Random Thoughts of a Fiery Woman

Happy Holidays?

2011-11-25T16:49:00.000-06:00

I wrote this post "Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays ?" 2 years ago.

Unfortunately Christians are still rabid and calling for boycotts. So here's the re-run, I think it bears repeating : )

Love Yourself Enough

2011-09-13T09:44:00.001-05:00

I found a quote the other day:

"Start living now. Stop saving the good china for that special occasion. Stop withholding your love until that special person materializes. Every day you are alive is a special occasion. Every minute, every breath, is a gift from God."

~Mary Manin Morrissey~

It brought back a memory from my childhood. When I was about 10 or 12 my grandmother bought me these great sheets. I didn't know anything about thread counts back then, but they were beautiful sheets. Pink and flowery and so, so soft. I loved those sheets. Seems weird for a 10 or 12 year old to love sheets, but I just thought these were the nicest sheets I had ever seen. And I didn't want to use them, lest they get ruined. I don't know what I needed to save them for, but I really thought they needed to be saved. Until I was older, until a special time came along. Whatever.

So I never put them on my bed. I left them in the box in my closet. And I'd look at them, and I'd touch them, but I never put them on my bed. They were twin size sheets, because back then I had a twin sized bed. Over time they somehow got pushed to the back of my closet and I forgot about them.

And then I moved out of my parents house when I was 19. And I didn't take my twin sized bed, by then I had a full sized bed. As I was cleaning out my closet while moving, I found those sheets. And then I realized I would never use them because I no longer had a twin sized bed. And it made me sad. Really sad. Why had I never used these sheets? What did I think I needed to save them for?

I realized I had learned the lesson that somehow some things were more special than others. My mom had all kinds of special tableware. Linens, silver, china, all things that we were not allowed to touch unless it was a holiday and we were having company. We had special towels and soaps we put out for "company". The subtle, unspoken message was that "company" was more special than we were. I'm sure it was how my mother was raised as well, so she didn't give us that message intentionally, it's just what she knew. What she had lived in her own childhood.

But after seeing those sheets, I realized how stupid that is. How sad it is. To think that we subtly tell our children that they aren't as special as the "company", so they aren't good enough to waste the towels, or the china or the sheets on. I decided I would not send that message to my children.

None of us know when it is our last day, and what are we waiting for? Put the sheets on the bed, burn the pretty candles, use the pretty soap, chip the good china. It's just stuff. And if you like it, don't save it, use it. What are you saving it for? You are worth the good stuff.

"A healthy self-love means we have no compulsion to justify to ourselves or others why we take vacations, why we sleep late, why we buy new shoes, why we spoil ourselves from time to time. We feel comfortable doing things which add quality and beauty to life."

~Andrew Matthews~

Were You Raised By Wolves?!?!

2011-08-12T16:28:00.000-05:00

"On the beach, you can live in bliss."

~ Dennis Wilson~

I like watching people. Human behavior interests me. But sometimes, I just want to sit in a chair on a beach and have humanity leave me alone. Today was one of those days.

So, today I went to the beach. It seems today was tween/young teen day at the beach. There were lots of what looked to be 12, 13, 14 year olds, wandering around, unattended by adults. And were they ever rude and inconsiderate of the adults around them. Lots of yelling, running, and just general rudeness going on.

There was one group, three boys, three girls, that decided to park themselves right next to my blanket and chair. They threw their things to the ground, began kicking sand and yelling at each other. Joyfully yelling at each other, but yelling none the less. And the sand. Dust kicking up every where, I could feel the fine layer settling on my Coppertone greased skin. Yea.

Then the girls decided to run off to the bathroom. I was in the way of the bathroom. My blanket had blown over on itself thanks to the wind, and so, instead of walking around my blanket, what did one of the girls decide to do? Yup, she jumped over my blanket. Really. With me sitting right there in a chair at the edge of my blanket. I lowered my sunglasses and stared at her two friends who were getting ready to do the same. I must have given them some look, one of the remaining two said "We'll go around". Hahaha.

Then there were the little ones. All full of joy to be at the beach. Running 50 miles per hour back and forth across the sands, spreading love wherever they go. Or sand. Lots of sand, wherever the go. And the parents, who see them kicking great big billows of sand onto all those around them? Nothing. Not a peep. Really?!?!

And then you have the screamers. Sometimes that means kids, other times that means adults. The moms who take their kids to the beach, for what one would think would be the intention of having a fun day and making memories and all that sweet, sugary stuff, but in reality, the moms are harried and tired of being moms so they just scream at their kids the whole time they are there. That's fun to listen to.

Then you have the kid screamers. The ones who scream for fun, the ones who scream at people 100 yards away because they can't seem to walk there, and the ones who scream because their mom tells them no, for the 100th time.

Yikes! When did we stop caring how our actions affect others? I was never one to let my children be rude and unruly in public. I always made sure they realized that sometimes, our actions can upset other people and we should always try to be courteous of others. My girls knew not to run by people on a beach because running kicks up sand. The knew better than to scream at me or each other from the water to the sand. They certainly knew not to jump over someone else's stuff.

As a mom, I tried really, really hard to never yell at or shame my kids in public. There are lots of moms out there who seem to never have learned that lesson.

I have written about bad moms before here, and about the sad state of humanity here and here. So I guess this is a running theme with me. I'm just so easily annoyed about things that seem like common courtesy to me.

Maybe it's aging. Maybe I'm just less tolerant the older I get. I actually sympathize with the people who want kid free restaurants and flights.

But I don't blame the kids, really. Not the young ones anyway. I blame the parents. By teens, even though teens to be very self absorbed, one would think they should have the where with all to know when they are annoying people. But little kids, they only know what they see or have been taught, and for that, the parents are at fault.

Blame. Someone has to be blamed, right? They ruined my day at the beach. But so did the sun, it chose not to shine. But that's a sad story for another grumpy day.

“When one's expectations are reduced to zero, one really appreciates everything one does have”

~Stephen Hawking~

Changes and Choices

2011-07-28T17:44:00.003-05:00

The man who never alters his opinion is like standing water, and breeds reptiles of the mind.

~William Blake~

A strange thing has been happening to me lately. I am constantly re-thinking all the choices I have made in my life thus far. I think I will blog about these as the whim hits me.

Todays' topic: Choices I have made in regards to my children education.

Oh how idealistic we can be when we are young, when we are new parents, when everything in our lives is fresh and new.

When a person has a baby, at least this happened for me, education was the furthest thing from my mind. But around the time my eldest turned 2 and I was heavy with my 2nd daughter, it occurred to me that one day this child is going to have to go to school. Panic ensued, as I never wanted to be without my daughters.

I did end up enrolling my 2 1/2 year old in a Montessori pre-school that I eventually ended up working for, (to pay for the tuition and because I did not like being away from my daughters). My youngest daughter would end up going there as well.

Now had I been independently wealthy, the story would end here. I loved Montessori. My eldest (Carley) moved on to a Montessori grade school while my youngest (Catherine) finished up at the pre-school where I worked (and bartered for tuition). Once Catherine was out of the pre-school and my job was over, I just could not afford the tuition at the Montessori grade school. A change had to be made. Public School? Egads no. Catholic school? I was no longer a practicing Catholic so that seemed hypocritical. Structured school in general was not a choice I wanted to make at all. Homeschooling, that's what it had to be.

At that time I knew very little about homeschooling. So I went to the library and checked out every book on homeschooling I could find. I read about school at home, unit studies, relaxed homeschooling, unschooling, etc., etc. I talked with other homeschool moms and eventually came up with a philosophy I thought would fit our family.

First philosophy: School at home. I bought a full curriculum. We sat at the dining room table and did X number of pages of work per day. Started in September, just like school. By Christmas I wanted to kill myself. This style wasn't for us.

Then we went to a relaxed school at home. Some days we worked in books, some days we went to the park and the library. Some days we watched videos. But I still led the day and tried to keep some structure. I also added unit studies into this, KONOS, which my girls enjoyed but it required a lot of work and prep on my part.

As time went on the girls wanted less and less to do with structure, and we drifted into unschooling. I did continue to buy curriculum for a time, but only curriculum that the girls wanted. If one wanted a science curriculum, I bought it, if one wanted English, I bought it. But it was up to them to decide to work on it. I wasn't going to push them anymore. During this time we also did Sonlight. My girls really enjoyed Sonlight, because frankly, there wasn't much for them to do. They read some books and I read some books to them. And then we'd discuss some vocabulary words. Both girls really enjoy books and reading, so this wasn't a chore for them.

As my girls got closer to those tween years, between 10 and 12, they wanted even less to do with anything structured and frankly so did I. Hormones were swinging wildly, we were involved in a co-op, and everything I had read about unschooling made me think the girls would be just fine if I left them to their own devices. So I did. Of course I was always here, willing to take them here or there, willing to help them learn something or figure out a way to learn something, they knew they could count on me for anything, but the learning was left up to them.

When my eldest was around 12 she started asking about going to school. I had already pre-decided she was never going to Junior high, 1) because I hated junior high, 2) because I heard horrible things about what goes on in junior high (bullying and sex) and 3) I still wanted her home. Looking back, only one of those is really a valid reason.

So I told Carley we would re-visit the school issue with high school. I was hoping she would decide she loved home and me so much she'd never want to go. I was wrong. She starts her junior year of high school next month.

I thought school was going to be a nightmare. I thought Carley would hate it, that she'd decide to quit and come home (an option she knew she had whenever she wanted it). She didn't. She loves it. Ok, maybe love is a strong word, but she really, really likes it. She likes to be taught. By someone other than me. She likes to learn, the kinds of things they teach in books and schools. She is a perfect student. During her previous two years in high school she has made the honor roll each semester. Not bad for an unschooled homeschooler.

Now Catherine, my youngest, the one who I thought really thrived in unschooling, has also decided she wants to try high school. She wants to see what it's like, wants to see if she's missing something. When everyone around you is doing something, it makes you want to maybe try it too. Especially if you are a teen. (Ok, we aren't talking about sex, drugs and alcohol here!)

There are also classes at the high school that Catherine thinks sound interesting. Fashion and World History being two of them. And while we could have learned Fashion and World History at home, somehow it just seems more interesting doing it with other people who share the same interest as you. Catherine has the same option as Carley, she is free to leave school at any time. She has already decided that while she may decide not to go full time, she pretty much knows she wants to stay in at least part time.

So my (eventually) unschooled daughters, whom I taught had the world at their fingertips and the freedom to do as they please and learn what they please, have in the end, decided the structure of public school is what they want. Hahahahahaha. Jokes on me.

But after having had some time to process it, I am now surprisingly Ok with it. I made choices for them when they were small based on my own life experiences and research. That's all a parent can do. We do what we think is best. No one knows what is best, it's all speculation. We are not our children, we are not in their heads, they are not our mini me's. We have to be comfortable as a parent, eventually letting our children be who they are meant to be. And if that is someone wholly different than who we are, we need to love them anyway. That's what it means to be a parent.

I know homeschoolers who would be upset if their children didn't grow up and homeschool their grandchildren. They take it as some personal affront if their children want to do something different. I also know homeschoolers who think I must have done something wrong to make my children want to choose school. I think I must have actually done something right. My children are making the choice they think is right for them. I am giving them the right to make that choice. How many other teens ever get to choose the direction of their lives? Most kids live with their lives planned out for them. They WILL do this, they WILL go there, etc, etc., ad nauseum until they move out. Yes, I made some of those decisions for my children when they were young, but now as teenagers they have the freedom to choose for themselves. And it is a different choice than I would have chosen for them at this stage in their lives, but that is part of letting go.

So now, 16 years after the birth of my first born, I am kind of doing an about face. The daughters that I swore would never go to school, will both be in school this fall. My kids are exactly where I didn't want them to be. Isn't that funny?

If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies.

~Author Unknown~

America

2011-07-04T14:01:00.000-05:00

Happy 4th of July everyone. Thought I'd share one of my favorite patriotic songs. Neil Diamond, singing "America" from the movie "The Jazz Singer". Love this song.

Old Age and Death and Dying

2011-07-02T15:30:00.001-05:00

Ready for an uplifting post? Then don't read this one ; )

"A test of a people is how it behaves toward the old. It is easy to love children. Even tyrants and dictators make a point of being fond of children. But the affection and care for the old, the incurable, the helpless are the true gold mines of a culture."

~Abraham J. Heschel~

We've been dealing with some aging parent issues around my home. My mother-in-law will be 91 next month, and my father-in-law just turned 87. My father in law has been having some dementia issues for a few years now, moodiness, anger issues, confusion. He's been in and out of hospital's and nursing homes, and it seems like it may finally be time for him to permanently leave his home.

I have dealt with this before. Three of my grandparents ended up in nursing homes before they died. My maternal grandmother, (Nanny) had breast cancer that metastasized to her bones. She got to the point where she just couldn't be cared for in her home anymore. She went down hill pretty quickly after being moved into the nursing home. I suppose you lose your will to live a lot quicker when you realize you no longer have anything to live for. She was trapped in a bed, away from her family. We visited her, but how often can you really spend at the nursing home when you have a job and your own life to live? (and being 21, I felt my life was very important). My mom was an only child and had big issues with her mom. My parents were on vacation in Florida when my grandmother died and my mom refused to come home. She said the service could wait until after her vacation. So my sister and I made all the arrangements. I had just turned 22 four days after her death, and my sister was 26. We arranged for her cremation, and arranged a service with the cemetery and the priest. Thankfully my grandmother already had a burial spot bought and paid for. But we still had to wait two weeks to have her service, because that is when my parents would be home. Nanny died February 15, 1990.

My grandmother left behind her husband Harry, my step-grandfather, but really the only grandfather I had ever known. He fared pretty well for awhile, but then he too needed to go into a nursing home because he just couldn't live on his own anymore. My mom certainly wasn't going to move him in with her, she already had my paternal grandfather, Pa, living with her and my dad. He had moved in when I was a sophomore in high school.

In 1991, a year after my grandmother died, my parents moved from IL to TN. My mother decided she was not going to take my grandfathers with her, so they were both left behind, in IL, in nursing homes. And then my mom pretty much never looked back. My dad was complicit in this too, he was just usually in the background of everything my mom did, which is why I keep putting this on her.

So it fell upon my sister and I to visit our grandfathers and make sure they had the things they needed. I tried to get out to see them weekly. The nursing home was about 1/2 an hour from me, but it was over an hour for my sister. It was rough going to the home every week. I was in my early twenties, when it seems you are the most alive. And every week I had to go and sit with those on deaths door. Pa was never overly happy to see us. I sensed he realized it was out of a sense of duty, not that we really wanted to be there. He was a pretty angry man, had a rough life and carried that with him. I can't recall him ever being really happy. But my sister and I would go anyway, we would sit with him and watch TV, or while he ate his lunch. Make sure he was being treated well, and then we'd leave. It was always so depressing. A lot of the people there never had anyone visit. They were just left there. My sister and I would talk to some of these other residents if we were in the community room. They seemed to appreciate having someone other than nurses aides to talk with.

A few times Pa needed to go to the hospital for a feeding tube because he started having trouble eating. The nursing home would transport him there and then call my sister to let her know. ( She being the oldest was the one left in charge). They were never able to keep the tube in him, he always managed to pull it out. He had a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) on his chart, but a feeding tube isn't the same as not resuscitating. My mother also had a signed living will from Pa, and she had his medical power of attorney, so eventually she decided to just stop all means of nourishment. She was still in TN by the way, calling the shots. So even though my sister and I were there, actually caring for him, my mom got to have the final say in how he should die.

Harry (my maternal step-grandfather) managed to hang on until 1995. He lived in that nursing home for 4 years. The first few years he did pretty well. He had a TV, he could watch the baseball games. He was asked to be on a major league team right after high school, but his father wouldn't let him go. Harry never had any kids of his own, his only other relatives were his sister who was older than him and still lived back east. My Nanny was Harry's life. When my parents were transferred to IL with my dads job, Nanny and Harry moved out a year later. So our family was all Harry had. But Harry wasn't my moms real dad, and she didn't particularly care about him once she moved to TN. Harry had done a lot for me growing up. I was only 10 years old when Nanny and Harry moved to IL. He drove me places, I used to hang out at their apartment, and he taught me to drive. So I felt I owed it to Harry to visit him as much as I could. He died 3 weeks after my eldest daughter was born in 1995. My parents came back to IL and we had a small service for him at the cemetery and a small luncheon afterwards. All of that was at the insistence of my sister and I. Harry had a burial plot next to my grandmother (they both wanted to be cremated) and if it had been up to my mom, we would have just passed his ashes off to the cemetery and had him buried. But I remember that service and the luncheon. And I am glad we paid him the respect he deserved. My mom had a marker placed on her mothers grave after she died, but she never got one for Harry. She kept telling me she didn't have the money. In 1997 I received a settlement for a back injury. One of the first things I spent money on was a marker for Harry's grave.

So why I am writing all this down? Well, for one, grandchildren shouldn't have to deal with taking care of their grandparents when able bodied children are alive. My parents both completely shirked their duties as children. I realize both had crappy childhoods and had serious issues with their parents. But they were never not on speaking terms with them, we always had them in our lives. You just don't abandon your parents in the end. It was really stressful for my sister and I to have to make sure our grandfathers were taken care of. We were just starting our own lives, by the time Harry died we both had small children. It was a heavy burden. I don't regret all that we did , but I still think the responsibility should have been on my parents.

Back when all this was going on I often thought how it would be for my parents. Would I have to put them in a nursing home and watch them deteriorate too? As fate would have it, my dad died at 56 of pancreatic cancer and my mom would die 6 years later of internal bleeding at 62. Has it spared me the pain my husband now has to go through? I don't know. Death is death no matter when it happens. I was devastated when my mom died, it was quick and unexpected. I had 6 months from diagnosis to death with my dad. A little time to prepare and say goodbye, but it was still very, very hard. But my parents will be forever young in my memory. I didn't have to watch them lose their faculties and their minds. I didn't have to worry about the care they might be receiving by others in a home. Death is death, whether young or old and it is painful for children to watch their parents die.

