  

The thoughts are swirling in my head again.  Another resolution is to get to this blog more often and get these thoughts onto "paper" if for no one but me.  Writing helps me think things through, it helps me remember, and maybe it can bring others wisdom.  Or it can be a legacy to my kids. It will be 3 years in April since I started this blog.  I have recorded some stories from my past, I have ranted about things that I am passionate about about, I have written about things that have hurt me.  I also realize, looking back, that I have changed in the last 3 years.  I think I've mellowed, I think I have become more accepting of myself and others, and hopefully, I think I have become kinder. 

The Traveling Wilbury's put it well in "End of the Line":

"Well it's all right, even if you're old and grey
Well it's all right, you still got something to say
Well it's all right, remember to live and let live
Well it's all right, the best you can do is forgive"

Religion Again?

Yes that title reflects how I feel.  I am so sick of thinking and talking and writing about religion, but now that I have removed myself from "religious" life, I am bombarded daily with the hypocrisy and hate of it all. 

Disclaimer:  I still believe in God, still pretty sure about Jesus, still reading and exploring and praying and deciding.  So I have not become an atheist.

But  oy vey, I am fed up to my eyeballs with do-gooder, self righteous Christians who think their way is the only way.  

I never considered myself to be an overly intellectual person.  I think I am smart, I think I can figure things out, I have a brain and I know how to use it.   But I didn't go to college and get a fancy degree.  Most of the stuff I know, I know because I sought the knowledge.  So it always makes me curious how so many people can fall hook, line and sinker for half the stuff told to them in church.  I can admit, I did fall hook and line for a while.  But I always held a little doubt (sinker) in my head.  Sometimes things felt fishy, sometimes they felt wrong.  Sometimes they didn't make sense.  So I didn't just close my mind and believe.  Well, sometimes I tried to, but I always had the nagging doubt that something didn't add up.  Which I suppose is why in the end it made it easy to leave church. God gave me a brain, and I use it. 

My eldest daughter recently joined a club at school called The Gay-Straight Alliance.  It's purpose is to foster friendship and understanding between gay and straight students.  It is supposed to be a safe place for the gay students to go and feel like they can be themselves.  It is not a club about sex or a place for gay students to sway their straight peers (as many would like to believe).  It's actually just a social club, a place for the kids to hang out together and organize community service events.  Recently the club helped out at the schools showing of The Laramie Project.  It was during a question and answer after the play that the audience was made aware of the fact that the school will not allow the club to advertise itself in school.  Seems the word "gay" is off limits.  So I wrote a letter to the editor of my local paper. (It's the comments to the letter and some other comments heard by people that have set me off.) 

What is it about gay people that brings such hatred out of Christians?  What makes them so afraid?  Do they think it's contagious?  Do they think gay people eat small children and kittens?  Why can't Christians just live out their own lives and let other people live theirs?

Isn't anyone other than me tired of Christians constantly butting into everyone else's lives?  They are not the only people on this planet.  I know they'd like to be, I know they think they have a mandate from God to make sure they are, but newsflash, there are plenty of other people who believe just as strongly in what their God says, or believe they have no God to tell them what to do and don't they deserve to just live their life in peace?  Believe me, there is no one in America who has never heard of God, so since they have all heard the "good news" isn't it time to leave them the hell alone?  

I am all for freedom of religion, I am all for anyone going to whatever church they like and worshiping however they like and living their life and raising their kids in whatever holy way they'd like.  What I am entirely sick of is people trying force other people to live their way of life. 

We are all here for such a really short time.  We all are just muddling through, trying to find our place, our purpose.  No one knows anyone else's story.  No one else EVER has the right to judge another's path, and certainly no one has the right to get into someones face and tell them their path is wrong.  If all the religious zealots were really following their religions, they would know the greatest commandment is to love.  Come on people, let's just love on each other.  

"The day will come when, after harnessing the winds, the tides and gravitation, we shall harness for God the energies of Love.  And on that day, for the second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire." ~ Teilhard de Chardin

Christians and "Christians"

Man is a Religious Animal.  He is the only Religious Animal.  He is the only animal that has the True Religion - several of them.  He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight.  He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother's path to happiness and heaven.  

