May! When Did May Get Here?

Seriously, when is this time thing going to slow down a bit? It's like ever since I turned 40 I have gone over the top of the hill, and I am literally racing down the other side.

I had big plans of being a part of NaBloPoMo this month, but seeing as it is already May 2nd, I've already blown it. I guess I can strive for June, and with the way the months have been flipping by me, it will be here before I know it anyway.

We had a major milestone yesterday in our family....my eldest "graduated" from 8th grade. For regular readers, you know we unschool, so I use the term graduate loosely. It was really, to us, more of a rite of passage than a graduation, but we participated with our homeschooling co-op, and I don't think my idea of a rite of passage ceremony instead of a graduation ceremony would have gone over too well. So a graduation it was. I do plan to blog about it and put up pictures. Hopefully tomorrow.

Right now I just felt the need to check in to my poor neglected blog. Life's been busy the last few weeks, I think things will slow down a bit for us now heading into summer. Maybe I will feel time slow down a bit too, at least I hope so.

Here She Is!

(This is part 3 in a story telling about the birth of my eldest, who turns 14 today.)

So after seeing the doctor Thursday, after she tortured me by "stripping my membranes" I went home and tried to rest. I woke up that night (really the next morning) about 4am. My contractions were definitely stronger and coming much closer together. I called my doctor. After leaving a message with the answering service, she called back in about 15 mins. That was a long 15 mins. Anyway, she decided I should come into the hospital.

Before I continue, thought I should show everyone how I looked the week before I gave birth:
Boy was I huge!


We got to the hospital about 5:30 am. My doctor wasn't there yet, but the nurse's in ER were expecting me. I was pre-checked in, so they just popped me in a wheel-chair and up we went to the maternity floor. By the time I got changed and almost settled, my doctor showed up. After a check she determined I was at 3 cm. Oh My God, I am only dilating a cm a day! She suggested I take some Demerol to take the edge off. I was willing to take anything at that point to take the edge off. The Demerol helped, but it also made me nauseous. I would rather have excruciating contractions than be nauseous. I hate being nauseous. It's my most dreaded sickness.

It's around 7am now. An hour later than when she first checked me. I am still at 3 cm. She decided she is going to start Pitocin and break my water, but "would I like an epidural first?". Damn right I want an epidural first. So Mr. anesthesiologist comes in, tells me to lie on my side, curl up my knees and DO NOT MOVE! It's kind of hard not to move when your body is being racked with pain, but the thought of paralysis also crossed my mind, so I managed not to move. It was almost immediate relief. I never loved anyone as much as that anesthesiologist.

So then Dr. Novas (my ob) went to work breaking my water. I didn't feel anything. They attached a monitor to my poor little baby's head and hooked me up to a Pitocin drip. And then I went to sleep. Ah blissful sleep. Something I didn't have much of for the past two days. My sister showed up sometime during my nap. I had wanted her there for the delivery. I figured as many people I could have on my side the better. So I had DH (who was then just dear boyfriend) and my sister present for the delivery. Oh yea, and just about every other nurse, aide or passer-by in the hospital watching the delivery. My doctor had just switched from a different hospital and I was only her second delivery at this hospital. Being the newbie, people wanted to see how she did things. Luckily, being in pain and having a purpose distracted me enough that I didn't care how many people were in the room. But I am getting ahead of myself.

Around noon my doctor came in to check me and I was at about 7cm. She cranked up the Pitocin a bit more, and told me I'd probably be ready soon. I was still blissfully numb, so that was fine with me. Around 2pm she came back. I was at 10 cm. She had the anesthesiologist turn off the epidural (stop the drip from going in and keeping me numb). She wanted me to be able to feel to push. Did I really need to feel it? Couldn't I just push when she said push? So a little after 2:00pm I started to push. The nurses cranked up the back of the bed, my knees were pulled up so I could grab them, I had my DB (dear boyfriend, now husband) on one side of me and my sister on the other. And my doctor would watch the monitor to see when I was in a contraction (because I was still numb) and she would tell me when to push. Wasn't so hard for the first 20 mins or so, then the epidural started to wear off. But I trudged along. I had to have an episiotomy (which luckily she numbed me for) and then lo and behold, at exactly 3:20pm, out popped......A GIRL!