I have a fear of death. I know I shouldn't as a Christian, but I do. So I want to live as long as possible. And I kind of hope my mind has gone when I go, so I am not aware of my death. But I certainly do not want to put the burden of my elderly care on my daughters. So it is a dilemma. Obviously I really have no say when I die. But if I had to choose early death to spare my children the pain of my care, or living to a ripe old age to hang on as long as possible, I choose the ripe old age. I just don't want to die, ever (yes, denial!) I hope to make sure my old age needs are taken care of before I get there (if I get there) so that those decisions don't have to be made by my daughters. I'll also make sure they know that they don't have to come and sit by my bedside and entertain me. I'll have lived my life, and they should be living theirs. Not worrying about old mom in the home.

Life sucks and then you die. Or your parents die, or are dying, or are losing their minds. None of us expect or want this in our lives. But it will come for all of us eventually. C'est la Vie.

“Parents, however old they and we may grow to be, serve among other things to shield us from a sense of our doom. As long as they are around, we can avoid the fact of our mortality; we can still be innocent children.”

~Jane Howard~

Sunshine

2011-06-28T09:07:00.000-05:00

I love John Denver. There, I said it. I also like Barry Manilow and the Carpenters! It's not an aging thing, I've liked all kinds of music for most of my life. I get the John Denver, Barry Manilow gene from my mom, I get a country gene from my dad (who knew a guy born and raised in NYC of Irish descent would be such a Country music fan?) and I probably get my love of hard rock and metal from my older brother who introduced me to it at a very young age.

But on a day like today, in which the sun is shining, the sky is blue and there is just the slightest breeze, only one voice can evoke in me a feeling of what it means to be alive on such a perfect day, and that man is John Denver.

Enjoy!

Sister Wives vs. Duggars

2011-06-24T22:52:00.003-05:00

I hate to admit it, but I have a fascination with some weirdly religious reality shows. While I can't stand the likes of Jersey Shore or any of those "Housewives", give me the weirdly religious and I am all over it.

Sister Wives, if you haven't seen it, is about, well Sister Wives. Four women married to one man. One man with four wives. Plural marriage. At first I was sure I would hate this show, I watched the first episode only out of morbid curiosity. How could those women possibly share their man? Sloppy seconds anyone, ewww!

But after watching a few times, (it's kind of like a train wreck, hard to look away), I've actually come to like them. And the most surprising development.....I no longer judge them. I had expected them to be overly religious, for the wives to be brain-washed, for the children to be controlled , etc, etc. I was pleasantly surprised that none of that seems to be the case. The wives all knew what they were getting into and chose this lifestyle for themselves. The children, while not choosing this lifestyle but being born into it, certainly are free to speak their minds and have the freedom and ability to leave this lifestyle behind, should they choose to, as adults. And they are surprisingly normal kids. They dress normally, have cell phones, watch TV, and are, wow, just like normal kids. Not like those cult polygamists, with their long dresses and weird hair, as seen on TV, being raided in Texas a few years back. They weren't like those people at all.

Now I realize comparing the Duggar's and the Sister Wives is kind of like comparing apples to oranges, but since both claim to do what they do out of a religious conviction, I think the comparison is fair. Plus they both chose to have reality shows, so they are fair game.

The Duggar's TV show is called "19 Kids and Counting". I think it was originally called "16 Kids and Counting", but that was 3 kids ago.......keep up!

I have written about the Duggar's on several other occasions, here and here.

If you have been living in a cave, the Duggar's show is about a conservative Christian family that believes one should continue to spawn until the woman's uterus falls out. OK, to be fair, that was my description, not theirs. I guess they would consider themselves, Quiverfull. (click on it if you don't know what it means).

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar share their home with 18 of their 19 children. Oldest Josh has married and just had baby #2 with wife Anna. He was well prepared to move on and start his own quiverfull brood.

My problem with the Duggar's is that the kids in this family are given no voice, and the actions of the parents do indeed affect the children. In the Duggar family the older children are expected to help with the younger. Jim Bob and Michelle just keep spittin' em out, and the older girls will just pick up the slack. One Mother cannot mother 19 children. So if she didn't employ these older children to help, (and not just with childcare, with cooking and cleaning and homeschooling, etc, ad nauseum) it just wouldn't get done. The girls particularly in the Duggar home are at such a disadvantage. They are being raised under Patriarchy, they cannot wear pants, or swimsuits, or think for themselves. They will never have a career. They are being raised to be breeders, because that's all they know. If you read any of my older Duggar posts, you will learn all you need to know about why the Duggar lifestyle is not good for girls.

So that bring me back to my comparison. Two religious families, both living outside of what most of us consider "normal". (I live outside of "normal" most of the time too, so that is not a judgment).

Before I began watching either show, I presumed I would have disdain for both of them. I planned to watch and judge and wonder "How can they live that way". But now, I don't have judgment or disdain for either. I am amazed at how accepting I feel of the Sister Wives. It is their life, they are hurting no one, live and let live. It certainly isn't a life for me (although at times the thought of another woman sharing my home and being here to pass off the dinner making or laundry pile is appealing. But sorry, no husband sharing, that still brings out an "ewww" in me). While I don't judge the Duggar's either, I do feel sadness for them. Particularly the daughters. They just won't ever get to appreciate all that life has to offer them. Their roles have been decided for them since birth. And none of them will ever get to fully understand what it means to have an attentive parent. Two parents just cannot give to 19 children what they might have been able to give to 3 or 4. If Jim Bob were to bring in a few more wives, maybe those daughters could get a break and those kids could get a little more mothering.

Maybe it's time for a crossover episode. Better put my call into TLC.

"You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist."

~Friedrich Nietzsche~

Perfect Childhood?

2011-01-05T21:23:00.000-06:00

Is there such a thing as a "perfect childhood"? Is it possible to raise children who don't look back as adults and wish they had been raised differently? I don't think so.

Maybe some think their childhood was ok, maybe some think it was great, but I have never known an adult who didn't wish maybe something was different growing up. Maybe it's in our wiring to never be completely happy, maybe we are always looking for something better, but whatever it is, I think striving to give our kids the "perfect childhood" with the hope that they will look back with stars in their eyes and nothing but wonderment is a waste of time.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't think we as parents should slack off and not care about how we raise our children. I still think we should love them like crazy and do our best, but I do think some of us need to surrender the idea that our kids might not hate us when they grow up (if they don't already hate us now!) Of course I don't mean hate in that they'll kill us while we sleep, I mean hate as in they wish we had done things differently.

I know many will disagree with me, and a few years ago I would have disagreed with myself. I thought, a few years back, that I was doing such a bang up job that there was no way I was going to turn out kids who had nothing bad to say about their upbringing, hahahahaha. I was so delusional then!

When I became a mom I looked back on my childhood before I decided how I wanted to raise my children. Of course I wanted to raise my girls completely opposite of how I was raised, because I thought my childhood sucked. Overall I think I had a crappier than normal childhood. My parents were pretty dysfunctional, selfish, and didn't really seem to like having kids. As I have gotten older, had kids of my own, spoken with other adults about their childhood, I have come to realize my parents did close to the best they could for the time. (Notice I said "close", because I do think if they had actually put a little thought into the job, they could have done better). Both of my parents' came from childhoods way worse than mine, so if anything, they did do better in that mine was better than theirs. Plus, 40+ years ago, parents didn't really analyze their parenting like we do now. They didn't put thought into it, they just did it.

So with that as my background, I put a lot of thought into my parenting. Everything I have done in regards to raising my girls was thought out beforehand. I chose to attachment parent and co-sleep, I chose Montessori, I chose homeschooling and then unschooling. And I chose religion. Each one of those things was mulled over very carefully before proceeding. I read a lot of books, I sought out what I thought was sage advice, and I tried to make decisions that I thought would be the best in the long term.

And yet, now I have teens who look back on their childhoods and wonder "why"? Why did I make them go to "that church", why didn't I let them go to school, why this, why that? They aren't happy with a lot of the decisions I made, and looking back, I am not happy with a lot of the decisions I made.

But what I have come to realize is that being a parent doesn't make us a god. I was learning right along with my girls. I had to learn to be a mom, I had to learn who these little beings were. I could only do for them what I thought was best based on my own experiences. But I soon learned they weren't little Me's, and what was best for me wasn't necessarily best for them. And unfortunately a lot of those lessons were learned by trial and error. I did a lot of things that I thought was good for them, that now in hindsight I realize wasn't.

I can't change the past. So I don't mourn it. Because I know I did the best I knew how. And I'm not done. My girls are teens, we're still growing together. I may be an adult, but I am still growing and learning too. And I think they forgive me, because I think they know my intentions were pure. But it still doesn't change the fact that in spite of my intentions, I think my girls still wish things had been different. And even if they had been different, and I had chosen a completely different path in raising them, maybe they wouldn't have liked that one either. I can only hope, that in the future, when they have children of their own, they'll realize being a parent isn't such an easy job and maybe they'll realize I did the best I knew how to do.

"You know, the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any."

~ Bill Cosby~

Happy New Year!

2011-01-03T20:47:00.001-06:00

Yes, I am aware it is January 3rd and I am a little late. But at least it's still January!

So Thanksgiving whizzed by, as did Christmas. Time seems to be a blur sometimes, holidays the blurriest of times. Looking back I realize I really am seeing my life flash before my eyes. My eldest will 16 next month, my youngest 14. She'll start high school next fall. How the heck did all these years get past me?

One of my resolutions for this year to be more present. For myself in my own life, for my kids, for my husband. I need to focus on the now, or I will again end up in some future present wondering how I got there. and forgetting a lot of things that happened along the way because I was just going through the motions.

I remember when I was back in high school, (way too many years ago), and we used to wonder what it would be like in the year 2000. "Oh we'll be 32 then", we'd squeal to each other, like that was so old! When one is 16 it is hard to imagine 32. But when one is approaching 43, 32 is but a memory.

I've heard it said many times, by many people, "The older one gets the quicker it goes" and it is true. I realize my life is probably more than 1/2 over. Will I reach 86? Neither of my parents did, only 1 grandparent lived past 80.

I have decided this will be my quote for the year:

“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.” ~Buddha

What do I want to do with the 2nd half of my life? I have a better idea of who I am now. I like myself, more now, than I probably ever did. (Not physically necessarily, but who I am, inside.)

The thoughts are swirling in my head again. Another resolution is to get to this blog more often and get these thoughts onto "paper" if for no one but me. Writing helps me think things through, it helps me remember, and maybe it can bring others wisdom. Or it can be a legacy to my kids. It will be 3 years in April since I started this blog. I have recorded some stories from my past, I have ranted about things that I am passionate about about, I have written about things that have hurt me. I also realize, looking back, that I have changed in the last 3 years. I think I've mellowed, I think I have become more accepting of myself and others, and hopefully, I think I have become kinder.

The Traveling Wilbury's put it well in "End of the Line":

"Well it's all right, even if you're old and grey
Well it's all right, you still got something to say
Well it's all right, remember to live and let live
Well it's all right, the best you can do is forgive"

Religion Again?

2010-11-17T13:55:00.002-06:00

Yes that title reflects how I feel. I am so sick of thinking and talking and writing about religion, but now that I have removed myself from "religious" life, I am bombarded daily with the hypocrisy and hate of it all.

Disclaimer: I still believe in God, still pretty sure about Jesus, still reading and exploring and praying and deciding. So I have not become an atheist.

But oy vey, I am fed up to my eyeballs with do-gooder, self righteous Christians who think their way is the only way.

I never considered myself to be an overly intellectual person. I think I am smart, I think I can figure things out, I have a brain and I know how to use it. But I didn't go to college and get a fancy degree. Most of the stuff I know, I know because I sought the knowledge. So it always makes me curious how so many people can fall hook, line and sinker for half the stuff told to them in church. I can admit, I did fall hook and line for a while. But I always held a little doubt (sinker) in my head. Sometimes things felt fishy, sometimes they felt wrong. Sometimes they didn't make sense. So I didn't just close my mind and believe. Well, sometimes I tried to, but I always had the nagging doubt that something didn't add up. Which I suppose is why in the end it made it easy to leave church. God gave me a brain, and I use it.

My eldest daughter recently joined a club at school called The Gay-Straight Alliance. It's purpose is to foster friendship and understanding between gay and straight students. It is supposed to be a safe place for the gay students to go and feel like they can be themselves. It is not a club about sex or a place for gay students to sway their straight peers (as many would like to believe). It's actually just a social club, a place for the kids to hang out together and organize community service events. Recently the club helped out at the schools showing of The Laramie Project. It was during a question and answer after the play that the audience was made aware of the fact that the school will not allow the club to advertise itself in school. Seems the word "gay" is off limits. So I wrote a letter to the editor of my local paper. (It's the comments to the letter and some other comments heard by people that have set me off.)

What is it about gay people that brings such hatred out of Christians? What makes them so afraid? Do they think it's contagious? Do they think gay people eat small children and kittens? Why can't Christians just live out their own lives and let other people live theirs?

Isn't anyone other than me tired of Christians constantly butting into everyone else's lives? They are not the only people on this planet. I know they'd like to be, I know they think they have a mandate from God to make sure they are, but newsflash, there are plenty of other people who believe just as strongly in what their God says, or believe they have no God to tell them what to do and don't they deserve to just live their life in peace? Believe me, there is no one in America who has never heard of God, so since they have all heard the "good news" isn't it time to leave them the hell alone?

I am all for freedom of religion, I am all for anyone going to whatever church they like and worshiping however they like and living their life and raising their kids in whatever holy way they'd like. What I am entirely sick of is people trying force other people to live their way of life.

We are all here for such a really short time. We all are just muddling through, trying to find our place, our purpose. No one knows anyone else's story. No one else EVER has the right to judge another's path, and certainly no one has the right to get into someones face and tell them their path is wrong. If all the religious zealots were really following their religions, they would know the greatest commandment is to love. Come on people, let's just love on each other.

"The day will come when, after harnessing the winds, the tides and gravitation, we shall harness for God the energies of Love. And on that day, for the second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire." ~ Teilhard de Chardin

Christians and "Christians"

2010-08-14T11:00:00.002-05:00

Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion - several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight. He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother's path to happiness and heaven.

~Mark Twain~

A little background: I grew up Catholic. Born, baptised, reconciled, communed, confirmed, Catholic. Cradle Catholic as many like to call us. Back then, Catholics didn't read the bible, they didn't do much other than show up for church on Sunday. So by the time I was 16 or so, I was done with Catholicism and most religion. I went through the motions when my girls were born, had them baptised Catholic, to save their souls and all that. But around 1999, I started hanging with "Christians".

Catholics like to call themselves Christians, but over time I have come to see that there are Christians and there are "Christians" and never the twain shall meet. They are just two different animals. I have decided that Christians are the normal, everyday folk, who believe in God, believe in Jesus, go to church on Sunday, but live in and with the rest of the world. "Christians" on the other hand, are those who go to church as many days during the weeks as possible, go to every church retreat, every church event, and try to mingle with "others" as little as possible. People outside the church are "scary", threatening, not like them.

When I started hanging out with "Christians" I got sucked into all things "Christian". I decided to homeschool my girls to save them from the evil public schoolers (actually, homeschooling become unschooling which became a "good thing" but I digress). I became obsessed with shielding my children from all the "worldly" things that might harm them. TV, music, who their friends were all had to be carefully evaluated to make sure it was what God would want for my children. I even made them skip Halloween for a few years. Something my children never let me forget.

In recent years we've been involved in a Christian homeschooling cooperative. The hypocrisy I have seen there has been amazing. These people, who profess love in their hearts for all, have really shown themselves to be the most judgmental people I have even known. I never saw judgment much until I became a "Christian". It's one thing as a Christian to believe Christianity is the way, quite another to think your own version of "Christianity" is the only way. Who knew there was so much division just among "Christians"? It isn't enough to be a believer, one must believe a certain way. Every denomination seems to think they have the lock on the "truth". They also believe they get to judge how our children dress, how much make-up they wear and whether or not they should be allowed to date or (gasp) have a boyfriend!

I've grown tired of it. I've grown tired of trying to see where I fit into the puzzle that is Christianity. When we as a family were actually going to church, a "Christian" church, we didn't necessarily believe everything being taught. When we spoke to some other members about this dilemma, we were told that most people don't believe everything taught in a specific church, one was supposed to take the good and discard the bad. We were told we'd never find a "perfect" church. HUH? At the time I didn't think much about that statement, but looking back, I think why go somewhere if you don't agree with what is being taught?

Since leaving our former church, I have considered going back to the Catholic church. But I can't. The patriarchal attitude is more than I can take, and I don't want my girls growing up under patriarchy. And the more I research other churches, the more I realize I just don't think I will fit in anywhere. I just have too many disagreements with what they believe, and I don't want to go to a church and have to pick and choose, again, what I believe in.

Anne Rice, the author, recently announced she was quitting Christianity. She just can't reconcile what she believes (and she believes in God, Jesus and the Bible) and what the churches teach. So she's given up on church. I think I need to give up on church too. I haven't given up on God, or Jesus. But I am giving up on church. There is too much falsehood, too much hypocrisy, too much judgement, too many cliques, too much prying into my life at church. I have been happier since leaving church, surprisingly enough. Since I stopped my quest of feeling like I "have" to go to church, that I "have" to be in community, blah, blah, blah, I feel less stressed, more free to be me. And I think God is ok with it too.

Not all religion is to be found in the church, any more than all knowledge is found in the classroom.

~Author Unknown~

Everyday people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

~Lennie Bruce~

A New Look

2010-08-09T15:07:00.000-05:00

If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies.

~Author Unknown~

Regular readers, don't be alarmed! You have come to the right blog : ) I decided to change things up a bit.

I am not much of a computer geek. I need specific, easy instructions when I want to do anything on the computer. So my blog has looked the same for the last few years, because I have no skills when it comes to customizing things on the internet.

But recently blogger added some new, easy to make templates for blogs. After a little playing around I decided to go with a calming, water theme. I still consider myself a fiery woman, and believe me, lots of things can get me fired up. But I have decided I need some calm in my life, and nothing calms me like water. I love to stare at water, listen to water and be in water. And since I live in northern IL, and there isn't an ocean anywhere near me, my blog will have to do.
So let me know what you think. Do you like the changes? Does it make it easier or harder to read? I know I have been a bit negligent of my blog lately, but I always have some good thoughts swirling in my head, I just need to schedule the time to get my thoughts down on "paper".