~Mark Twain~

 

A little background:  I grew up Catholic.  Born, baptised, reconciled, communed, confirmed, Catholic.  Cradle Catholic as many like to call us.  Back then, Catholics didn't read the bible, they didn't do much other than show up for church on Sunday.  So by the time I was 16 or so, I was done with Catholicism and most religion.  I went through the motions when my girls were born, had them baptised Catholic, to save their souls and all that.  But around 1999, I started hanging with "Christians".  

Catholics like to call themselves Christians, but over time I have come to see that there are Christians and there are "Christians" and never the twain shall meet.  They are just two different animals.  I have decided that Christians are the normal, everyday folk, who believe in God, believe in Jesus, go to church on Sunday, but live in and with the rest of the world.  "Christians" on the other hand, are those who go to church as many days during the weeks as possible, go to every church retreat, every church event, and try to mingle with "others" as little as possible.  People outside the church are "scary", threatening, not like them.     

When I started hanging out with "Christians" I got sucked into all things "Christian".  I decided to homeschool my girls to save them from the evil public schoolers (actually, homeschooling become unschooling which became a "good thing" but I digress).  I became obsessed with shielding my children from all the "worldly" things that might harm them.  TV, music, who their friends were all had to be carefully evaluated to make sure it was what God would want for my children.   I even made them skip Halloween for a few years.  Something my children never let me forget. 

In recent years we've been involved in a Christian homeschooling cooperative.   The hypocrisy I have seen there has been amazing.  These people, who profess love in their hearts for all, have really shown themselves to be the most judgmental people I have even known.  I never saw judgment much until I became a "Christian".  It's one thing as a Christian to believe Christianity is the way, quite another to think your own version of "Christianity" is the only way.  Who knew there was so much division just among "Christians"?  It isn't enough to be a believer, one must believe a certain way.  Every denomination seems to think they have the lock on the "truth". They also believe they get to judge how our children dress, how much make-up they wear and whether or not they should be allowed to date or (gasp) have a boyfriend!   

I've grown tired of it.  I've grown tired of trying to see where I fit into the puzzle that is Christianity.  When we as a family were actually going to church, a "Christian" church, we didn't necessarily believe everything being taught.  When we spoke to some other members about this dilemma, we were told that most people don't believe everything taught in a specific church, one was supposed to take the good and discard the bad.  We were told we'd never find a "perfect" church.  HUH?  At the time I didn't think much about that statement, but looking back, I think why go somewhere if you don't agree with what is being taught? 

Since leaving our former church, I have considered going back to the Catholic church.  But I can't.  The patriarchal attitude is more than I can take, and I don't want my girls growing up under patriarchy.  And the more I research other churches, the more I realize I just don't think I will fit in anywhere.  I just have too many disagreements with what they believe, and I don't want to go to a church and have to pick and choose, again, what I believe in. 

Anne Rice, the author, recently announced she was quitting Christianity.  She just can't reconcile what she believes (and she believes in God, Jesus and the Bible) and what the churches teach.  So she's given up on church.  I think I need to give up on church too.  I haven't given up on God, or Jesus.  But I am giving up on church.  There is too much falsehood, too much hypocrisy, too much judgement, too many cliques, too much prying into my life at church.  I have been happier since leaving church, surprisingly enough.  Since I stopped my quest of feeling like I "have" to go to church, that I "have" to be in community, blah, blah, blah, I feel less stressed, more free to be me.  And I think God is ok with it too.  

Not all religion is to be found in the church, any more than all knowledge is found in the classroom.  

~Author Unknown~

Everyday people are straying away from the church and going back to God.  

~Lennie Bruce~

A New Look

 If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies.  

~Author Unknown~

Regular readers, don't be alarmed! You have come to the right blog : ) I decided to change things up a bit.

I am not much of a computer geek. I need specific, easy instructions when I want to do anything on the computer. So my blog has looked the same for the last few years, because I have no skills when it comes to customizing things on the internet.

