Rules For Cats

This is an oldie, but a goodie. I didn't write it, but I think it applies. At least to my cats.


Rules For Cats

1. DOORS

Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs & scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door & pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in & out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.

2. CHAIRS & RUGS

If you have to yack (aka barf, heave, urp, etc.), get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you can't manage this in time, get to an oriental rug. If there are no oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When yaking on shag be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as human's bare foot.

3. BATHROOMS

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (see rule 1) It is not necessary to do anything - just sit & stare.

4. HELPING

If one of your humans is engaged in some busy activity & the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping":

When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You can't be seen & thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on & then picked up & comforted.

For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes & book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out & slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember that the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery & needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the human may tell you.

For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity) keep in mind the aim - to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love it when you jump.

5. WALKING

As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are:

-On stairs, when they have something in their arms
-In the dark
-When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills.

6. BED TIME

Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book-end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try & squirm but your sheer numbers & inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.

7. COMPUTERS

Only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the operator will need your help. Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight & cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and the person operating the computer. For best results, stand as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go & sulk in a corner for a minute,then repeat. Look as innocent as possible.

Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del.

Always chase the mouse, your owner can't blame you for this, since it's your feline instinct to chase mice.