For whatever we lose (like a you or a me),
It's always our self we find in the sea.
~e.e. cummings

Parenting 101

2010-07-21T20:34:00.000-05:00

A good friend of mine wrote a speech for a class she took while getting her psychology degree (she just graduated with her Bachelor's degree, congrats Jody). I had lunch with her today to discuss the "joys" of raising teenagers. She thought I might find her speech enlightening, and has given me permission to share it here, so that I may enlighten others. (May you all feel enlightened ; )

Parenting 101

This speech is intended for parents and future parents of all ages. Those of you who have decided not to have children, you are very wise and should be revered by all. I suggest complete abstinence from sex for the rest of your lives (don't take any chances.)

1. For those of you who are not yet parents - DON'T DO IT!

2. For parent's of young children - enjoy it while you can. You have no idea what you're in for (you fools!)

3. For parents of teenagers - God help you. You have my sympathies.

4. For parents of adults - HOW THE HELL DID YOU SURVIVE?

I feel it is my duty to bring to light some common misconceptions about proper parenting (pun intended).

(1.) The first 5 years of a child's life are the most critical years in personality development. If you are an attentive and conscientious parents during this period of time, you will produce well adjusted, happy teenagers.

TRUTH - It doesn't really matter what you do because all teenagers will have their heads up their asses and will drive you to drink, so you might as well start drinking now and enjoy the ride.

(2.) Teach your children responsibility by requiring them to go to school, do their homework and do simple chores around the house. This will teach them a good work ethic and to be proud of a job well done.

TRUTH - You are just wasting your time bitching and nagging at them. They will turn on you like dogs when they are teenagers, and there is nothing on earth you can do to make them do their homework, including pleading, bribery, water torture and beating the crap out of them. Go have a drink instead.

(3.) Give your children something to believe in. Teach them your faith and bring them to church or temple or whatever you believe in, regularly. Being part of a religious community gives children a sense of belonging and teaches them good morals and values.

TRUTH - They won't hear a single word of any sermons at church in all the years you bring them there. When they are 6 they will think Jesus is Santa Claus. When they are 10 they will tell the Sunday School teacher, "My mom yells at my dad all the time." When they are 14 they will get caught smoking in the church parking lot, and when they are 17 they will tell you that God is a figment of your imagination anyway, and you will believe them. Screw it. Go out drinking on Saturday nights and stay in bed nursing your hangover on Sunday mornings instead of dragging those unwilling brats to church every frigging week.

(4.) Set a good example for your children. Children learn by observing those around them. If you want your children to grow up and be responsible citizens, then you must act responsibly.

TRUTH - Your teenagers don't want to be like you! They want to be ANYTHING but you! They will walk through fire to get AWAY from you. If you want them to be respectful, responsible human beings, then you should do the OPPOSITE! Go ahead.....be a big loser! You will be doing your children a favor in the long run. Here are some suggestions:

1. Get arrested

2. Lose your job

3. Be promiscuous

4. Do drugs

5. Lie. Chest. Steal.

6. And most importantly - drink heavily.

Thank you for listening. I feel I have performed a great service to society by dispelling these myths and I urge you to do the same, saving thousands of unsuspecting, would-be parents from lives of disillusionment.

For those with young children: I am aware of your superior attitude because I used to have it. I looked with disdain at my neighbor's children running around outside in their underwear and cowboy boots, while their mother sipped a margarita on her back deck. I was SURE that my children would NEVER act like that. I WAS WRONG! Now I'm downing tequila straight from the bottle while my children are running around on college campuses doing God Knows What, wearing God Knows What, only calling home when they need money. I should have started drinking long ago.

~Jody Powers

Parenting Teens

2010-07-18T00:52:00.005-05:00

“Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.”

~Anne Frank~

I used to judge parents. I used to be the one, when my girls were little, who would sit on the park bench while my darling little daughters played, as sweet little girls do, and look at other people's children and marvel at how well behaved my mine were in comparison. I used to wonder what was wrong with those parents, how come they had such awful kids. I used to see friends or acquaintances who had messed up teens. Granted I didn't have teens yet, but oh how I stood in judgment of those parents. The things they must have done wrong in raising their kids, those terrible teens, rebellious, outcasts, always in trouble. Those terrible parents, they did such an awful job of parenting.

Now that I have teens: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! The joke is now on me!

I have now repented of my past thoughts. Oh how easy it is to stand in judgment until you have walked in another's shoes.

Sure I still think how we parent affects our kids. But I no longer think I have complete control over how my kids will turn out. They are individuals, each one completely different. They have their own way of viewing the world and how they see themselves in it. It is amazing when you have more than one child to see how different they are. Usually you have parented them both the same. Sure birth order affects some of how we parent, but for the most part, unless you blatantly favor one child over another, they were raised in the same house, shouldn't they be similar? Not always.

I never thought I'd have teen issues. (I know, am I completely naive/stupid/ignorant/arrogant or what?) I thought because I was raising my kids in a home of mutual respect, where I tried to always hear my kids side of things, where I often changed my mind on things after hearing their opinion, where I thought we had complete and total communication, that I wouldn't have teen issues. Teens only acted out when they weren't heard/understood/cared for. I did/do all of those things for my kids. Surely they wouldn't go through any teen angst stuff. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. I'm laughing so hard to keep from crying.

This parenting thing is hard. I never really thought it would be easy. I remember when I had my eldest daughter. She was about 3 weeks old. I was tired/overwhelmed/feeling a bit post-partum and my mother came to visit. I was crying to my mom that I didn't know what I was doing, how hard this baby thing was, and that maybe I should have stuck with cats (I am serious cat person : ) Sometimes I still feel that way.

Of course I love my daughters dearly and wouldn't trade them for cats any day. But in my naivety I thought each stage would get easier. Hahahahahahahahahhaha (there I go laughing to keep from crying again). It was physically hard on me when they were young. I got very little sleep, always felt like I needed to "do" for them, be it feeding, bathing, changing, etc. It would get emotionally hard when I was exhausted, especially when I felt like I had no support or because I had to do everything myself. But it wasn't emotionally hard in that I had to deal with their emotions. It wasn't emotionally hard because they were breaking my heart. Now that I am parenting teens, it is no longer physically hard, but it is emotionally hard. Teenagers rip your heart from your chest.

I remember being a teen. I am not one of those parents who has completely forgotten her childhood/teen years and parent from a place of "do as I say not as I do". I was a horrible teen. I remember it vividly. Granted my parents were no "parents of the year" and they had big issues of their own which didn't translate into parenting well, but looking back I know they did the best they could. I suffered from terrible angst, although I only really showed it at home. I was bitchy and moody. All the time. I was rebellious and all that entails. I remember once my mother telling me she couldn't wait until I had teenagers of my own. Well mom, I know you aren't here to see it, but you must be smirking in heaven, because it seems you have gotten your wish, I have teenagers!

I love my girls, I really do. I wouldn't trade this life for anything. I'd lay down my life for them. And some days are wonderful, we are good friends and able to hang out and have fun and talk. Just what I dreamed my life with my daughters would be like. Then other days, {shudder}, it's like they were abducted by aliens overnight and are no longer my children. Those days are hard. They make me question everything I have ever done since they were born. Those days make me long for when they were toddlers, oblivious to the influences of the world. Just warm little bundles of joy, who just wanted to curl up in mama's lap. I know I can't go back in time and I really don't want to. I look forward to watching them grow up and become young women who have lots to offer this world. And I know they have lots to offer. I know they can make a difference in this world. If they can only survive these teen years. Terrible two's? Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! They ain't got nothing on the terrible teens!

"can't you see that you're smothering me
holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
cause everything that you thought i would be
has fallen apart right in front of you"

~Linkin Park -

"Numb"~

Stop Being Mean to Your Kids!!!!!!!

2010-06-21T09:50:00.001-05:00

“Feelings are real and legitimate; children behave and misbehave for a reason, even if adults cannot figure it out.”

So I was in Kohl's last week. Casually browsing through the men's Hawaiian shirts, trying to find the perfect shirt for Father's Day. It was early, 10:30 am, and the store was not yet crowded, so I was alone in the menswear dept. And then I heard it, a small child, crying/whining "But I'm tired!" And then I heard the mom say in her meanest voice ever "THERE ARE NO CARTS WITH SEATS! YOU HAVE TO WALK!!!!!!!".

The voices got louder, I knew they were heading my way, but still could not see this little family amongst all the racks of clothing. The girl kept crying "Mama, I'm tired!" The mom kept bitching "You are 3 years old! You have legs and can WALK!"

Finally they walked past where I was perusing my shirts. All single file. First the mom, mid 30's probably, looking very stern. Then the 3 year old, just a tiny thing, all hunched over, dragging her feet, rubbing her eyes. Crying. Then a third person, another girl, probably 7 or 8, walking along not saying a peep, just looking sad.

I wanted to pick up the 3 year old and give her a little squeeze and tell her "I know you are tired, I'm sorry your mom dragged you to this store". But I just kept looking at my shirts, and cringing every time this mom yelled at her 3 year old for being tired. I wanted to tell this mom that her time with her 3 year old will be over in a flash, and that her daughter was the most precious thing right now, not shopping, and that she should pick her up and give her a squeeze, and then maybe she'd more happily walk along. Or if she was really tired (I know my toddlers often woke up at 5-6am!), how hard would it be to carry her along, this was a tiny 3 year old, not a big hulking one.

But I said nothing. I don't think if I had it would have been well received. The older girl seemed sad, either the mom had been bitching at her kids all morning, or she just wasn't an overall nice mom. Seems the older daughter had already learned the drill, keep your emotions hidden, don't voice your concerns. Just follow along and tow the line. Sad really.

I see this too often. Parent's dragging their kids here and there, the kids are tired, the parent's are yelling at them. Why does a child deserve to be yelled at for being tired and sharing their feelings? This is why kids shut down and learn not to feel. They have been raised by people who don't honor them, or their feelings or care about what they think. This is why people eat too much and smoke and drink and do drugs and shop, etc. They were taught to shut off their emotions as kids, to stay out of trouble or to avoid being yelled at. If you have lost touch with your emotions, you don't know who you are or what you are feeling. If you don't know those things, you look for outside things to make you feel better.

I'm no shrink, but I have been there. I was often told as a child what to feel. If I cried I was told not to cry. If I was slapped and cried I was told it didn't hurt. If something happened I was told it wasn't as bad as I was making it out to be.

No one knows what someone else is feeling and no one else has the right to tell someone else how to feel. EVER!

Even a 3 year old knows what they feel. Until someone bigger and stronger tells them, over and over, that they aren't feeling what they think they are. Then they begin to question themselves, until they no longer feel.

Wake up parents!

"Feelings are everywhere - be gentle."

Rebel, rebellious, rebellion

2010-06-14T09:53:00.003-05:00

There are many definitions of "rebel" on the web. The two that most fit my take on the word are:

break with established customs
maverick: someone who exhibits great independence in thought and action

Then we can move onto "rebellious":

resisting control or authority;
disaffected: discontented as toward authority

And lastly we have "rebellion":

refusal to accept some authority or code or convention; "each generation must have its own rebellion";
organized opposition to authority;

I bring up these words because I have always been a rebellious sort. Maybe I get it from my Irish side (paternal grandfather, he was in the IRA), or the bit of Scottish in me (maternal grandfather) but it seems I have rebellion in my blood. I have never been one to go with the flow or follow "normal" societal conventions.

I don't believe there is one "correct" way to do something, and I don't believe there is anything wrong with questioning "authority". I am who I am, I am who God made me to be. I may rub people the wrong way, I may seem "too big for my britches" at times. Some have called me loud, some have called me obnoxious. Some would like to "put me in my place" I am sure. But sometimes someone has to speak up and challenge conventions. I guess sometimes I think that someone is me.

Has it gotten me into trouble? Certainly. Has it changed my position, no.

I could list all the rebellious things I have done in my life, but that really isn't the point of this post. I found a quote by Steve Jobs that kind of sums it all up for me:

“Here's to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes... the ones who see things differently -- they're not fond of rules... You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can't do is ignore them because they change things... they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.”

Steve Jobs

Losing Myself

2010-06-05T21:03:00.003-05:00

I started thinking the other day about who I am. I know all the labels people can put on me: I was a daughter (both of my parents are now dead, so I am a parent-less daughter now), a sister, an aunt, a mother, a wife etc. Those are words that describe me, but they don't define me. I don't want to be defined by labels or categories or boxes that others can put me in.

I started thinking back to my youth and what I wanted to "be". When I was growing up, kids were always striving to "be" something. It wasn't enough to just be a kid or a teen, it was all about what you were going to "be" when you grew up. I remember wanting to be a model. What girl didn't want to be a model in the early 80's, the heyday of supermodel-ism? Although I have (had) a pretty face, I knew my Irish "potato pickers" legs would never get me a cover shoot, so I moved on to wanting to be an actress. I was in some school plays, and I was pretty interested in the acting thing for while, but reality set in (and lack of encouragement from my parents) brought me back to reality. By junior year of high school I was thinking about being a photographer. (I am sensing a theme here; I think I wanted a career with excitement and adventure.) My grades weren't great, I hated school, so my parents weren't willing to help me pay for photography school. (I wanted to go to Columbia, in Chicago, I could have lived at home and commuted to cut costs, but that's a whole other story). Suffice it to say, none of those dreams ever panned out. I considered becoming a paralegal at one point, but again, no money for school, and with my grades, no scholarships were forthcoming.

So I went to work. I had been working since age 14, various jobs, fast food, a laundromat, cleaning offices, finally retail. But after I graduated high school, I needed full time employment as I wanted to get of my parents house. (Another long story for another time).

So working full time, paying for an apartment and car, finally meeting a man, moving in with him and getting pregnant, then married, then I wake up one day at 42 and realize I lost myself.

I'm not unhappy with how my life turned out, I love my husband, I love my daughters. I have been happy being a mom, and I have learned a lot about myself, what my strengths (and weaknesses) are through being a wife and mother. But now that my girls are getting a little older, and I too am getting older, I have been thinking about the rest of my life. Is it too late to re-visit those old dreams? Do I even want to do those things anymore? Who am I outside of the wife and mother role? I still wonder what I want to be when I grow up.

Some days I am content to putter around the house and just continue on with the status quo, other days I feel like I was meant for so much more, that I should be contributing to the world in a more meaningful way. I just don't know what that is yet. I wish I could sit on a mountain for a while, and maybe the gods would speak to me and point me in the right direction. (Although in reality, I'd much prefer to sit under a palm tree and stare at the ocean for a while).

I think I may be going through a mid-life crisis. Although crisis isn't really the right word. It's soul searching. Searching for meaning in my life and in this crazy world we live in. If I find it I'll let you know.

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~Anaïs Nin~

Religions of the World

2010-03-24T20:26:00.001-05:00

Courtesy of my daughter : )

More Irishness, in honor of the Holiday!

2010-03-15T17:43:00.003-05:00

What It Means To Be Irish:

1) You will never play professional basketball.
2) You swear very well.
3) At least one of your cousins is a fireman, cop, bar owner, funeral home owner or holds political office.
4) You think you sing very well.
5) You have no idea how to make a long story short!
6) There isn't a big difference between you losing your temper or killing someone...
7) Much of your childhood meals were boiled.
8) You have never hit your head on a ceiling.
9) You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling in prayer (ya know ya were thinkin' about being badwhether ya did it or not).
10) You're strangely poetic after a few beers.
11) You are, therefore, poetic a lot.
12) You will be punched for no good reason...a lot.
13) Some punches directed at you are from legacies of past generations.
14) Many of your sisters and/or cousins are named Mary, Catherine or Eileen...and there is at least one member of
your family with the full name of Mary Catherine Eileen.
15) Someone in your family is incredibly cheap. It is more than likely you.
16) You may not know the words, but that doesn't stop you from singing.
17) You can't wait for the other guy to stop talking before you start talking.
18) You're not nearly as funny as you think you are...but what you lack in talent, you make up for in frequency.
19) There wasn't a huge difference between your last Wake and your last keg party.
20) You are, or know someone, named Murph.
21) If you don't know Murph then you know Mac. If you don't know Murph or Mac then you know Sully.
Then you probably know Sully MacMurphy.
22) You are genetically incapable of keeping a secret.
23) You have Irish Alzheimer's... your forget everything but the grudges!
24) "Irish Stew" is a euphemism for "boiled leftovers."
25) All of your losses are alcohol related (loss of virginity, loss of drivers license, loss of money, loss of job,loss of significant other, loss of teeth from punch...) but it never stops you from drinking.

I didn't write this, but I can admit, some of these fit me!

Sunday Funny

2010-03-14T18:33:00.001-05:00

A man walked into the lingerie department of Dunnes in Dublin and said to the woman behind the counter, "I'd like to buy a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B."

What type of bra? asked the clerk. "Baptist" said the man. She said get a Baptist bra, and that you'd know what she meant."

"Ah yes, now I remember" said the saleslady. "We don't sell many of those. Mostly our customers want the Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, or the Presbyterian type.

"Confused the man asked, "What's the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple; the Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright. Then there's the Baptist type."

"What does that do?" asked the man.

She replied, "It makes mountains out of molehills."

Family Tree

2010-03-09T16:07:00.006-06:00

In all of us there is a hunger, marrow deep, to know our heritage - to know who we are and where we came from. Without this enriching knowledge, there is a hollow yearning. No matter what our attainments in life, there is still a vacuum, an emptiness, and the most disquieting loneliness.
~Alex Haley~

I hope to write a series of blog posts about my family tree, at least what I know so far. I think it'll be good to get the information and stories out of my head and on "paper" for future generations. Today I am starting with my dad's side:

I was born in NYC, Manhattan to be exact. Same as my father. We lived in an apartment, I talked about it here. My dad's parents (my grandparents) lived in the apartment building next door. (Not where my dad grew up, but he still was born and raised in Manhattan). My grandmother Frances Clarke (Nanny) was Irish, but was born and had grown up in England, my grandfather, Thomas Cox (Pa) had grown up in Ireland, so they both had accents. I didn't think much of their accents, as living in NYC many people had accents.