A girl? I wanted a girl so badly, but I am one of those kinds of people who likes to be prepared for the worst, so I didn't want to hope for a girl and be disappointed. So I had myself convinced it was a boy. But it was A GIRL! Yea, a girl. I remember my doctor asking DB if he wanted to cut the cord. I'm not sure he wanted to, but what do you say in the heat of the moment, no? So he cut the cord, the doc wiped her down a bit, wrapped her in a blankie, and gave her to me. Here she is in her very first picture:


After a minute or so they took her away, gave her a perfect Apgar score, cleaned her up, swaddled her like a sausage and then gave her back to me. My perfect little baby was, perfect! DB and I had talked about names. We had it narrowed down to Jacqueline (Jacquie) or Caroline (Carley). Carley won in the end, and I think it fits her.

Here she is while they were checking her out:



Here's my OB and me the next day (Carley is hard to see, but that's her all swaddled up.)


Below is one of her laying on her dad at about 3 months:


And here she is by herself at about 4 months:


We like to call that one "Crazy hair Carley".

And finally, one of her at 2 years old:


Maybe I'll try to get a picture of her today, so I can show you what "14 year old" Carley looks like. It's harder to get her to pose these days. It seems like just yesterday when I was pregnant with her. And yet it also seems like an eon ago. I can't believe those baby, toddler, pre-schooler, kid, years are gone. She is a young adult now really. Off to high school next year. Tick tock, tick tock.

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. ~Rajneesh~

"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time"
~James Taylor~

I've Failed

I have not been able to post something on my blog everyday for the month of January. I did pretty well the first half of January, but I am failing miserably the second.

I did learn something though. I do not have the time or really the inclination to post something everyday. It was a lot of pressure. I started my blog to write about random things that occurred in my life. Partly to get my thoughts down on "paper" and partly as kind of a record of who I am. If my girls are interested, they can read about the deep dark thoughts of their wacky mom when they get older. Maybe it will help them understand me better.

I also learned that I am not a slave to my computer. My girls are home with me all day, and much more deserving of my time than a blog. And when I may have had some free time late at night, I decided my sleep was more important as well.

So it was an interesting experiment for me. One that I will probably not do again. Maybe when I'm older and my kids are gone and I need something to fill my days. But that time isn't now. So I will continue to post to my blog when the fire ignites in my brain. Plenty of things piss me off, and plenty of other things I just want to write down. But I will not put the pressure on myself that I need to come to my blog and put something, anything, on it everyday.

Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you.

~Carl Sandburg~

Don't Blink!

I was thinking again today about the passage of time. I was thinking back to when my 2nd daughter was born. Boy was that tough. My oldest was just two, and I had a newborn. That first year seems like a whirlwind. I remember just trying to make it through each day. A nursing baby and a busy toddler who never slept. I couldn't wait to go to bed at night.

We watched some old home movies a few weeks back. Darn if my kids weren't so darn cute! I do remember thinking how cute they were at the time, but it was always a fleeting thought as mindless tasks would begin to fill my mind instead: They need their diapers changed, they never ate lunch, Carley shouldn't watch so much Barney, Catherine needs to nurse, AGAIN! It seems there was always something I had to do FOR them. I didn't spend enough time just being WITH them. I mean I was with them all day, everyday, but I wasn't really present. I was in survival mode. I'm sorry about that now.

My girls are now 11 and 13 and I am enjoying the heck out of them. I know to a lot of people this is a horrible age, especially for girls. But I think this is why I am enjoying it so much. I was just like them. Their little snarky comments, the rolling of their eyes, the look that I must just be so dense, how could they have a mom like me? They make me laugh. Plus, as their bodies change, and they become more like me (a woman instead of a girl) we have more in common and more to talk about. I can try to share some wisdom in those rare moments when they actually want to listen to me. I really feel like I am PRESENT with them at this time. I like to go places with them and I like to do things with them. I am relishing these moments because I know they will be gone in the blink of an eye. Just like when they were 2 and 4 and I was so wishing they would just get a little older, a little faster, so my life would be a little easier. Well they did get older, and it came a lot faster than I expected. All of a sudden my little toddlers have become bright, beautiful young women.

I look forward to watching the future unfold for them. I wait in anticipation to see what they choose to do with their lives. But I don't wish for it to come too quickly. I want to stretch out this time with my girls as long as I can. It is time I will never get back, so I better not miss it.

A daughter is the happy memories of the past, the joyful moments of the present, and the hope and promise of the future.

~Author Unknown~