But recently blogger added some new, easy to make templates for blogs. After a little playing around I decided to go with a calming, water theme. I still consider myself a fiery woman, and believe me, lots of things can get me fired up. But I have decided I need some calm in my life, and nothing calms me like water. I love to stare at water, listen to water and be in water. And since I live in northern IL, and there isn't an ocean anywhere near me, my blog will have to do.
So let me know what you think.  Do you like the changes?  Does it make it easier or harder to read?  I know I have been a bit negligent of my blog lately, but I always have some good thoughts swirling in my head, I just need to schedule the time to get my thoughts down on "paper".  

For whatever we lose (like a you or a me),
It's always our self we find in the sea.
~e.e. cummings

Parenting 101

  A good friend of mine wrote a speech for a class she took while getting her psychology degree (she just graduated with her Bachelor's degree, congrats Jody).  I had lunch with her today to discuss the "joys" of raising teenagers.  She thought I might find her speech enlightening, and has given me permission to share it here, so that I may enlighten others.  (May you all feel enlightened ; )

Parenting 101 

This speech is intended for parents and future parents of all ages.  Those of you who have decided not to have children, you are very wise and should be revered by all.  I suggest complete abstinence from sex for the rest of your lives (don't take any chances.)  

1.  For those of you who are not yet parents - DON'T DO IT!

2.  For parent's of young children - enjoy it while you can.  You have no idea what you're in for (you fools!)

3.  For parents of teenagers - God help you.  You have my sympathies.

4.  For parents of adults - HOW THE HELL DID YOU SURVIVE?

I feel it is my duty to bring to light some common misconceptions about proper parenting (pun intended). 

(1.)  The first 5 years of a child's life are the most critical years in personality development.  If you are an attentive and conscientious parents during this period of time, you will produce well adjusted, happy teenagers.  

TRUTH - It doesn't really matter what you do because all teenagers will have their heads up their asses and will drive you to drink, so you might as well start drinking now and enjoy the ride.  

(2.)  Teach your children responsibility by requiring them to go to school, do their homework and do simple chores around the house.  This will teach them a good work ethic and to be proud of a job well done.  

TRUTH - You are just wasting your time bitching and nagging at them.  They will turn on you like dogs when they are teenagers, and there is nothing on earth you can do to make them do their homework, including pleading, bribery, water torture and beating the crap out of them.  Go have a drink instead.  

(3.)  Give your children something to believe in.  Teach them your faith and bring them to church or temple or whatever you believe in, regularly.  Being part of a religious community gives children a sense of belonging and teaches them good morals and values.  

TRUTH - They won't hear a single word of any sermons at church in all the years you bring them there.   When they are 6 they will think Jesus is Santa Claus.  When they are 10 they will tell the Sunday School teacher, "My mom yells at my dad all the time."  When they are 14 they will get caught smoking in the church parking lot, and when they are 17 they will tell you that God is a figment of your imagination anyway, and you will believe them.  Screw it.  Go out drinking on Saturday nights and stay in bed nursing your hangover on Sunday mornings instead of dragging those unwilling brats to church every frigging week. 

(4.)  Set a good example for your children.  Children learn by observing those around them.  If you want your children to grow up and be responsible citizens, then you must act responsibly.  

TRUTH - Your teenagers don't want to be like you!  They want to be ANYTHING but you!  They will walk through fire to get AWAY from you.   If you want them to be respectful, responsible human beings, then you should do the OPPOSITE!  Go ahead.....be a big loser!  You will be doing your children a favor in the long run.  Here are some suggestions:  

1.  Get arrested

2.  Lose your job

3.  Be promiscuous

4.  Do drugs

5.  Lie.  Chest.  Steal.

6.  And most importantly - drink heavily.

Thank you for listening.  I feel I have performed a great service to society by dispelling these myths and I urge you to do the same, saving thousands of unsuspecting, would-be parents from lives of disillusionment.  

For those with young children:  I am aware of your superior attitude because I used to have it.  I looked with disdain at my neighbor's children running around outside in their underwear and cowboy boots, while their mother sipped a margarita on her back deck.  I was SURE that my children would NEVER act like that.  I WAS WRONG!  Now I'm downing tequila straight from the bottle while my children are running around on college campuses doing God Knows What, wearing God Knows What, only calling home when they need money.  I should have started drinking long ago.   

~Jody Powers

Parenting Teens

“Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.”  