The story, as I had always heard it growing up, was that Pa was coming from Ireland to America and Nanny was coming from England. They met on the boat and by the time they got to America, they were in love. The real story, which came out after both grandparents had died, was that Nanny got pregnant while they were on the boat, (guess there wasn't much to do on boats back then, especially if you were in steerage), so they had to get married. That baby ended up dying a few months after birth, he would've been my Uncle John, my dad was born 13 years later.

My dad didn't talk to much of his childhood. I know it was hard. I know they were poor, but most Irish were back then, especially in the big cities. The neighborhood my parents grew up in was mostly Irish and Italian, and poor, so everyone was in the same boat.

Pa held a variety of jobs over his lifetime. He was a milkman for a while (drove a milk truck) and was a member of the Teamsters. In his later years he worked for the Port Authority in NYC. It's what he did before coming to America that he was most proud of. He was a member of the IRA, the Irish Republican Army. He told us that he was one of the first members of the IRA. He was the youngest of 12 children, and there wasn't much to do in Ireland if you weren't the first born son (and inherit the land and farm) or a daughter who would be married off, so for a teenage boy, the IRA was it. I don't know what he did as an IRA member or what happened to him other than one story he used to tell us: After he had been with the organization for a while, and had done whatever they told them him to do, the Black and Tans came for him one night. He was asleep in his bed, and they dragged him away from his home. He said they tortured him for information, of which he said he had none. He thought they were going to kill him, but they didn't. After a very long night they let him go. He had nightmares for most of the rest of his life after that. He never told my dad any details, and he never told us kids any. It's kind of a shame really, so much history, such much information, lost forever. My grandfather wasn't a very nice man, he wasn't good to my father and he was very stern with us, his grand kids. I often wondered if he was always that way or if he was a product of his circumstances, the things that had been done to him.

In recent years I have begun exploring my family tree. I have limited information, I know who my great grandparents were, but barring a trip back to Ireland, I'm not sure how to get more information. Yes the Internet is a wonderful thing, but unless someone, somewhere, put that information on the Internet, it isn't there for my grabbing. My grandfather told us the birth records were kept in the Catholic churches, and many of those churches were burned to the ground during all the years of trouble with the British. So our record might not be there at all. I do know my grandfather had a sister who came to the states when he was a baby, and she died before he ever came here, so he never knew her. I never had first cousins, both of my parents were only children, but I do remember a 2nd cousin, who was my age, that I knew when we lived in NYC. My parents never fostered an interest in us keeping up with our relatives. After we moved to the Midwest when I was 8, we lost most contact with those relatives. I find it sad, and now it makes it that much harder to find these people who share my gene pool, my heritage.

This is what I know about my paternal grandparents: My grandfather was born Thomas Francis Cox, June 15th, 1902. His fathers name was John Cox and his mothers name was Bridget Devine. My paternal grandmother was born Frances Clarke, June 13th 1908. Her parents were Francis Clarke and Margaret LaVelle.

I plan to write more of their stories and delve into my mothers side in upcoming posts. More to come............

When anyone asks me about the Irish character, I say look at the trees. Maimed, stark and misshapen, but ferociously tenacious.
~Edna O'Brien~

To live in hearts we leave behind, Is not to die.
~Thomas Campbell~

March

2010-03-02T17:02:00.006-06:00

"A light exists in Spring
Not present in the year
at any other period
When March is scarcely here."
~ Emily Dickinson~

How can it be so, March is here. I feel like it has taken forever coming, and yet so long. My last quick stop here was on Christmas Day. I have fallen into the horrible winter doldrums ever since. Moping around the house, dreading winters snow and chill. Becoming more and more slug like as the days dragged on.

But alas, it is March! Spring, right around the corner. And with that head knowledge, somehow my body also knows it. I have a bit more energy, look a little more forward to the morning and the coming day. Relish in the sun streaming in my windows, and melting the snow outside them.

Spring, spring, I am so happy to see you. Sunlight and longer days where have you been? My mental and physical health depend on the warmth and sunshine. I am but a shriveled weed without them.

I am committing myself today to embrace the coming months, to get outside and appreciate the sun and fresh, warm air when it is here. And to my blog, that I have neglected for too many cold, dreary months. Whereas most people might be inspired to write while cooped up inside, for me it is the opposite, I need happiness and joy, brought by the sun, to release my inner thoughts.

Spring and summer, those are the months I thrive in. I am happy that they are almost here!

"Winds of March, we welcome you,
There is work for you to do.
Work and play and blow all day,
Blow the Winter wind away."

March bustles in on windy feet
And sweeps my doorstep and my street.
She washes and cleans with pounding rains,
Scrubbing the earth of winter stains.
She shakes the grime from carpet green
Till naught but fresh new blades are seen.
Then, house in order, all neat as a pin,
She ushers gentle springtime in."

~Susan Reiner, Spring Cleaning~

Merry Christmas

2009-12-24T23:49:00.003-06:00

Muttering Again

2009-12-13T21:05:00.003-06:00

Thought I would give Unconscious Mutterings another try:

Up :: Up and away, in my beautiful balloon (5th dimension)

Scram! :: and I mean it

Smell :: Ooo ooo that smell, can't you smell that smell, ooo ooo that smell, the smell of death's around you (Lynyrd Skynyrd)

Belong :: You belong to me, tell her you were fooling (Carly Simon)

Doug :: My brother in law

Collar :: ring around the

Squirrel :: I love squirrels!

Chinese :: food, we had it for dinner : )

Tracker :: drawing a blank!

Apartment :: I have lived in several over the course of my life.

Eh, still find this muttering thing kind of lame. It isn't enlightening me, only shows that I usually have a song in my head ; )

A Christmas Letter from Jesus

2009-12-12T20:38:00.004-06:00

Yikes, another month has passed me by and my blog remains neglected. I always have so many things swirling in my head that I want to write about, but this time management thing throws me for a loop. Minutes and hours tick by so fast, days turn into weeks. Blah, blah, blah, excuse, excuse, excuse.

So anyway, there is a post going around on the web, I don't know who wrote it, but it has been sent to me by different people, and I like what it says. So I am stealing it and posting it here.

Letter from Jesus about Christmas

It has come to my attention that many of you are upset that folks are taking My name out of the season. Maybe you've forgotten that I wasn't actually born during this time of the year and that it was some of your predecessors who decided to celebrate My birthday on what was actually a time of pagan festival. Although I do appreciate being remembered anytime.

How I personally feel about this celebration can probably be most easily understood by those of you who have been blessed with children of your own. I don't care what you call the day. If you want to celebrate My birth, just GET ALONG AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

Now, having said that let Me go on. If it bothers you that the town in which you live doesn't allow a scene depicting My birth, then just get rid of a couple of Santa's and snowmen and put in a small Nativity scene on your own front lawn. If all My followers did that there wouldn't be any need for such a scene on the town square because there would be many of them all around town.

Stop worrying about the fact that people are calling the tree a holiday tree, instead of a Christmas tree. It was I who made all trees. You can remember Me anytime you see any tree. Decorate a grape vine if you wish. I actually spoke of that one in a teaching, explaining who I am in relation to you and what each of our tasks were. If you have forgotten that one, look up John 15: 1 - 8.

If you want to give Me a present in remembrance of My birth here is my wish list. Choose something from it:

1. Instead of writing protest letters objecting to the way My birthday is being celebrated, write letters of love and hope to soldiers away from home. They are terribly afraid and lonely this time of year. I know, they tell Me all the time.

2. Visit someone in a nursing home. You don't have to know them personally. They just need to know that someone cares about them.

3. Instead of writing the President complaining about the wording on the cards his staff sent out this year, why don't you write and tell him that you'll be praying for him and his family this year. Then follow up. It will be nice hearing from you again.

4. Instead of giving your children a lot of gifts you can't afford and they don't need, spend time with them. Tell them the story of My birth, and why I came to live with you down here. Hold them in your arms and remind them that I love them.

5. Pick someone that has hurt you in the past and forgive him or her.

6. Did you know that someone in your town will attempt to take their own life this season because they feel so alone and hopeless? Since you don't know who that person is, try giving everyone you meet a warm smile; it could make the difference.

7. Instead of nit picking about what the retailer in your town calls the holiday, be patient with the people who work there. Give them a warm smile and a kind word. Even if they aren't allowed to wish you a "Merry Christmas" that doesn't keep you from wishing them one. Then stop shopping there on Sunday. If the store didn't make so much money on that day they'd close and let their employees spend the day at home with their families.

8. If you really want to make a difference, support a missionary--especially one who takes My love and Good News to those who have never heard My name.

9. Here's a good one. There are individuals and whole families in your town who not only will have no "Christmas" tree, but neither will they have any presents to give or receive. If you don't know them, buy some food and a few gifts and give them to the Salvation Army or some other charity which believes in Me and they will make the delivery for you.

10. Finally, if you want to make a statement about your belief in and loyalty to Me, then behave like a Christian. Don't do things in secret that you wouldn't do in My presence. Let people know by your actions that you are one of mine.

Don't forget; I am God and can take care of Myself. Just love Me and do what I have told you to do. I'll take care of all the rest.

Check out the list above and get to work; time is short. I'll help you, but the ball is now in your court. And do have a most blessed Christmas with all those whom you love and remember :

I LOVE YOU,
JESUS

Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays?

2009-11-09T16:20:00.002-06:00

I hate to even start blogging about Christmas topics when Thanksgiving hasn't even arrived yet, but if you watch TV or get mass emails, than you know that CHRISTMAS IS ALREADY HERE!

I have already begun to receive the mass emails regarding "Keeping Christ in Christmas". Now when I was a more rabid Christian, I forwarded those emails with abandon myself. We must make sure the world knows that Christmas is only about Christ, mustn't we? I must make sure I push my views on the rest of the world, mustn't I?

I have really mellowed about a lot of things in recent years. On things like "Keeping Christ in Christmas" I'd just follow the crowd, and wouldn't really even think about what I was doing or saying. I've begun to be more aware of what I believe, say and do lately, and I try am trying to live that out. So with that said:

What the hell is wrong with saying Happy Holidays? The word Holiday is just a mutated version of the term Holy Days. In a search of Holy days for all religions in the month of December here is what I found:

December 6

Saint Nicholas Day (Christian)

December 8

Bodhi Day (Buddhism)
Celebrates the date when Prince Gautama sat under the Bodhi tree, vowing to remain there until he attained supreme enlightenment

Immaculate Conception of Mary (Catholic Christian)
Honors the belief that Mary, mother of Jesus, was preserved from original sin all of her life

December 12

Hanukkah begins (Jewish) *
Festival of lights and re dedication; continues through December 19

December 18

Al-Hijra (Islam)
The first day of the Muslim year; commemorates the migration of Muhammad and his followers from Mecca to Medina

December 21

Yule (Pagan)
Winter Solstice; celebration of the rebirth of the sun

December 24

Christmas Eve (Christian)
A celebration the night before the commemoration of the birth of Jesus

December 25

Christmas (Christian)
Celebrates the birth of Jesus

Feast of the Nativity (Orthodox Christian)
Celebrates the birth of Jesus

December 26

Kwanzaa begins (African American)
Seven day celebration of family, heritage and harvest, ends January 1

Saint Stephen's Day (Catholic Christian)
Commemorates Saint Stephens the first Christian martyr

December 27

Holy Family (Catholic Christian)
Celebration of the family of Jesus

December 28

Holy Innocents (Anglican Christian)
Commemorates the slaughter of male infants in Bethlehem during Herod the Greats attempt to kill the infant Jesus

December 31

New Year's Eve

Wow, lookie, it isn't only Christians celebrating HOLY days in the month of December. There might be Jews out buying presents for Hanukkah, or even a Wiccan buying someone a Solstice present. (Do Wiccans give presents for the Solstice?) Regardless, Christians just do not have the lock on buying in December. People of all creeds are out and about doing their thing and maybe they don't want to hear "Merry Christmas" every single time they check out in a store. I don't think I'd be too happy if I had to hear "Happy Ramadan" every time I went out, in whatever month Ramadan is celebrated. (I'm not ignorant, the month changes every year!) I also wouldn't want to be assaulted with Happy Hanukkah, because I'M NOT JEWISH!

When did Christians go from being loving and caring and spreading THE GOOD NEWS to bullies? Isn't it bullying when we threaten to boycott stores for not saying Merry Christmas? Stores don't only sell to Christians, yet Christians seem to think they should. Also, really, how many of the people out buying presents and celebrating Christmas are even Christians, by Christian standards anyway? I know a lot of Atheists and agnostics and non practicing Christians who celebrate Christmas. They celebrate for Santa Claus and gift giving. Do Christians really think that causing a ruckus and spreading toxic emails makes those who barely nod in Christ's direction on Christmas feel closer to him? Or make them want to go to church? No, it makes them want to get farther away from those who call themselves "Christians", because they don't see the love, or the caring, or the spreading of the good news, they see bullies promoting their agenda. Christ didn't call us to go into the world and demand that shop clerks wish everyone a Merry Christmas. Christ didn't even command us to celebrate Christmas. Christians co-opted a pagan holiday (the solstice) and Christianized it. Most Historians don't even think Christ was born in December.

Now after saying all that, I have to say, I love Christmas. I love everything about it. The songs, the food, the music, the fact that most people seem to be friendlier and kinder during December than most other months. The fact that we celebrate the birth of our Savior. There IS a special feeling in the air during Christmas. So why don't those of us who consider ourselves Christians spread that joy around and stop focusing on the negative. Wish people Merry Christmas and if they wish you a Happy Holidays they are still giving you a greeting, a wish for a Happy Holy Day, which Christians consider Christmas to be. Maybe if we stop being so negative, and nit picking everything the world does, and allow others to live the lives they have chosen to live, and go about living the life Christ asked us to, maybe then others will begin to actually see the Christ in us and then the Christ in Christmas. And it wouldn't be because it was shoved down their throat. It might just be because they saw something, something in us that they wanted a piece of. The joy and love.

Truly He taught us to love one another,
His law is love and His gospel is peace.

~O Holy Night~

Halloween

2009-11-01T20:49:00.006-06:00

Short and Sweet......just a few pictures to commemorate Halloween 2009:

Our front yard/graveyard. Dad even bought us a fog machine : )

Our Puking Pumpkin. He also has a head wound.....see what alcohol will do to you?

My Evil, Mad Scientist Daughter....not sure who her victim is!

My oldest daughters Jack Skellington Pumpkin...and moms traditional one

My garden pigs, dressed for the occasion

When witches go riding,
and black cats are seen,
the moon laughs and whispers,
‘tis near Halloween.
~Author Unknown~

How my sinuses have stalled my blogging!

2009-10-13T15:51:00.005-05:00

When I first started blogging my intent was to record some events that have happened in my life, get some things off my chest and hopefully get my very opinionated opinion out into the "world". I miss blogging! I have now figured out why I have hardly blogged in over 2 months: I have been sick! Yes, I know I have been sick, I have been battling a sinus infection thingy for over 2 months. But it wasn't until today, whilst talking with my very compassionate doctor, that I realized just how an infection can wreak havoc on one's body.

I have had a general malaise about me for months. My sinus symptoms started in late July. At first I thought it was allergies, we've had lots of rain and I thought maybe the mold was getting to me. I let it go for about a month before I visited my doctor. I went to see her in late August. She said my head was "full" and it looked like a sinus infection and gave me antibiotics. After a few days my symptoms seemed to be clearing up, I felt better and could almost breathe again. But a few days after I stopped the antibiotics, the symptoms came back with a vengeance. Right side completely plugged up, no sniffling, breathing or blowing, just stuck. Pressure in my sinus cavity and behind my eyes, headache, feeling blah. I waited a few days and called my doc, who decided I needed another round of good old antibiotics. This time they did nothing. I knew I had a physical coming up, so instead of paying another co-pay and going in to my doctor, I decided to suffer for the last 2 weeks whilst waiting for today's appt. Not really a smart move on my part.

So today I go for my physical. Yes, I still have a raging sinus infection. Not good seeing as I already had 2 rounds of antibiotics. Yes, any kind of infection raging in ones system can make one weak and fatigued ALL THE TIME! Yes, it made perfect sense that I complained of feeling like crap ALL THE TIME. No, I should not have waited another 2 weeks before coming in and getting stronger meds, ooops.

So now I have a really strong, really expensive antibiotic and a steroid. 5 days of steroids and 5 days of antibiotics. Both will stay in my system for 10 days, after which if I am not 100% better I was told to call my doctor ASAP for further evaluation. I am really hoping this does the trick. I have never had sinus issues like this before. I feel like I could sleep until Christmas.

And I miss my blog. As I lay in bed each night gasping for air through my mouth, I have all these wonderful ideas of things to blog about. But alas, morning comes and I am exhausted before I leave my bed and it just goes downhill from there. The only reason I have been able to blog this right now was because of an injection of Reese's Peanut butter cups and iced tea ; ) Sugar and caffeine, it does a body good.

When the head aches, all the body is the worse.
~English Proverb~

My Daughter the High Schooler

2009-09-13T19:59:00.004-05:00

Oh my poor little neglected blog, it's been so long since I've been here.

Life has been crazy lately. It's funny, because people always ask homeschoolers how they do it, how do they have enough time, not go crazy, etc., etc. I'm now wondering how people survive with their kids IN school!

My eldest daughter (Carley) started high school August 24th. We haven't done the school thing since she was in 2nd grade. I forgot how tiring it is. Getting up, making lunches, getting to school on time, getting picked up and to other activities, doing homework, getting to bed, starting all over again the next day. Yuck, I hate it. But she seems to be liking it, at least that what she's telling us right now. She doesn't like the kids, but she really likes the classes. At least most of them. Even gym class. It's only been a few weeks, so the novelty hasn't really worn off yet, but time will tell I suppose. She knows she can quit whenever she wants, I'd really rather have her at home. I miss her. And so does her sister, but she'd never admit it.

I know this is a good experience for her, she needs to be out in the world a bit more. But the false reality of a high school just sends shivers up my spine. It's not that I hated high school. I liked some of my classes, I loved seeing my friends, but I hated being told what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. By senior year I hated being there so much I went on the work release program. I was done with school by 11:00 am and I was able to leave and go to work. Like a real person. Not a subject forced to remain in servitude to the establishment until they ok'd my release.

