A good friend of mine wrote a speech for a class she took while getting her psychology degree (she just graduated with her Bachelor's degree, congrats Jody). I had lunch with her today to discuss the "joys" of raising teenagers. She thought I might find her speech enlightening, and has given me permission to share it here, so that I may enlighten others. (May you all feel enlightened ; )
This speech is intended for parents and future parents of all ages. Those of you who have decided not to have children, you are very wise and should be revered by all. I suggest complete abstinence from sex for the rest of your lives (don't take any chances.)
1. For those of you who are not yet parents - DON'T DO IT!
2. For parent's of young children - enjoy it while you can. You have no idea what you're in for (you fools!)
3. For parents of teenagers - God help you. You have my sympathies.
4. For parents of adults - HOW THE HELL DID YOU SURVIVE?
I feel it is my duty to bring to light some common misconceptions about proper parenting (pun intended).
(1.) The first 5 years of a child's life are the most critical years in personality development. If you are an attentive and conscientious parents during this period of time, you will produce well adjusted, happy teenagers.
TRUTH - It doesn't really matter what you do because all teenagers will have their heads up their asses and will drive you to drink, so you might as well start drinking now and enjoy the ride.
(2.) Teach your children responsibility by requiring them to go to school, do their homework and do simple chores around the house. This will teach them a good work ethic and to be proud of a job well done.
TRUTH - You are just wasting your time bitching and nagging at them. They will turn on you like dogs when they are teenagers, and there is nothing on earth you can do to make them do their homework, including pleading, bribery, water torture and beating the crap out of them. Go have a drink instead.
(3.) Give your children something to believe in. Teach them your faith and bring them to church or temple or whatever you believe in, regularly. Being part of a religious community gives children a sense of belonging and teaches them good morals and values.
TRUTH - They won't hear a single word of any sermons at church in all the years you bring them there. When they are 6 they will think Jesus is Santa Claus. When they are 10 they will tell the Sunday School teacher, "My mom yells at my dad all the time." When they are 14 they will get caught smoking in the church parking lot, and when they are 17 they will tell you that God is a figment of your imagination anyway, and you will believe them. Screw it. Go out drinking on Saturday nights and stay in bed nursing your hangover on Sunday mornings instead of dragging those unwilling brats to church every frigging week.
(4.) Set a good example for your children. Children learn by observing those around them. If you want your children to grow up and be responsible citizens, then you must act responsibly.
TRUTH - Your teenagers don't want to be like you! They want to be ANYTHING but you! They will walk through fire to get AWAY from you. If you want them to be respectful, responsible human beings, then you should do the OPPOSITE! Go ahead.....be a big loser! You will be doing your children a favor in the long run. Here are some suggestions:
1. Get arrested
2. Lose your job
3. Be promiscuous
4. Do drugs
5. Lie. Chest. Steal.
6. And most importantly - drink heavily.
Thank you for listening. I feel I have performed a great service to society by dispelling these myths and I urge you to do the same, saving thousands of unsuspecting, would-be parents from lives of disillusionment.
For those with young children: I am aware of your superior attitude because I used to have it. I looked with disdain at my neighbor's children running around outside in their underwear and cowboy boots, while their mother sipped a margarita on her back deck. I was SURE that my children would NEVER act like that. I WAS WRONG! Now I'm downing tequila straight from the bottle while my children are running around on college campuses doing God Knows What, wearing God Knows What, only calling home when they need money. I should have started drinking long ago.