~Anne Frank~

I used to judge parents.  I used to be the one, when my girls were little, who would sit on the park bench while my darling little daughters played, as sweet little girls do, and look at other people's children and marvel at how well behaved my mine were in comparison.  I used to wonder what was wrong with those parents, how come they had such awful kids.  I used to see friends or acquaintances who had messed up teens.  Granted I didn't have teens yet, but oh how I stood in judgment of those parents.  The things they must have done wrong in raising their kids, those terrible teens, rebellious, outcasts, always in trouble. Those terrible parents, they did such an awful job of parenting. 

Now that I have teens:  Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!  The joke is now on me! 

I have now repented of my past thoughts.  Oh how easy it is to stand in judgment until you have walked in another's shoes.  

Sure I still think how we parent affects our kids.  But I no longer think I have complete control over how my kids will turn out. They are individuals, each one completely different.  They have their own way of viewing the world and how they see themselves in it.  It is amazing when you have more than one child to see how different they are.  Usually you have parented them both the same.  Sure birth order affects some of how we parent, but for the most part, unless you blatantly favor one child over another, they were raised in the same house, shouldn't they be similar?  Not always. 

I never thought I'd have teen issues.  (I know, am I completely naive/stupid/ignorant/arrogant or what?)  I thought because I was raising my kids in a home of mutual respect, where I tried to always hear my kids side of things, where I often changed my mind on things after hearing their opinion, where I thought we had complete and total communication, that I wouldn't have teen issues.  Teens only acted out when they weren't heard/understood/cared for.  I did/do all of those things for my kids.  Surely they wouldn't go through any teen angst stuff.  Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.  I'm laughing so hard to keep from crying. 

This parenting thing is hard.  I never really thought it would be easy.  I remember when I had my eldest daughter.  She was about 3 weeks old.  I was tired/overwhelmed/feeling a bit post-partum and my mother came to visit.  I was crying to my mom that I didn't know what I was doing, how hard this baby thing was, and that maybe I should have stuck with cats (I am serious cat person : )  Sometimes I still feel that way.

Of course I love my daughters dearly and wouldn't trade them for cats any day.  But in my naivety I thought each stage would get easier.  Hahahahahahahahahhaha (there I go laughing to keep from crying again).  It was physically hard on me when they were young.  I got very little sleep, always felt like I needed to "do" for them, be it feeding, bathing, changing, etc.  It would get emotionally hard when I was exhausted, especially when I felt like I had no support or because I had to do everything myself.  But it wasn't emotionally hard in that I had to deal with their emotions.  It wasn't emotionally hard because they were breaking my heart. Now that I am parenting teens, it is no longer physically hard, but it is emotionally hard.  Teenagers rip your heart from your chest. 

I remember being a teen.  I am not one of those parents who has completely forgotten her childhood/teen years and parent from a place of "do as I say not as I do".  I was a horrible teen.  I remember it vividly.  Granted my parents were no "parents of the year" and they had big issues of their own which didn't translate into parenting well, but looking back I know they did the best they could.  I suffered from terrible angst, although I only really showed it at home.  I was bitchy and moody.  All the time.  I was rebellious and all that entails.  I remember once my mother telling me she couldn't wait until I had teenagers of my own.  Well mom, I know you aren't here to see it, but you must be smirking in heaven, because it seems you have gotten your wish, I have teenagers! 

I love my girls, I really do.  I wouldn't trade this life for anything.  I'd lay down my life for them.  And some days are wonderful, we are good friends and able to hang out and have fun and talk.  Just what I dreamed my life with my daughters would be like.  Then other days, {shudder}, it's like they were abducted by aliens overnight and are no longer my children.  Those days are hard.  They make me question everything I have ever done since they were born.  Those days make me long for when they were toddlers, oblivious to the influences of the world.  Just warm little bundles of joy, who just wanted to curl up in mama's lap.  I know I can't go back in time and I really don't want to.  I look forward to watching them grow up and become young women who have lots to offer this world.  And I know they have lots to offer.  I know they can make a difference in this world.  If they can only survive these teen years.  Terrible two's?   Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!  They ain't got nothing on the terrible teens!  

"can't you see that you're smothering me
holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
cause everything that you thought i would be
has fallen apart right in front of you"

~Linkin Park -  

"Numb"~