But I know it's not about me now, it's about her, and what she wants. Maybe because she hasn't been forced to be in schools all these years she has a greater appreciation for education, and she's willing to put up with the nonsense to get what she wants out of the experience. I hope she continues to enjoy it and I hope she can learn in spite of the nonsense that is the institution. I just hope I finally adjust to the changes in my life and routine. Right now it's giving me a headache ; )

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing worth knowing can be taught.
~Oscar Wilde~
"The Critic as Artist," 1890

Late Saturday Night Muttering

2009-08-01T23:21:00.003-05:00

I'm going to give this muttering thing one more chance. If this weeks words are as sucky as they have been lately, I just may have to give up trying to explore my unconscious!

Memo :: Didn't you get the memo?

Copy :: machine

Office :: supplies

Stapler :: another piece of office equipment

Paycheck :: Wish I got one ( a big one!)

Watercooler :: I'd like one in my house

Desk :: I have a small one

Human :: nature

Resort :: I want to go to one on a beach someplace warm!

Boss :: I want to be my own

Hmm, not sure I care for office words. This could be my big farewell to muttering. We'll see how next weeks words look. Care to mutter yourself?

Weddings

2009-07-27T20:31:00.004-05:00

I see it's been a week since I posted to my poor neglected blog. My step-daughter got married on Saturday, so I was little busy last week making sure me and hubby and our two girls would be dressed appropriately. As for me, after visiting almost every woman's clothing store in northern IL, I ended up wearing the first dress I bought. Could have saved myself a lot of time and aggravation, but at least now I know there is nothing out there in retail land that looks good on me, hmph!

So back to the wedding. It was lovely. Raina (my step-daughter) had originally planned on having a large, elaborate wedding this December. It was becoming a much larger event than she had hoped for, so early last spring they (her and her fiance, Erik) decided to make it a "family and close friends event only" and moved it to Erik's family's home and moved it up to July. I think there were probably 40 people total in attendance, including the entire bridal party. It was still very elegant and formal and everyone seemed to have a nice time.

Here's a picture of the lovebirds:

I never had a wedding. I moved out of my parents home and eventually in with my boyfriend (now hubby). Then I got pregnant, LOL. When you do things backwards, a big wedding is a bit redundant. John and I got married at the courthouse in March, and we had a backyard pig roast reception in August. When I look back, a wedding would have been nice, but with age comes wisdom and it really is an awful lot of money to spend on a party. We spent an awful lot of money just going to Raina's wedding. She wanted us in pictures, plus her dad had to walk her down the aisle, so we spent a pretty penny making sure we'd all look up to snuff.

My sister had a big wedding. My parents were paying for it so they got to call the shots. It was nice, about 100 people, at a country club. I do remember it being a lot of fun. But a few years later I remember my sister saying she wished she had been given money for a down-payment on a house instead of a wedding. The novelty wears off. Yes, you have nice pictures, but she says she barely remembers the day, having to run around and talk to people and thanking them for coming, and making sure everything was done properly.

I'm not dissing weddings. If someone has the money, go for it. Weddings can be a lot of fun and certainly special to the couple involved. But I don't think people should go into hock to give their kids a wedding. And given the choice, I think kids nowadays should think realistically, what is more important, a big wedding or a place to live? Just a few weeks ago my youngest and I were out running errands and we saw this girl on the side of the road with a sign that said: "Car Wash, Help Us Pay For Our Wedding". If you need to hold a car wash to pay for your wedding, maybe you should just go to the courthouse. (They actually made it into our local paper.)

John and I have two other daughters, so obviously the wedding thing will come up for us again. We got lucky this time, Raina and her fiance wanted to pay for their own wedding. I think my own girls are a bit more relaxed about the wedding thing. Neither is really a girlie girl and they don't have romantic notions of a prince charming and a fairy tale wedding. I was talking with my youngest about her dad having to wear a fancy suit to Raina's wedding and how he wished he could wear a Hawaiian shirt. That's our kind of wedding. Catherine said we could wear Hawaiian shirts to her wedding : )

In my dreams, one day before we die, my hubby and I will renew our vows on a beach somewhere. He can wear one of those Miami style suits, a white cotton, breezy suit with a Hawaiian shirt underneath, and I can find some kind of flowy summer dress, and we can both be barefoot. Maybe our kids will be there, maybe some grand kids. We could go out and eat lobster afterwards. That's my kind of wedding.

One look
One smile
One touch
One embrace
One kiss
One love
Two people
Two minds
Two souls
Two destinies
One road
One journey
One ending
Together.

- Melissa Higgins -

More Monday Morning Muttering

2009-07-20T10:25:00.002-05:00

Seems I have been too busy to keep up with Saturday night muttering (that's when the list comes to my email). So here I am with another Monday morning muttering.

Banter :: Talking back and forth

Amazing :: life is pretty much, isn't it?

Towel :: Love a big fluffy one

Cinema :: Movie theater

Newspaper :: try to read one everyday

Not good :: Obama as president

My type :: of what? man? food? blood?

Twinkle :: twinkle, little star....yum a twinkie!

Actress :: I wanted to be one when I was little

Daft :: are you crazy?

These words are getting lame. Maybe I should come up with my own.

Want to mutter with these words? lunanina

Want to give me a new list? Feel free to post it in my comments and I'll mutter with them : )

Other People's Blogs

2009-07-17T23:31:00.003-05:00

I stumbled upon this woman's blog a while back and I just love her writing. She says so much of what I'd like to say if I was only a better writer. She writes of coming out of patriarchy, among other things, (particularly about being a mom and her kids), but I really like her religion/God posts the best. I really agreed with this post and thought I'd share.

Oh, and this is a good one too!

Self-Absorbed Much?

2009-07-16T16:21:00.004-05:00

I know it's Thankfulness Thursday, but I know I'll feel better if I get the following off my chest! I'll return to Thursday's regularly scheduled program next week ; )

I've noticed a lot of people lately who are very self-absorbed. I've known people like this in my own life (my sister's husband, for instance), but I've begun to notice it in strangers lately. It seems to be a growing epidemic, people who just pay no mind to the people around them, making sure only their needs are attended to without regard for those around them.

My first instance of this is people who walk off sidewalks to cross streets and don't look both ways. I have seen 1/2 a dozen people in the last month or so do this. They leave a store and just start walking. Straight out into the road, no look to the left or right, just "I'm a pedestrian, and I have the right of way, and you'd better slow down and not hit me" attitude written all over their face. Now I realize as the driver I do need to yield to pedestrians, but come on. I've had to slam on my brakes twice in the last 2 weeks to avoid someone who popped out in front of me, and they never even glanced my way as they strolled past my car. Who does this? (Obviously these people!)

Then there are the people who drive 10 miles under the speed limit because they are on their cell phones or trying to text. It is so infuriating to be behind someone and you can see them looking down, or with the phone to their ear, and they are just moseying along like the road is theirs and nothing matters but their time. Hang up and drive. When you are driving nothing is more important than safety on the road. Those people who walk off curbs without looking might just jump in front of your car, then you'll be screwed.

Then there's the grocery store. You know those people who park their carts right in the middle of the aisle so there is no way to pass them. So you pull up behind their cart, thinking they must see you, thinking they will move their cart sometime today. But no, they continue to stare at the salad dressing while you clear your throat, shift your feet, wonder what the hell is wrong with this person! So then you must ask the person to move or you'll be trapped in the store forever. And then they have the gonads to glare at you and act like YOU'RE inconveniencing them. That's right I forgot, the world revolves around them and I am but a gnat in their world.

Yesterday, while at my local Jewel (a grocery store for those not in the Midwest) I was checking out. My bagger decided 1/2 way through bagging my order to wander off and do something else (must have that self-absorbed gene) so I went to the end of the counter to start bagging my stuff myself to help expedite my exit from the store. I had left my wallet on the little shelf they provide to put your wallet on while you pay. My groceries were still being rung up. Well, the woman behind me decided to push my cart out of the check out line, and push my wallet off the little desk thing and take up residence in the spot I would normally stand in while I write a check to pay. I had fully intended on going back to that spot after helping to bag my groceries. Any normal person would have realized this. It was so bizarre. The checker and I both looked at this woman like WTF? I really was at a loss about what to say to her (my witty comments always come after the fact). I ended up having to reach up from the end of the counter to grab my check book and had to write the check from where I was. It was all so very bizarre. The woman didn't even look at me, just settled herself in the spot where I had been standing just seconds before, and decided it was her time to be there, had her checkbook out, already filling out her check and her order hadn't even been started yet.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOME PEOPLE???????

How hard is it take a second and think about how your actions might affect someone else before you take that action? Weren't we taught this growing up? Isn't anyone teaching this to their children? And it's not just young kids acting this way. The woman at the checkout was probably older than me. People I see on their cell phones while driving tend to be all ages (although the text-ers seem to be young). It's called common courtesy people. Do unto others, yadda, yadda, yadda!

I see it as the beginning of the fall of society. And I do think an awful lot of it comes from the entitlement mentality that unfortunatley our current government is enabling. That's a whole other blog post, but you get it. Tell me you get it, please! Tell me you don't walk in front of cars without looking, that you don't text and drive, that you only use your cell phones for emergencies while driving, that you don't park your cart in the middle of the grocery aisle! I need some faith in humanity!

Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter which fork you use.
~Emily Post~

Monday Morning Muttering

2009-07-13T12:49:00.003-05:00

Been sick since Saturday night....killer headache! Can I mutter with a headache?

Sister :: I have one, Debbie!

Talks :: Talking Heads?

Electric! :: Company! Slide!

Corner :: Little Jack Horner sat in a corner

Turnstile :: I hate those things!

Swap :: Wife, meet

Young :: Forever Young (Rod Stewart)

Horrific :: crime scene

Block :: New Kids on the

Wind :: Against the Wind (Bob Seeger)

Hmm, I think I still have a headache!

Want to try muttering?

Sweatin' With the Socialists!

2009-07-11T09:45:00.000-05:00

Thankfulness Thursday

2009-07-09T18:19:00.002-05:00

Time for another posting of things I am thankful for:

The sun peeking through clouds, warming things enough to enjoy some time at the beach.

Fresh brewed unsweetened ice tea

A hubby willing to grill after a long day at work

A hubby happy to spend 45 mins with his wife while their daughters are at kyuki-do ; )

Good friends who trust me to watch their house and precious dogs (and will pay me well to do it)

Fuzzy cats who love me unconditionally

Daughters who get more beautiful everyday

Cheesecake on a stick that I can purchase at my grocery store, Yum! (used to only be able to get it at the Renaissance Faire!)

Cool summer breezes blowing in my windows

A God that I know will love me whether I go to church or not

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.
~Epictetus~

Women and Men are Equals?

2009-07-08T20:38:00.004-05:00

I've been reading a lot lately about patriarchy and women's rights and feminism, etc. I still have a lot in my brain to think about and a lot more I wish to read. But I had a bit of an epiphany the other day and thought I better write it down before I forget it! (Been forgetting things lately, old age seems to be creeping in).

Anyway, while I was thinking about God and whether He is really a He or is He a combo of a He and a She, seeing as the Bible says in Genesis 1:27:

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them."

How could God create a woman in his own image unless He also had some attributes of a woman?

In John 24 God is referred to as Spirit. While Jesus was referred to as a man, God is always referred to as spirit. Does a spirit have the attributes of a man, female or both, or none? If God is spirit, then how and why did He come to be known only as He?

There are so many passages in the bible where God takes on the attributes of women. He refers to birth pains (sorry men, only women have birth pains). He also talks of caring for children the way a mother does, Isaiah 66:13 -

"As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you;"

So anyway, these are things I have been thinking about and praying about which brings me to my epiphany. While meditating/praying on these things the other day, I came to the conclusion that women have been fighting the wrong battle. It is not for us to prove that we are like men to be equal. I don't want to be like a man. And I don't believe I am meant to be a like a man. I was born a woman and meant to be a woman. We can be equal but different. We don't need to be like men to be equal. We need to be respected as equals for who we are, not what we can change ourselves to be.

We were made in God's image just as men were. Not to be below, not to be above, but to be equal, to come alongside each other, for each other.

Believe nothing merely because you have been told it.
Do not believe what your teacher tells you merely out of respect for the teacher.
But whatever, after due examination and analysis,
you find to be kind, conducive to the good, the benefit, the welfare of all beings -
that doctrine believe and cling to, and take it as your guide.

Buddha

Lazy Sunday Mutterings

2009-07-05T18:52:00.004-05:00

Still recovering from the 4th, doing nothing and feeling lazy. Brain is hardly functioning......let's see how it mutters:

Independence :: Our country needs to keep ours

Meltdown :: Thankfully my children don't have them anymore

Vulture :: predator

Hope :: Kind of getting tired of hearing that word (and Change!)

Float :: Ice Cream

Hole :: Ass

Trespass :: ers will be shot ; )

Moving :: only place I want to move to is Florida!

Extinct :: Our country will be if we don't collectively wise up soon

Alligator :: my high school mascot

I have a headache now! Want to try muttering? Lunanina

Happy Independence Day

2009-07-04T12:11:00.003-05:00

May we all take a moment and truly appreciate how great our country is and remember those who have fallen preserving our freedoms for us.

Now have some fun and make some fireworks explode on your computer:

Lady Liberty Fireworks

And always remember:

Breast Feeding

2009-07-01T16:37:00.002-05:00

Someone sent this link out on Facebook and I just had to post it here. This is a great blog post for those who are pro breast feeding.

Gone Too Far?

Those who think that society has “gone too far” in supporting breastfeeding, that mothers who formula feed are demonised and breastfeeding mothers aren’t: (follow link to read entire post).

Saturday Night Muttering

2009-06-27T23:29:00.002-05:00

11:30pm, almost bedtime........time for a quick probing of my subconscious!

Guest :: Be our guest, be our guest (Beauty and the Beast)

Impact :: It's the final countdown (don't know why I thought of this song?)

Unplanned :: Pregnancy

Tactic :: tactical maneuvers

Delayed :: gratification

Bombastic :: Pompous

Comfort :: I have become comfortably numb

Trumpet :: Wynton Marsalis plays one

Joe :: the plumber, six-pack

Budget :: It's hard to live within one

Icky words this week, my thoughts weren't very forth coming out of my unconscious. Want to give muttering a try?

Scare Tactics

2009-06-25T16:45:00.003-05:00

Public Schooling Stifles Kids' Free Will

2009-06-23T18:02:00.002-05:00

A friend in an online chat group recently sent along a great link. Here's what she said about it:

A local unschool dad had a letter to the editor published as a guest column in the Atlanta paper. He is part of a group that is working to rescind compulsory education.

This article gives a great explanation of why public school is so harmful to our children. He also gives one of the best definitions of unschooling that I have seen. Definitely worth a few minutes of your time if A: You think there are problems with public school and B: You want to know why I unschool my kids.

Public schools stifle kids’ free will

My Daughter Made a YouTube Video

2009-06-22T20:26:00.004-05:00

And being the proud mom that I am, I have to share it. I had no idea, but Catherine worked on this most of the day. It's her first attempt at putting together a video. I think it's sweet. BTW, she is self-taught on this whole making a video thing, I have no idea how to do it. Unschooling at it's best!

Here's the story, which is good to know before watching the video:

Story:
Cliff is singing about his daughter Jill, who is growing up and (Eventually) getting married to Skye. (No, Jill is not Cliffs daughter, this only exists in my Vids.)

That was in Catherine's words. The pictures are people from Harvest Moon, the video game. (I didn't know who they were either, but it's still cute : )

Late Saturday Night Muttering

2009-06-21T00:13:00.002-05:00

It's really Sunday morning, 12:15 am to be exact. WAY past my bedtime. Let's see if my brain is still working:

Divorce :: None for me thanks

Napkin :: use one

Camera :: All I've got is a photograph and I realize you're not coming back anymore

Leather :: comes from cows

Fractures :: breaks

Flip out :: I tend to do that occasionally...I blame hormones!

Coroner :: My sister wanted to be one....Quincy!

Atomic :: Bomb

Liz :: Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother 40 whacks, when she saw what she had done she gave her father 41.

Leave :: It to Beaver!

Well, I know I still remember the Lizzie Borden rhyme ; )

Want to see what comes out of your unconscious?

Duggar's Again

2009-06-19T23:02:00.010-05:00

I know, I am probably a horrible person because I criticize the Duggar's. The way I look at it, they decided to put their life on tv, which means I get to criticize them if I want to ; )

The latest show my youngest daughter (Catherine) and I watched (oldest daughter can't stomach the show) was about them going to some homeschooling conference in Texas. They loaded up their giant bus and headed out on a road trip. When they got to the conference they showed some of the activities the kids had planned for the week. While the boys were outside rappelling down towers and having fun, the girls were inside teaching a bunch of little kids. What is wrong with this picture?

I get when you have to wear a full length denim skirt everyday that it might be hard to rappel down a tower, but the boys were having FUN and the girls were struggling to wrangle a bunch of little kids. I was so bothered by this. I wanted to see those girls outside rappelling down the darn tower. Heck, I wanted to try rappelling down the tower.

After the show was over I still couldn't get the thought out of my mind that they never showed the girls letting loose and having fun. They always have jobs to do. Even at home these girls are helping their mom wrangle younger siblings or helping with the housework.

What must it be like to grow up and always think of yourself as 2nd? I suppose some might think it noble for someone to give of themselves so much that they always put their needs last. But these girls are never even taught that it is ok to put themselves first. Are they allowed to say no at home? What if they had told someone at the conference that they wanted to rappel down the tower (denim skirt and all)? Would they have let them? Probably not, climbing towers isn't a "girlie" thing to do, that's boy/man stuff. That's what bothers me so much. The fact that they have drawn these lines of what is acceptable for the girls and what is not. Keep those girls in their place, girls needs always come after boys. Bleh!

I grew up in the 70's the age of feminism. For all the bad things people say about feminists, they have helped women progress beyond the kitchen. It is not necessarily a women's job to stay home and cook clean all day. If she chooses that, fine, but to raise girls and teach them that is the only choice for their adult lives does them a grave disservice in my book. I want my girls to know that they can do whatever they want with their lives. They get to dream and choose, it is their life. My job is to help them see all the choices that are available to them, not all the doors that are shut. I wouldn't even tell them any doors are shut to them, because I think if they encounter a shut door, then they should try to open it. If we had been at that homeschooling conference, my girls would have been telling everyone it isn't fair to make the girls teach the kids while the boys rappel down the tower. We would've been the squeaky wheel, the ones changing the rules.

