Losing Myself

I started thinking the other day about who I am. I know all the labels people can put on me: I was a daughter (both of my parents are now dead, so I am a parent-less daughter now), a sister, an aunt, a mother, a wife etc. Those are words that describe me, but they don't define me. I don't want to be defined by labels or categories or boxes that others can put me in.

I started thinking back to my youth and what I wanted to "be". When I was growing up, kids were always striving to "be" something. It wasn't enough to just be a kid or a teen, it was all about what you were going to "be" when you grew up. I remember wanting to be a model. What girl didn't want to be a model in the early 80's, the heyday of supermodel-ism? Although I have (had) a pretty face, I knew my Irish "potato pickers" legs would never get me a cover shoot, so I moved on to wanting to be an actress. I was in some school plays, and I was pretty interested in the acting thing for while, but reality set in (and lack of encouragement from my parents) brought me back to reality. By junior year of high school I was thinking about being a photographer. (I am sensing a theme here; I think I wanted a career with excitement and adventure.) My grades weren't great, I hated school, so my parents weren't willing to help me pay for photography school. (I wanted to go to Columbia, in Chicago, I could have lived at home and commuted to cut costs, but that's a whole other story). Suffice it to say, none of those dreams ever panned out. I considered becoming a paralegal at one point, but again, no money for school, and with my grades, no scholarships were forthcoming.

So I went to work. I had been working since age 14, various jobs, fast food, a laundromat, cleaning offices, finally retail. But after I graduated high school, I needed full time employment as I wanted to get of my parents house. (Another long story for another time).

So working full time, paying for an apartment and car, finally meeting a man, moving in with him and getting pregnant, then married, then I wake up one day at 42 and realize I lost myself.

I'm not unhappy with how my life turned out, I love my husband, I love my daughters. I have been happy being a mom, and I have learned a lot about myself, what my strengths (and weaknesses) are through being a wife and mother. But now that my girls are getting a little older, and I too am getting older, I have been thinking about the rest of my life. Is it too late to re-visit those old dreams? Do I even want to do those things anymore? Who am I outside of the wife and mother role? I still wonder what I want to be when I grow up.

Some days I am content to putter around the house and just continue on with the status quo, other days I feel like I was meant for so much more, that I should be contributing to the world in a more meaningful way. I just don't know what that is yet. I wish I could sit on a mountain for a while, and maybe the gods would speak to me and point me in the right direction. (Although in reality, I'd much prefer to sit under a palm tree and stare at the ocean for a while).

I think I may be going through a mid-life crisis. Although crisis isn't really the right word. It's soul searching. Searching for meaning in my life and in this crazy world we live in. If I find it I'll let you know.

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~Anaïs Nin~

The Chicago Tea Party

I have heard some people talking about the small turn outs at these tea parties. I guess some people fail to understand that most Conservatives/Republicans actually work during the day. They got a lot of news attention, at least around here, so that's all that really matters.

Chicago

Last week my girls and I went into Chicago to see Wicked. We had been to Chicago before, but never really walked around the city. We always had a destination: Museum of Science and Industry, Field Museum, Shedd Aquarium, American Girl Place, Navy Pier, etc. We would always hit our destination and then hop back in the car and head home.

This time, we had plenty of time after we parked our car to walk around the city a bit before the show. My girls loved it. It was a beautiful day to be out and walking around. We were in a pretty crowded area of town, so there were quite a few people out on the streets. While they both said they wouldn't want to live in a city, they enjoyed being there for the day.

The theater where our show was being held is situated a block or so away from our local ABC news station. They have a ground floor set with big glass windows so you can watch the news live from outside. Sometimes they pan the crowd outside and you can see yourself on TV. After the show, around 5:00pm, we knew the news was on. So we raced over to the the studio. The girls got to see up close the people we always watch on TV. I am kind of addicted to this news station. I watch them every night and also really like the weather man, Jerry Taft. And there they all were! Our favorite weather man even waved to the crowd. And the camera did pan and my girls were on TV for a few seconds. I knew I should have set the tivo before we left the house, darn it! I had intended to have the girls see the studio, I just didn't think we would be there during a news taping. Maybe next time.