To tell a woman everything she may not do is to tell her what she can do.
~Spanish Proverb~

I realize some women say they are happy in the roles that have been assigned to them since birth. Grow up, help mom to learn how to be a mom, get married right from daddy's house, become a mom, do unto your daughters what has been done to you. I often wonder if any of these women wake up one day and wonder what happened to their life. Or are they kept so secluded, all outside life kept at bay, no tv or controversial books, that they really live in oblivion their entire lives. How sad that seems to me. To never find yourself, to never think your life had a greater purpose than to be a pawn in someone else's game.

I'm so grateful that I had parents who taught me to think for myself, to question society and it's rules and roles and determine for myself what was ok and not ok. The older I get the more I have a better sense of who I am and what I want to be. And I plan to pass that on to my daughters.

A feminist is a woman who does not allow anyone to think in her place.

~Michele Le Doeuff~

Thankfulness Thursday

2009-06-18T16:47:00.003-05:00

There is always, always, always something to be thankful for.
~ Author Unknown~

These are things I am thankful for today:

1. The sun making an appearance.

2. Laying in the sun and reading a book while my children swim.

3. Reading a good book that makes me think.

4. People who took the time to plant flowers in their yards that I can admire.

5. Children who help clean out the dishwasher.

6. Trucks driving slowly in front of me who suddenly turn off the road and out of my way.

7. Fresh strawberries from a local farm.

8. Homemade fudge from that same farm : )

9. Birds chirping and squirrels scurrying in my backyard.

10. A husband that calls me everyday on his way home from work.

If you concentrate on finding whatever is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul.
~ Rabbi Harold Kushner~

Thankfulness Tuesday

2009-06-16T15:45:00.003-05:00

A while back I started a Thankfulness Thursday posting. I probably posted for 3 or 4 Thursday's before it slipped my mind and I stopped doing it. I think it is a good habit to try and start again. I know it's only Tuesday, but I was feeling thankful about some things today and thought I would get a head start on Thursday.

My day started well enough, the sun was out and my daughters and I had planned on going to the pool. It opens at 11am. It was sunny at 9:30am. As it got closer to 11 it got cloudier and cloudier, but the girls still wanted to go. So off to the pool we went. It was freezing. I guess the water was warm, but the air was not. I huddled under a beach towel and tried to read a book while my girls swam about in the pool. Then it began to rain. They were already in the pool, already wet, so they just stayed in. I moved my chair to a building overhang so I could keep my book dry and yet still see my girls. My good mood from earlier in the day was slowly leaving.

After the girls were tired of the pool I dropped them off at home and left for the grocery store. I like to grocery shop, I know some hate it, but I find it to be pretty relaxing wandering around a grocery store. On my way home I saw "the homeless guy". We have a guy in our town who is obviously homeless and he just walks around town all day. I started seeing him over a year ago, and now I am seeing him again. We have an organization in our county that houses the homeless in churches overnight in the winter. The program only runs from October through May, which is probably why I have just begun to see this man again. He always has a fairly heavy coat on, even in the warm weather. And he has a backpack type bag that must hold his stuff. I always feel badly when I see him, but my fears (being a woman) keep me from stopping and offering any kind of help to a man. Plus, what can I offer him besides a little a money? I certainly can't offer him housing or a job. (I wrote another post about the homeless last year and covered most of this stuff in that post, if you're interested: The Homeless).

Anyway, seeing that man again today made me realize how truly thankful I am for the things I have. I have a home. Not a great home, but not a shack or a hut either. It has heat and air conditioning and a roof and furniture and tv's and kitchen appliances and a fridge full of food. I have a husband who I know cares deeply for me and his daughters. He goes to work everyday to provide for us and I am thankful for that. I have two beautiful daughters who amaze me everyday. The older they get the more I am in awe of who they are becoming. I have four furry babies that delight and irritate me at the same time, but I love having them in my home. I have a yard and a deck and a patio where I can go and sit and listen to the birds and watch the bats come out at night. I can look into the sky and see stars and contemplate the universe. I don't have any giant worries that consume me. I can sit and be at peace.

When I think about how a lot of people in the world live, I have no choice but to be thankful. It is so easy to gripe and complain everyday. I can complain about the government and bad drivers and sales clerks. Or I can look at the bigger picture and realize I have it pretty good. I have a car and can drive myself anywhere I want to go. I can wake up and take my girls to the beach or the pool. Or we can go to the library, or the grocery store. We have computers and can access all sorts of information in cyberspace. The world is at our fingertips. I live in a free land and have freedom to choose what I want to do each day and how I want to live my life.

I have realized I need to make an effort everyday to find the good in every situation. My life is not so bad, certainly not when I compare it to others. Of course there are people who it seems their lives are much better than mine, they have more money and better homes and grander lives, but comparing myself to them only hurts me. Thou shalt not covet (and all that). I need to look at what I have and be thankful for it because I really do have a lot. And I need to remember to give thanks for it everyday.

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.
~Epictetus~

Customer Service

2009-06-14T21:42:00.003-05:00

It seems customer service has gone the way of the dinosaur.

Today was my step-daughter's (Raina) bridal shower. She registered at Bed, Bath and Beyond as well as on Amazon (who knew they had a bridal registry?) Anyway, her Amazon list looked like a Christmas wish list, things like laptops and Ipods and all other manner of non-wedding type gifts. So I opted for BB & B.

Last week, one week before the shower I went into the BB & B store and asked for a print out of her registry. After it printed the sales girl said she wanted to explain to me how their registry worked. It has columns showing the item wanted by dept, gives the UPC code, tells whether it has already been purchased, and lastly whether it is available on the floor or it says "see associate". The young sales girl tells me that "see associate" means it's not on the floor, but they have it in stock in the back. So I took the print out home (it was 13 pages) to read over and discuss with my husband which gift we should buy his daughter. We narrowed it down to a very nice toaster oven or some of her dish place settings. But I decided we should wait a week and see what everyone else got her and then go in and get something not yet chosen. So we waited until last evening, the day before the shower. (Stupid me!)

We arrive at our local BB & B around 6pm last night. We'd had a busy day, otherwise we would have gone earlier. I go back up to the service desk for a new print out of the registry so we can see what may have been purchased in the last week. Again, as I am being handed the print out the young sales girl tells me that "see associate" means they probably have it in the back, so if we want something that says "see associate" just find one of them.

(disclaimer: I say "young" sales girls because they were young. And clueless! Not that young necessarily means clueless, but in this instance it applies!)

As I look over the list I realize very little of what Raina wants is "available", most of it says "see associate". So I find one of these "associates" a male this time. I tell him I would like him to get this specific toaster oven out of the back. He tells me they do not have this toaster oven in the back. He then proceeds to tell me that they don't have anything in stock that says "see associate". What? I tell him that the chicks up front told me that "see associate" means that if I see one of you, you will get the item for me. "Yea" he says "I don't know why they tell people that, they know we don't have those items. WTF!?!?!?!?!!?!?

So I march back up front to the young women who are apparently running things (poorly) and I say "Why did you just tell me that "see associate" means you have the items in the back when you don't?" "Well," she says, "We do have the item, we just have to order it for you". Hello? Did I just enter the twilight zone? Am I being punk'd? Do we not understand the difference between telling someone you have something in the back of the store or ordering something from somewhere else? So I lost it. Yes there were other customers around as my voice got louder and I said "My step-daughters shower is tomorrow. I waited because last week when I was in here one of your "associates" told me that you had this stuff in the back, that not everything listed was on the sales floor. When I got here 15 mins ago again I was told that "see associate" meant you would get something from the back, why in the world are you telling people that instead of telling them you need to order this stuff?" "Well, we do have the items, we just need to order them for you". What are these chicks, robots? Stepford wives? Sales "associates" from hell? Am I speaking French? Do they not understand what I am saying?

So I tell the sales girls (there are two now at the desk) "If you had told me last week that I needed to order the "see associate" items, I would have ordered them last week. The shower is TOMORROW! I can't order them now!" One of the girls then proceeds to tell me "Well I can call another store and see if you can pick it up there". Yes, it is now 6:30 on a Saturday night, I have been running around all day, and I really want to drive all over northern IL looking for a toaster oven. So she proceeds to get on the computer to look up the toaster oven. "It seems that we don't carry the toaster oven in any of our stores, it's an order only item". If I'd had a gun I just might have shot myself. Hello! Why not just print that on the registry sheet? This item must be ordered. How hard would it be to print that on the sheet? Who runs this place, smurfs? So obviously there is no way I am getting the toaster oven by tomorrow. So then she checks on her dishes. Seems the closest store is Downers Grove, a good hour away. I'm just not up for it at this point. I tell the sales girl I have no idea what we are going to do now, I am going to find my husband (who smartly hid away in the store while I stormed the service desk.)

So after realizing that there aren't' any "good" gifts we can get Raina, all the cool stuff like her dishes, her silverware, her glassware, the toaster oven I really wanted to get her, all have to be ordered or are in other stores, we opt to buy all her little stuff. Dish towels, flexible cutting mats, glass measuring cups, acrylic canisters, etc. We pretty much bought her all of her kitchen basics, the $3-10 stuff. And we bought $125 worth of piddly shit. 2 big boxes and and one gift bag full of little kitchen stuff. Not what I wanted to buy her, but what could I do? I didn't want to get her a gift card, I wanted her to have stuff to open. I didn't even really want to give BB & B my money after all that, but I had to get her a present.

After collecting all the little stuff for Raina's gift I had to go back up to the service desk to pay and so they could wrap it. Free service I was definitely going to take advantage of at this point. I again say to the girl while up there "I still don't understand why you just don't tell people up front that the "see associate" items have to be ordered. Why don't you tell people that?" "We aren't supposed to" she says. "Why not" (why the HELL NOT I wanted to say) "I'm not sure" she says. OMG! Here are people who don't know how to think. If you get hired for a job and someone tells you to tell people something that isn't true, wouldn't you question it? Is it some corporate policy to get people in the store and stuck like I was, and force them to buy things they don't want? I still would have bought stuff with them had I known I needed to order ahead of time. They didn't have to force me into buying a bunch of crap.

The shower itself was very nice btw. But it was interesting when I spoke with a few of Raina's friends, they too had problems with BB & B and the "see associate" listing on the registry. Many of her friends also tried to get items a few days in advance of the shower only to also discover the item or items they wanted weren't in stock but needed to be ordered. Raina herself told us she chose her registry items online. She never went into a store and picked out items. So she had no idea that most of her choices weren't available in the BB & B stores. If only the registry had told all of us "this item needs to be ordered" instead of "see associate" how much simpler and more pleasant our shopping experiences would have been.

In the end all BB & B has done is make me not want to shop there again. And I am also sending a letter to corporate to ask what the heck is going on with the registry. How about a little truth in advertising? If the item isn't in the damn store, tell us the item isn't in the damn store.

I think in the future I'll just sick with cash!

Unconscious Mutterings

2009-06-14T00:04:00.003-05:00

I haven't muttered in a while. I haven't blogged in a while. Just too busy or tired lately. Hopefully soon summer will actually arrive in my little corner of Illinois and all that Vitamin D will cheer me right up. In the meantime, a little late night muttering:

Nudity :: Random

Domestic :: Tranquility

Burp :: never in public

Baby :: Hit me baby one more time!

Dateline :: NBC

Retract :: That statement!

Suppose :: I suppose ............

Surreal :: Life is sometimes, isn't it?

Infidelity :: I don't think my marriage would survive it

Token :: of my appreciation

Ok, another boring muttering. Art imitates life ; )

Want to see if you mutter boringly?

More on Death

2009-06-08T12:59:00.003-05:00

This time of year tends to keep me focused on death. The anniversary of my dad's death was just a week ago, and the anniversary of my mom's death is on June 13th.

While thinking about my dad in the last week, I remembered some of the things that happened after his death, things that would bring him to mind and make me wonder whether or not the dead can actually try to communicate with the living. I know this goes against every single thing a "Christian" believes, but these things really happened and I have believed them to be a sign from my dad, a sign letting me know he was ok, and that I would see him again one day.

When my dad died I had a 3 year old and a 1 year old. We still did the family bed at our house, so I would go to bed with my girls and we all watched a bedtime video while they drifted off to sleep. One night about a week after getting back from Florida (and my dad's funeral) I was thinking about him while laying in bed watching a video with my girls. Just then the tv turned off. No reason, it just turned off. I was able to hit power on the remote and it turned right back on. The same thing happened on two other occasions over the next few weeks while I was thinking about my dad. In all 3 instances, nothing was wrong with the tv, no one sat on the remote, the tv just turned off. Now that may seem like nothing, but at the time, I truly felt like my dad was there, that he knew I was thinking about him and worried about him and it was his way of making his presence known. I felt oddly at peace after those episodes.

In October of the year my dad died ( he died May 31), I was still going to the Catholic church. Every year they hold a service for those who have died that year. The service is in the evening, the lights are dimmed and there are votive candles on the altar. When they call your loved ones name, you are able to go up and light a candle for them. At the end all the candles are glowing, it is a very moving service. After I left the service that night and got back in my car, there on the floor of the passengers seat was a shark's tooth. I live in IL, no where near the ocean. My dad was an avid beachcomber of shells and sharks teeth. He had quite the collection of both at his home in Florida. I had been to Florida the previous year when he was dying, but this was 5 months after his death, and the car had been cleaned out many times since our returning from Florida. Plus I don't recall us ever bringing home any of his shark's teeth. But here was one, right in the middle of the floor mat in the front seat of my car. Right after a very moving service of remembrance for my dad. To me it was a sign. Another sign from him telling me he was ok, that there really is an afterlife and that I would see him again one day.

Now you might think I am crazy, you might think these things were all just weird coincidences. I suppose you could be right. But there really was no other explanation than the fact that I had been thinking about my dad at these moments. I know in my heart that somehow my dad was able to send me a message that he was ok. Or maybe it was God sending me the message. Whatever it was, it brought a sense of peace to me at a time when the world made no sense. How does one make sense of a 56 year old man having 6 months from diagnosis to death? It wasn't fair that my dad had to die so young. He had so many plans for his retirement. So much he and my mom wanted to do. My dad did everything right during his life. He worked hard, he was honest, he always did the right thing. And his reward was an early death? So it was very comforting to me to somehow get a sign from him that he was ok. And I do believe he is ok, and that my mom is now with him and I will see them both again someday.

I believe the dead send us signs after they die, we just need to look for them. I think many people never see the signs that have been given to them, signs that will bring them peace, because of some fear that it is not of God or that it just isn't real. I encourage everyone to remember to look for the signs after losing a loved one. They'll let you know they are ok, I know they will.

Death is nothing else but going home to God, the bond of love will be unbroken for all eternity.
~ Mother Teresa~

The Constitution

2009-06-04T17:51:00.002-05:00

College

2009-06-02T17:03:00.004-05:00

My Dad

2009-05-31T22:23:00.006-05:00

Old as she was, she still missed her daddy sometimes.

~Gloria Naylor~

My dad died 11 years ago today. He was 56. I am amazed at how quickly the time has gone by. My youngest was one, today she is 12. She never knew my dad and that makes me pretty sad. Carley doesn't remember him either, she was only 3.

He was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer in Nov. of 1996. Here he is just 3 months prior to diagnosis (with me and my mom and my 5 month old, Catherine):

The doctors told him he had 3-6 months to live. He chose not to do Chemo or radiation, he wanted to have the best quality of life for his remaining few months. He did seek out some alternative remedies, and I think they helped him make it to the 6 month mark. My parents lived in Florida at the time, and I lived in IL. I was able to get down and see him twice before he died. We went down in December and again in March.

He died near midnight on the night of May 31st. I wasn't there when he died, my sister and my brother were. I had a 3 year old and a 1 year old. I was still nursing my 1 year old. I wanted to be there, but my mom and sister told me I couldn't bring my girls, that it would be too stressful on everyone. He was in and out of coherent near the end, but I did have my mom put the phone up to him and told him I was sorry I couldn't be there. I just couldn't leave my girls. I think he understood.

I didn't always have the best relationship with my dad growing up. He could be a mean son-of-a-gun when he wanted to be. But most of the time he was pretty reserved and rather jovial. He liked to read and passed that love to me. He taught me to play chess. Life was simple for my dad and he had clear boundaries of right and wrong. He was a staunch conservative and I thank him for those values. I never had a very emotional relationship with my dad, we never told the other we loved each other, although we did hug and kiss. I remember when I was really small he used to carry me to bed on his shoulders each night. And I remember even into high school kissing him good-night before bed.

Here he is on a Fathers Day when I was about 20 (that's me on the right):

Just before he died I wrote him a letter. I wanted him to know that I although I had blamed him in the past for screwing me up, that I no longer did and that I knew he had done the best he knew how in raising me. He had a horrible childhood with a very abusive father. His childhood was worse than mine. I thanked him for being my dad and told him I loved him. I waited for a reply and finally my mother called me and told me that my dad had read the letter and cried. My dad and I never spoke about the letter and we didn't need to. He heard what I said, it made him cry, that was enough for me.

Time lessens pain but doesn't remove it. I don't think about him everyday anymore, but I do think about him frequently. And I still remember the day he died. Most of all I look forward to seeing him again one day.

Here's a picture of my dad and mom in the bar in the house I grew up in. They had their issues, but I always knew they loved each other:

We understand death for the first time when he puts his hand upon one whom we love.
~Madame de Stael~

Momentous Occasions

2009-05-29T17:25:00.009-05:00

Graduation is only a concept. In real life every day you graduate. Graduation is a process that goes on until the last day of your life. If you can grasp that, you'll make a difference.
~Arie Pencovici~

My oldest daughter recently "graduated" 8th grade. I put graduated in quotes because she didn't really graduate from anything. Our homeschool co-op holds a graduation ceremony at the end of the year for 8th grade and high school graduates. Carley was technically an 8th grader this year, so she technically graduated. Since we consider ourselves eclectic learners, or life learners or unschoolers or whatever you want to call us, we didn't really have anything to graduate from. She didn't finish a curriculum, we don't do curriculum. We don't consider learning to ever stop and start, we learn all the time. Try to go an entire day and not learn something. We all learn something everyday whether we acknowledge it or not. Can't watch the news or read a newspaper without learning something. So that's how we live and learn everyday.

So with that in mind, Carley participated in a graduation ceremony at our co-op. There was only one other girl graduating 8th grade, so it was short and sweet. It was part of other closing ceremony activities, but the graduation came last. After Carley was introduced, her parents (John and I), had the chance to say some things about her. I talked about her accomplishments, how we have always tried to support her in all of her endeavors, about how we unschooled and Carley was able to lead her own learning. I also mentioned how it seemed just like yesterday that she graduated from her Montessori Kindergarten. And yes, I almost cried. I also mentioned that she had decided to send herself to high school next year, and how much I will miss having her home. Her father talked about how she has tenacity and determination and usually follows through on things she sets her mind out to do. It was all quite lovely actually. I wasn't sure I wanted to participate at first, I am not one for ceremony for the sake of ceremony. Carley wasn't even sure she wanted to participate, but in the end I am glad we did. I think it will be a nice memory for her to have.

Here are some pictures for your perusal:

This is before we left the house:

Here is the table we set up with a short history of Carley's life (pictures and accomplishments):

Here she is on stage waiting for her turn to"'graduate" (a little blurry, youngest dd was in charge of the camera):

Here she is with her cake (we had a small reception afterwards):

And one with Sam, the other graduate (and a good friend):

All in all, a happy night and judging by the smiling faces, one that everyone will remember.

What we are is God's gift to us. What we become is our gift to God.
~Eleanor Powell~

Unconsciously Muttering

2009-05-24T20:33:00.002-05:00

Another week another mutter!

Lisa :: Lea, one of my dearest friends!

Hope :: springs eternal

Irene :: Makes me think of the Dexy's Midnight Runners song "Come on Eileen".

Tony :: Soprano

Anna :: Karenina

Dolly :: Parton

Laura :: Ingall's Wilder

Debbie :: My sister

Wilson :: Carnie

Paula :: Abdul

Hmmm, a names week......not sure I liked it. Want to mutter?

Happy Birthday Kitty!

2009-05-23T13:29:00.006-05:00

Happy 6th birthday Jersey!

Isn't she cute?

What greater gift than the love of a cat?
~Charles Dickens~

America Gets it Right Again!

2009-05-20T23:12:00.003-05:00

Kris Allen wins American Idol......woo hoo! For those who haven't been following along this year, the judges were blatantly in favor of Adam Lambert this year. Well, they were wrong. America loves Kris Allen. My faith in humanity is restored. Although we can't seem to get it right when picking a president, we can at least pick the right American Idol.

For your listening pleasure, a taste of Kris Allen:

John Taylor Gatto

2009-05-19T18:06:00.006-05:00

I just finished reading John Taylor Gatto's newest book " Weapons of Mass Instruction: A Schoolteacher's Journey through the Dark World of Compulsory Schooling". As usual, it was an excellent book that reiterated things I already knew as well as enlightened me about things I didn't. (If you'd like to read a summary, click on the link.)

He has written several other books, all of which I have read. Having been a public school teacher he offers a unique insight to the problems in our schools. I have my own issues with public school, mostly from my experiences in them or from tales I have heard told by others. It is enlightening to read the perspective of a man who not only attended public schools, but taught in them for 30 years as well. His "Underground History of American Education" (which you can read online if you click the link) is just epic. It is a huge book which explains exactly how the public schools came to be the way they are. If I believed in such things, I would make it required reading by all Americans. As I don't believe anyone should be required to do anything, I strongly suggest everyone read it.

Here is something else interesting he wrote about what he "taught" as a teacher:

"The first lesson I teach is: "Stay in the class where you belong."
"The second lesson I teach kids is to turn on and off like a light switch."
"The third lesson I teach you is to surrender your will to a predestined chain of command."
"The fourth lesson I teach is that only I determine what curriculum you will study."
"In lesson five I teach that your self-respect should depend on an observer's measure of your worth."
"In lesson six I teach children that they are being watched."
"The seventh lesson I teach is that you can't hide."

Frightening isn't it? But think back to your own schooling (if you went to public school). Doesn't it apply?

I hope maybe I have inspired someone who has never read Gatto to look him up. And if you have read his books, definitely get his new one.

I leave you with some of my favorite quotes, (one of my favorites is in my sidebar).

"I've come to believe that genius is an exceedingly common human quality, probably natural to most of us... I began to wonder, reluctantly, whether it was possible that being in school itself was what was dumbing them down. Was it possible I had been hired not to enlarge children's power, but to diminish it? That seemed crazy on the face of it, but slowly I began to realize that the bells and the confinement, the crazy sequences, the age-segregation, the lack of privacy, the constant surveillance, and all the rest of national curriculum of schooling were designed exactly as if someone had set out to *prevent* children from learning how to think and act, to coax them into addiction and dependent behavior."

– John Taylor Gatto

"By preventing a free market in education, a handful of social engineers - backed by the industries that profit from compulsory schooling: teacher colleges, textbook publishers, materials suppliers, et al. - has ensured that most of our children will not have an education, even though they may be thoroughly schooled."

– John Taylor Gatto

"Children and old people are penned up and locked away from the business of the world to a degree without precedent: nobody talks to them anymore, and without children and old people mixing in daily life, a community has no future and no past, only a continous present.

~John Taylor Gatto

"Schools and schooling are increasingly irrelevant to the great enterprises of the planet. No one believes anymore that scientists are trained in science classes or politicians in civics classes or poets in English classes. The truth is that schools don’t really teach anything except how to obey orders.

~John Taylor Gatto

Empathy?

2009-05-18T15:59:00.004-05:00

Reality

2009-05-11T20:51:00.003-05:00

Sunday Night Muttering

2009-05-10T22:58:00.003-05:00

I've been missing my email from LunaNina, so I haven't muttered in a few weeks. I've missed that random, free-flowing thought process, so here goes:

Again :: And again, and again, and again!

Shower :: Rain or bathroom?

Flirting :: with my hubby

Moving on :: up, to the east side, to a deluxe apartment, in the sky

Rachel :: Carson, Ray, Green

Chips :: when the chips are down (what does that really mean anyway?)

Texting :: I don't do it

Feel better :: I wish I did

Cashmere :: Sweater.....poor little goaties

Sucked :: it up!

Ok, those were lame answers, I think I am rusty. Want to try muttering yourself?

Kindergarten

2009-05-08T11:41:00.003-05:00

We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today.
~Stacia Tauscher~

I belong to several yahoo chat groups on unschooling. We have recently been discussing this article: Kindergarten Cram. If you don't feel like going to the link, the gist of it is Kindergartner's are now suffering through homework and testing. Egads!

Kindergarten is from the German meaning children's garden. What does one think of when they think of a child's garden? I know I think of trees and flowers and children running and playing, maybe stopping to pick and smell of the flowers, maybe trying to climb some of the trees. Maybe chasing each other and playing tag, or even having a picnic. I certainly don't think of little bodies stuffed into desks listening to some teacher drone on and on about their next testing session.

When I was old enough for Kindergarten both of my parents worked. I went to a normal public school Kindergarten (PS 98 in NYC) for about 3 weeks before my mother realized she could not work with the 1/2 day schedule. I don't remember too much about it other than the 2 1/2 hours going by very quickly. I don't remember going outside much, but it was right in the heart of Manhattan, so I can see why.

After realizing Kindergarten wouldn't work for me, I was put into a daycare center. I loved it there. I was in the class with the other "big" kids. Those of us who should have been in Kindergarten but weren't. I remember being one of the first kids dropped off in the morning and one of the last picked up at the end of the day. But I didn't mind it too much, I had a lot of fun there.

Those of us who were early arrivals got to eat breakfast at the center. I remember they used to let me eat bowls of peanut butter for breakfast. No one thought it was weird, no one shamed me, they just let me eat my bowl of peanut butter. I also remember they had a big table that they filled with sand in the cold months and water in the warmer months. Sand and water fun INSIDE! How cool was that! We used to make our afternoon snack together in the mornings, sometimes pudding, sometimes cookies. It was a fun thing to look forward to each morning knowing we would get to eat our creations that afternoon. We had our own cubbies and our own pillow and blanket for our nap time each afternoon. No one forced us to nap, if we weren't sleepy we just needed to have quiet time. Thinking back on all of this, I can't help but think that maybe some of my unschooling tendencies were quietly planted in my little head while at this daycare center. I think for 1973 they were definitely ahead of their time in their approach to children. But it was NY.

Finally, my most favorite memory of this center was the roof. Being NY, land is a premium and while there are plenty of parks, not too many were at schools, especially small private daycare centers. So they put a big chain link fence around the roof and built a huge playground up there. We had slides and swings and monkey bars and see saws and a sand box and it was all on the roof. And we got to go up there twice each day. Once in the morning and once after lunch. Even in the snow. I don't remember having to sit and "learn" something everyday while there, but I am sure learning took place. It was just in such a fun and free environment it happened naturally. Imagine that, learning being fun!

My own girls went to Montessori for Kindergarten. Montessori is also a very free environment. My girls loved it there. They too got to bake and create and go outside and just be kids in that environment. Their teachers were loving and genuinely cared about each child. That is what Kindergarten should be. I actually would prefer that Kindergarten didn't exist. Had I known about homeschooling/unschooling when my girls were little, they might not have gone to Montessori, but I can at least rest in knowing that by going I did them no harm. I am very glad I didn't subject them to public school Kindergarten, at least not what passes for Kindergarten today. Parents need to take back the schools. They need to do what is in the best interest of their children. Children need to play, they need to observe the world around them, they need to get outside and be in touch with nature. They don't need to be stuffed into desks in airless classrooms listening to some person who just wants to make it through her day drone on and on about meaningless drivel. Let our little ones be free. I can dream can't I?

You are worried about seeing him spend his early years in doing nothing. What! Is it nothing to be happy? Nothing to skip, play, and run around all day long? Never in his life will he be so busy again.
~Jean-Jacques Rousseau~

Friday Funny

2009-05-07T21:42:00.002-05:00

People Annoy Me

2009-05-05T21:32:00.003-05:00

I know I shouldn't let little things bother me, but they do, especially when my hormones are active!

One of biggest pet peeves is people who talk on their cell phone and drive. I'm sorry, but unless it's an emergency, you don't need to be on the phone while you drive. I want you watching the road, holding the wheel, making sure you know how to work the gas and brake, not making a nail appointment or chit chatting about what your daughter is wearing to the prom. Especially if you are in front of me. Especially if you pull out in front of me and have no clue what the speed limit is.

Tonight, on my way home from the grocery store this very thing happened. A woman (men do it too, so you're not off the hook) pulled out in front of me. I was close enough that I had to slam on the brakes. Then she proceeded to drive about 10 miles per hour under the limit, and of course she was on her phone. I had my window open, so I screamed "Hang up and drive!" but I don't think she heard me. And thankfully I only had to follow her 1/2 a mile or so before I had to turn off, or some severe road rage may have ensued.

I am pretty Libertarian in my views, I am ok to live and let live most of the time and I don't think we need a law for everything, BUT............I am ok with laws banning cell phones while driving. I think it makes perfect sense. One really should be concentrating on the road, there are so many idiot drivers out there, even if you are one, you should be watching out for the other ones. I know when I am talking on the phone at home I've burned dinner, I've ignored my children and I can even miss 1/2 of what Sonny says on General Hospital. So how is it if I miss all these things while talking on the phone at home that I would be perfectly fine talking while driving? It isn't, and I don't care who you are (channeling Larry the cable guy), you get distracted while talking on the phone. So don't talk and drive dammit! But if you decide to anyway, watch out for the pms'ing woman in the blue van, and whatever you do, do not pull out in front of her while on your cell phone. You may be sorry.

Oh, wouldn't the world seem dull and flat with nothing whatever to grumble at?

~W.S. Gilbert~

Happy Birthday to My Hubby John!

2009-05-04T15:58:00.002-05:00

We know we're getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday is not to be reminded of it.

~Author Unknown~

It's my DH's birthday today. A ripe old 55 years today. In case anyone wasn't aware, he is a tad bit older than me.

Last year I wrote out 54 things I love about my DH for his birthday. I'm sure they'd all be the same if I did it again, so I won't.

I know he reads this blog, even though he never comments. So, John, I just want you to know that I hope you had a great 54th year and I wish for only better things for the both us during your 55th. I Love You : )

There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.
~Martin Luther~

May! When Did May Get Here?

2009-05-02T20:36:00.003-05:00

Seriously, when is this time thing going to slow down a bit? It's like ever since I turned 40 I have gone over the top of the hill, and I am literally racing down the other side.

I had big plans of being a part of NaBloPoMo this month, but seeing as it is already May 2nd, I've already blown it. I guess I can strive for June, and with the way the months have been flipping by me, it will be here before I know it anyway.

We had a major milestone yesterday in our family....my eldest "graduated" from 8th grade. For regular readers, you know we unschool, so I use the term graduate loosely. It was really, to us, more of a rite of passage than a graduation, but we participated with our homeschooling co-op, and I don't think my idea of a rite of passage ceremony instead of a graduation ceremony would have gone over too well. So a graduation it was. I do plan to blog about it and put up pictures. Hopefully tomorrow.

Right now I just felt the need to check in to my poor neglected blog. Life's been busy the last few weeks, I think things will slow down a bit for us now heading into summer. Maybe I will feel time slow down a bit too, at least I hope so.

Pig of the Apocalypse

2009-04-28T19:32:00.003-05:00

It's My Blogiversary!

2009-04-26T18:04:00.004-05:00

Today is the one year anniversary of the start of my blog. As is usual with everything in my life, that was a fast year. This post will be the 175th one written since my start. All in all I don't find that too bad. That averages to just about a post every other day. (Math is not my forte so if something is amiss in that statement, keep it to yourselves!) I tried to blog everyday in January, and failed miserably, so I am happy to look back over the year and realize I had better effort than I thought.

My whole purpose in starting the blog was to get some thoughts out, write about things that interested me or that I had a passion for, and leave a legacy of myself on "paper". I had initially hoped it would help my family and friends keep informed on what was going on in my life. I have a sister who isn't too far from me and a brother all the way in AZ. Even though I informed my brother and SIL of my blog, I think only my brother has visited, and I think only once. I have no evidence my sister has ever taken the time to read it. So be it. If they had blogs, I would read them. I admit it hurts a bit that my own family has no interest in things I am passionate about, or wants to check in and see what I have to say about my girls. Such is life I suppose.

I am heartened by the fact that many people I have never met IRL visit my blog. I have made many online friends over the years, and some of them really have become life long buddies. We have groups where we chat and we like to check in with each other daily. If we don't hear from someone for a while we try to contact them in other ways to figure out if they are ok. I never would have thought 20 years ago, when I was barely computer literate that so much of my life would now revolve around my computer. I love my computer, my friends live in it (I stole that : )

Of course I know some RL (real life) friends read my blog, but so few of you ever comment I don't know who you are. I do wish those who visit would say hi. You don't have to comment on the post, just comment on being here. I have a feed on my sidebar that shows me where people come from who read this, but it doesn't tell me who you are. Won't you please write me a little a hello, on this, the 1st anniversary of my foray into blogdom?

So tomorrow will be April 27th, but it will also be the start of my 2nd blog year. I hope I can keep it interesting and I hope I can find as much, if not more, time to post than I did this last year. Thanks to those of you who faithfully read no matter how boring or mundane the topic....I think you know who are : )

“I think the pleasure of completed work is what makes blogging so popular. You have to believe most bloggers have few if any actual readers. The writers are in it for other reasons. Blogging is like work, but without coworkers thwarting you at every turn. All you get is the pleasure of a completed task.”
~Scott Adams~

Too Many Rolling Rocks

2009-04-25T23:19:00.002-05:00

I just had more beer than I've probably had since bc (before children). How will my brain mutter while intoxicated? Let's see:

Lease :: Please re LEASE me let me go

Dead :: I'm wanted, wanted, Dead or Alive

Removed :: I'll have you removed!

Broke :: If it ain't broke, don't fix it!

Lips :: Flaming

Flight :: of the Concords (is that a movie? I don't even know where I pulled that from!)

Three hours :: 8 days a week, I loooooovvvvvve you (don't know what that has to do with hours, but hey!)

Give :: give a little bit, give a little bit of your love to me

Technical :: Techie

Hurry :: You can't hurry love, no, you'll just have to wait

I like to sing when I'm inebriated. Now back to your regular programming ; )

Want to mutter drunk too?

Yes We Can!

2009-04-16T17:47:00.003-05:00

What is Really Important?

2009-04-14T22:01:00.003-05:00

My youngest daughter (Catherine) has been funny lately. It's like she suddenly realized how the world works and knows we tend not to live the "normal" way.

Last fall I taught a class at our homeschool co-op on painters and styles. One of the subjects was Jackson Pollock. I took the classes into the parking lot of the church where we meet and got them large pieces of paper and buckets of different colored paints and sticks and brushes and they went to town, a la Jackson Pollock. It was so much fun. I made a few paintings myself. It was such a free way of doing art. One didn't have to think about an end result, the art was in the doing.

Recently Catherine asked me if she could "Jackson Pollock" one of the walls in her room. I told her she'd need to clean it out a bit, so we could move all the furniture so she could have access to the one wall, and how we'd have to get some drop cloths to cover everything so she could splatter away. She laughed at my answer. She knows that not one of her friends would ever be allowed to do that in their rooms. She marveled that I didn't even bat an eye or give it a second thought. And why should I? It's her room. She wants to do art in her room. How cool is that? Currently she paints and draws on her walls, mostly by her bed. She has been using black, which I know will be a bit tough to cover, but when you walk into her room, you can see her personality all over the walls. I love that she knows she has the freedom to be herself in her room.