We also went into a Border's bookstore while we there. It was the largest Border's I have ever been in, it was three stories tall and had escalators! Now before you think I live in hicksville, you need to know my girls have been on escalators before. Just not very often. So they had to go up and down the escalators a few times. My oldest is 13, and still thinks it is fun to ride an escalator, who knew? Of course what they really want to do is to someday have the opportunity to run up a down escalator. For some reason that is on both of their to do lists!

We saw a few other theaters, as we were in the theater district. We saw the El trains and tracks. We saw taxi cabs and policemen on horses. We saw swanky restaurants. And of course we got to see Wicked, which was the absolute highlight of the day. When it was over, my 13 year old wanted to go the Sbarro restaurant we saw while walking around. She just loves Sbarro and the closest one to us is in a mall about 30 mins away. So while we had a plethora of marvelous restaurants to choose from, we went to Sbarro! Hey, how much culture can a person have in a day?

WICKED!

My daughters and I went to see WICKED yesterday. We have been wanting to see this show for about 2 years now, and the opportunity came up for us to go with a group, for deeply discounted rates. I am glad we went.

The show was FANTASTIC! All the rave reviews have been well deserved. We were up in the balcony, about 7 rows from the absolute back of the theater, and we could still see fairly well and the sound was wonderful.

It's a girls show. Not that men wouldn't enjoy it, but the storyline involves the two main characters, Elphaba and Galinda (who later becomes Glinda). They meet in college, and the song they sing together tells us how they initially feel about each other, "What is This Feeling - Loathing". Then it unfolds how they become friends and how one goes on to become the Wicked Witch of the West and the other Glinda the Good. (They never refer to Glinda as a witch.)

The story does take us all the way to the end of of the movie "The Wizard of Oz." From the ads one would think it only details up until Elphaba becomes the Wicked Witch. I was pleasantly surprised when elements of the movie began to show up in this musical.

Besides the absolutely fantastic music and songs, there was quite a bit of humor in the show. The relationship between the two girls was quite funny at times. It really is a girlfriend musical. It showcases how two women relate as best friends, including the hurt as well as the joy.

My step-daughter met us at the theater and saw the show with us as well. She delighted the girls by telling them she had the Wicked Soundtrack. On the way home, we stopped by her apartment and she gave us a copy. We delighted in re-living the musical again all the way home. I loved that my girls wanted me to "blast" the music and they sang along with their favorite songs. The soundtrack was done by the original Broadway cast, and I must say, I think the leads in our Chicago cast were much better. Elphaba's voice was beyond fantastic. It was strong and clear and perfectly on. She did not make one mistake. It was just a marvelous performance and the entire house gave the two female leads a standing ovation at curtain call.

The best song in the entire show is "Defying Gravity". Some of the unforgettable lyrics:

Something has changed within me

Something is not the same

I'm through with playing by

The rules of someone else's game

Too late for second-guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts

Close my eyes

And leap...

It's time to try defying gravity

I think I'll try defying gravity

And you can't pull me down

I'm through accepting limits

Cuz someone says they're so

Some things I cannot change

But till I try I'll never know

Too long I've been afraid of

Losing love I guess I've lost

Well if that's love

It comes at much too high a cost

Powerful words and a very powerful song. Good lessons in there too.

If you can get to see one Musical this year, try to go and see Wicked. My girls and I are already plotting how we can get back to see it one more time before it leaves Chicago in January. It was just that good. We know we'll catch things the second time that we may have missed the first.

It was such a wonderful thing to be able to share this with my daughters. Their delight at being in the "city" (which I will write about in another post), their awe of the theater and the show itself, and just the joy and happiness they shared about finally being able to see the show we have only talked about for the last two years. I believe this is one of the things that will stick in their memories forever. Something they will be able to look back on as adults and remember the day they got to go to Chicago and see Wicked with their mom.