Another example: A few days ago Catherine was complaining about her hair. She wants to get it cut. We have been bartering haircuts with our neighbor whose dog we care for when she flies (she's a flight attendant). I haven't been able to set up an appt. for Catherine's hair, so she was complaining about it. And so she asked me if she could just cut it off. I told her she could, but she might not be happy with the results. She looked at me and laughed. She did not expect me to say she could cut her hair off. It's her hair and it's ONLY hair. Go ahead, cut it off. If it looks horrible, we'll just try to hurry that appt. along with the neighbor. She decided against cutting her own hair, but she genuinely appreciated that I didn't care if she did.

Why do some parents choose to control their children just for the sake of control? Who cares if kids paint their walls or cut their hair? I watch families a lot when I am out. I am always amazed at the battles I see going on between kids and parents. And so much of it is over the most trivial things. What shoes to buy, what jeans to wear, etc. I think it's just common sense to give kids respect, to listen to their opinions and feelings. I certainly wasn't raised that way myself, my parents would have killed me if I had drawn on my walls or cut my hair. I see a lot of sad kids in my day to day travels. Teens/tweens who are just beginning to have a sense of who they are away from their parents and yet they have no ability to control anything in their lives. They aren't allowed to voice an opinion or able to make the smallest or even the biggest of decisions. My eldest daughter has made the decision to go to high school next year. Some fellow homeschoolers are frowning on me for "allowing" her to make that decision. I'm not the one going to school, who else should be allowed to make that decision. She will be 14 1/2 when she enters high school. Isn't that old enough to decide for oneself?

What is the magic age of allowing children some autonomy over their lives? How about from birth? Listening to a babies cries and responding accordingly is letting them make decisions. I was never that parent that let a baby cry. They cried for a reason and I listened. As toddlers they got to to pick their own clothes and choose what foods to eat. As my kids got older they got to decide (age appropriately) what they needed. We did the family bed with our girls. At 5 years of age, Carley decided she wanted her own room. At 8 Catherine still shared a room with us (she had her own bed by then). People found it odd that I shared a room with my 8 year old. I wasn't about to force her to leave, she had the right to choose what she was comfortable with. At 10 she moved into her own room and loves it. I've never had night issues with my kids, nor sleep issues, because I've allowed them to make choices for themselves.

Too many people have stuck in their minds the way they thing things "should" be. Who said things need to be a certain way? I say make up your own rules. Live a life of joy and love instead of rules and boundaries. Be free.

I wish that every human life might be pure transparent freedom.
~Simone de Beauvoir~

Mutterin' on a Rainy Monday

2009-04-13T17:15:00.004-05:00

It's raining....it's cold. Bleh!

I missed muttering completely last week. So I will skip last week and start anew here:

Animal :: vegetable, mineral

Temporary :: tattoos

Moan :: and groan

Rapid :: ly beating heart?

That’s for me to say :: or, that's for me to know and you to find out.

City :: We built this city.......we built this city on rock and roll (I actually hate that song)

Bumper :: sticker

Eclipse :: of the moon

Problematic :: I think I am to some people sometimes

If? :: a picture paints a thousand words then why can't I paint you? The words will never show, the you I've come to know. (Remember that one, huh, huh? ; )

Want to mutter?

The Easter Song

2009-04-11T17:00:00.000-05:00

Wishing you all a joyous Easter

Minutes, Hours, Days, Weeks

2009-04-07T21:35:00.003-05:00

I just realized it's been a week since I wrote a blog post. I don't even know where the time went. It's not like I am super busy. I work part-time two days a week. I have co-op on Friday. I drive my girls places (like friends houses and kyuki-do lessons), take them to appointments (like doctors and dentists), take them to the library for books or anime night, try and keep the girls engaged during the day when I am not driving them places (that pesky homeschooling thing we do ; ) clean up after the cats (that hairball thing they do), go to the grocery store so we can eat, occasionally do the laundry (to keep my hubby happy), iron for hubby (so he'll look presentable at work) cook dinner at least a few nights a week, watch American Idol, etc., etc.

Writing it down makes it seem like I am busier than I am. Or maybe I should just cut myself some slack because I am busy. Looking over my list I realize I didn't even add anything I do for me. I suppose sitting at the computer and checking my email or Facebook would count as me time. Now if I only had a comfier desk chair I might enjoy it more. But then I'd probably see my time go by even more quickly, because if my chair was comfier, I might never get up, LOL.

I'm always so tired during the week, I really look forward to the weekend. But that just makes the week seem to go by quicker. Pretty soon several weeks have gone by and one wonders where the month has gone. I'm not sure how to remedy the problem. I suppose I should look forward to every day during the week. Not just live for Friday. Such is the life of a working family. We look forward to the weekend when dad is home and we can sleep in and hang out. No one has a class, no one needs to work. We can just be, our lives are our own, we don't need to be on anyone else's time schedule.

I want to look forward to retirement, but I don't want to be old. There's just no pleasing me I think. I want the best of everything, and I want it now. I want to be retired, I want my time to be my own, I don't want my husband to have to go to work. And I want it now, while we're young enough to enjoy it. So there!

(And of course it would be nice if these middle aged hormones didn't make me so moody ; )

Monday Mutterings

2009-03-30T15:39:00.002-05:00

Day late, dollar short, what else is new?

Road trip :: Florida, senior year!

Pool hall :: I played pool a lot in high school. At bowling alleys, not pool halls.

Extraordinary :: I believe I am ; )

Jackson :: Randy, or the Jackson 5

Heartfelt :: Emotion

Wet :: water is, opposite of dry

Strangle :: There are quite a few people I'd like to

.com :: computerland

Touched :: by an angel

Insipid :: boring, kind of like this word list.

Want to mutter?

Earth Hour or Human Achievement Hour?

2009-03-28T16:41:00.006-05:00

I have been thinking of ways to NOT participate in earth hour this evening. My hubby and I enjoyed ourselves last night thinking of all the different things we could turn on during earth hour. It's not that we don't appreciate our earth or want to help conserve resources. We just don't like to "go along with the crowd" and we certainly don't like to do as we are told. I can conserve and be "earth friendly" without celebrating "earth hour".

So with that said, finding this video at April's blog, I really liked what it said, and I felt the need to share. It seems like a much worthier cause than "earth hour" to me:

Choices

2009-03-23T17:45:00.003-05:00

"In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.”
~Eleanor Roosevelt~

We all have choices to make in this world. When I first got pregnant and held my first daughter, schooling was the farthest thing from my mind. I read a bunch of books about ways to parent, took a breast-feeding class and a baby basics class. I thought back to all the kids I baby-sat and how they were parented and how I was raised. But when it came down to it, I followed my gut.

I've always felt like I had pretty good intuition. I tend to rely on my instincts more than my intellect. So we co-slept, I nursed long term. I let my children self-wean instead of relying on someone else's standard of when my child should start and/or stop doing something. I never wanted to go the traditional school route, so I found Montessori which I loved. Then I learned about homeschooling. I liked having my girls around, I was never one of those parents who couldn't wait to get their kids into school, or who dread summer vacation and can't wait until fall so they can be rid of their kids again. (Don't get me started on the parents who say those things in front of their kids! That's another post!)

When we started homeschooling and using curriculum, we were miserable and it felt 'wrong". So I went back to my gut and got rid of the curriculum and read all about unschooling and knew that was the way for us. Some people don't understand it, some people don't get it. Whatever.

Now my girls are getting older and it's time for them to start listening to themselves. My oldest wants to go to high school. I think she's old enough to make this decision for herself. Some people I know think I shouldn't let her go. That's not what my heart is telling me. My heart is telling me it's time to trust and let go. It's time to loosen the apron strings a bit and allow her this opportunity. She might hate it and want to come running home. That's ok, I'll welcome her with open arms. Or she might love it and pull a little further away. That's ok too, she needs to figure out who she is and who she wants to be. It's not my job as her mother to protect her from living her own life.

Life is a wonderful gift, and I think too many people (I hate to lay the blame on Christians again, but here goes) Christians in particular, are so afraid of the world. They are so afraid to let their children meet or hang out with non-Christians, to let their children date or listen to certain music, etc., etc. How on earth are these kids going to survive as adults? Unless one lives in a commune, one has to engage in the world. I suppose families like the Duggars who keep their daughters in the closet until their husbands come calling would say no, one doesn't always need to engage in the world, but I disagree. I think it is far worse to shelter our children and leave them completely unprepared than it is to allow them into the world and let them make their own choices.

Of course I don't agree a six year old can make the same choices as a teen. It's all relative. And I admit I was a bit sheltering of my girls when they were younger. But now that they are entering those teen years, I have to hope that the things they have learned thus far will fare them well in the future. I remember when I was 14 (like my eldest). My mom was such a control freak, so I lied and snuck around. It would have been so much better if she could've listened to me and understood me and had an open relationship with me. My 14 year old daughters opinions are valid. Her concerns about her life are real. I think we have a relationship built on mutual repsect and trust. And I know she is wise and able to make smart decisions. I hear some of her friends talk and it saddens me. They are all mostly homeschoolers and a lot of them wish they had the opportunity to go to school. Their parents will never let them. Even as teens, they are not allowed to make any decisions regarding their own lives. Then there's the other camp of kids who dread even running into "public" school kids, lest they somehow become contaminated with their "worldliness". These kids parents have them paranoid about anyone who is not doing things just like them. One girl was talking about going to Community College next year. She said she visited and was "frightened" by the people there. You know, those "real world" people we all have to encounter everyday! Geez! Her parents have done her no favors.

I'm not trying to sing my own praises and act like I am mom of the year. But I do think my kids like me, and they often tell me I am a way better mom than any of their friends. I never would have said that about my own mom. I just want my girls to grow up confident in themselves and their abilities. To be able to go into the world and view it with wonder not fear. Of course not everyone "out there" is like us, and how boring it would be if they all were.

"A human being is a part of the whole that we call the universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest -- a kind of optical illusion of his consciousness. This illusion is a prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for only the few people nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living beings and all of nature."
~Albert Einstein~

Mutterin' on a Sunday Afternoon

2009-03-22T14:39:00.003-05:00

I've been a little busy to blog this week. Hope to get into some meaty subjects next week. Today, just a little mutterin'.

Studio :: Line by L'Oreal (yes, I am into hair and makeup!)

Meetup :: Meetup? Is that even a word? Spell check doesn't think it's a word. I guess people meetup.....I think the word is lame.

Ostrich :: bury your head in the sand (I hear they are tasty)

Jokes :: I can never remember them to re-tell them

Estranged :: I have never been estranged from a family member

Random :: Acts of kindness

Slap :: in the face

Hotel room :: I enjoy them

Inscribe :: I have several cookbooks inscribed by famous chefs....even Rachel Ray (who I don't really like)

Polar :: bears are dying, polar ice caps are melting, where's Algore when you need him? NOT!

Another boring utterance of mutterings. Want to try muttering yourself?

Irishness

2009-03-17T00:01:00.000-05:00

May the leprechauns be near you,

To spread luck along your way.
And may all the Irish angels,
Smile upon you St. Patrick's Day.

~Irish toast~

Today is St. Patrick's Day. A day my family always celebrated while I was growing up. My dad was a first generation American, both of his parents were Irish, met on the boat on the way over here. My mom was mostly Irish, her father had a bit of Scot in him. So when I was a kid, on St. Patrick's Day, my dad would break out the Irish Rover albums, my mom would whip up an Irish stew or some corned beef. And of course there was drinking. There was drinking even when it wasn't St. Patrick's Day, but that just gave everyone a better excuse.

So I found some funny Irish stories, some Irish quotes and proverbs to add to the merriment of the day and to help me remember my heritage. I also added a playlist below with some good Irish songs. There are the Irish Rovers, of course, in memory of my father, but there are also some good current bands on there, the Irish make some good music.

In case you are wondering, I will be making corned beef and cabbage in my house tomorrow. I'd much prefer a nice lamb stew, but my DH will not eat the poor baby lambs. So Corned beef it is.

Enjoy the wit and wisdom : )

*******************************************************************

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

***********************************************************

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight."

************************************************************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back , your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

**********************************************************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery"

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim? and please don't spare the details"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

**************************************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' "

**************************************************************

Definition of an 'Irish fact':
That which tells you not what is the case but what you want to hear.
~Hugh Kenner~

The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the words to a song - its that they know them all.
~Susan Dooley, Washington Post.~

When I look back on my childhood I wonder how I managed to survive at all. It was, of course, a miserable childhood: the happy childhood is hardly worth your while. Worse than the ordinary miserable childhood is the miserable Irish childhood, and worse yet is the miserable Irish Catholic childhood.
~Frank McCourt - Angela's Ashes~

"This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever."
~Sigmund Freud (speaking about the Irish~

"The most important thing to remember about drunks is that drunks are far more intelligent than non-drunks. They spend a lot of time talking in pubs, unlike workaholics who concentrate on their careers and ambitions, who never develop their higher spiritual values, who never explore the insides of their head like a drunk does."
~ Shane MacGowen, lead singer/songwriter for The Pogues~

"It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's simply that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody."
~ Brendan Behan~

May those who love us love us.
And those that don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we'll know them by their limping.

~Irish curse~

Late Sunday Night Mutterings

2009-03-15T22:52:00.004-05:00

It's been a long and tiring weekend. Drank a little too much with dh last night, so I'm working with a bit of a fried brain tonight. Let's see how my unconscious is feeling:

Sunburn :: I've had many

Aquarium : Lots of fishies

Otter :: I love Otters! Emmet Otters Jug Band Christmas : )

Awesome :: Like wow, it was so like totally awesome

LOL :: laughing out loud

Accordion :: Weird "Al" Yankovic

Hot Pocket :: A fairly unappetizing frozen food product

Grandstand :: Kind of like the covered bleacher section

Shaved ::I feel better when my legs are

Upgrade :: It's nice to get a free one

Ok kiddies, see how boring I am? Repeat after me: "Alcohol kills brain cells!"

Want to see if you have any brain cells left? Unconscious Mutterings

Thursday Night Funny

2009-03-12T19:08:00.003-05:00

Here's another stolen bit of humor. I don't who wrote this, but I enjoyed it and thought I'd share.

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several lines of code streaming up the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.

Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he had come up with.

Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished. and stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"

God chuckles, "Jesus saves."

You've Got to be Kidding Me!

2009-03-10T12:00:00.003-05:00

I guess this has been going on since 1996, but this is the first I've heard of it. It seems today, March 10th, is National Day of Appreciation for Abortion Providers. Here is a list of things they'd like everyone to do on this day:

Praise clinic staff and doctors with cards and letters of appreciation. Let them know they have your support and thanks.
Bring your local clinic staff flowers or a breakfast basket of fruit or muffins.
Organize local appreciation day events.
Organize with others to hold a March 10th dinner with area providers.
Step up to the front lines and be a volunteer clinic escort.
Ask your local provider how you can help.
Write your local newspaper, call talk shows to express support.
Take out ads in your newsletters and local newspapers.

Maybe we should institute a day of appreciation for mass murderers. I'm sure Ted Bundy would've appreciated a basket of muffins. Too bad we killed him for being a MURDERER.

I'm sorry, I realize that abortion is a volatile issue. And I don't mean to alienate anyone who has had an abortion or thinks they are OK, but I believe abortion IS murder. Just because the baby cannot survive outside it's mother while it grows big and strong, doesn't mean it has no right to live. Can a newborn live without someone taking care of it? No. So what's the difference? Just a few months, and oh, yea, the inconvenience some woman might have to go through being pregnant.

When women have babies and kill them at birth, they get prosecuted. It is inconceivable to me that an abortion can take place up till the moment of birth, and as long as the baby is killed in utero all parties are blameless, it's the law. But if that same mother gives birth in her bathroom and throws the baby into a garbage bag, she is deemed a murderer. What's the difference here? Murder has occurred both times.

I am not heartless btw. I know women who have had abortions. And I understand they felt it was the only choice they had at the time. But what if abortion hadn't been legal? What if that choice wasn't available? Would they have kept their babies, maybe given them up for adoption? If the whole world hadn't made it so easy to abort one's child, would women have chosen another way? Maybe sex wouldn't be thought of so casually. Maybe women would be more careful if they did choose sex. Maybe women would realize there are consequences to ones actions, and if you choose to have sex outside marriage or a serious relationship, you just might get pregnant and can you cope with that if it happens? If not, maybe they would think twice before seeking momentary pleasures that can change your life.

I got pregnant with my first daughter while I was suffering from a back injury. It was a workman's compensation case, and I found out I was pregnant just weeks before I was set to have surgery. My lawyer recommended I have an abortion so as not to compromise my case. Kill my baby to make sure I get the most money for my back injury. If abortion wasn't legal, would people say things like that? I was appalled that my lawyer would suggest such a thing to me. But he knew I wasn't married, and I had a serious back injury that required surgery. I'm sure he thought he was giving me the most practical advice.

It never crossed my mind to abort my daughter. I wasn't married, my now DH and I weren't really getting along at the time and I was supposed to have a major surgery in a month. But it still never crossed my mind that I wouldn't have my child. It was scary at the time wondering how I would care for her if my relationship with her father didn't work out. I wondered how my back was going to survive being pregnant. But for some reason, God chose that time in my life to create a new life. And today I cannot imagine my life without her.

When the Roe vs. Wade case made abortion legal, people knew far less about babies in utero than they do now. Babies can survive outside the womb at 24 weeks now. That didn't happen 40 years ago. Doctors then were even unsure if babies felt pain, if they responded to stimuli. They certainly didn't think that drinking and smoking and prescription drugs hurt a baby. But we now know those things do affect babies in utero. It can be proven. But abortion has become such a huge political issue that no one will look at the facts. It's all about women wanting the right to do what is convenient for them at the time. We are allowing a selfish group of individuals, with a whole lot of money behind them, to set the agenda for our country. And that is an agenda of infanticide in my book. And somehow we need to get it to stop. But how? We have a president now who told reporters that if his daughter's ever made a "mistake" he wouldn't want them to be "punished" with a child. That's what babies have become to some, a punishment. And now we even want to reward abortion providers with a special day of appreciation, where we need to bring them flowers and baskets of muffins to thank them for being "so brave" to want to take a babies life.

We have fallen so far.

"I feel the greatest destroyer of peace today is "Abortion", because it is a war against the child...
A direct killing of the innocent child, "Murder" by the mother herself...
And if we can accept that a mother can kill even her own child, how can we tell other people not to kill one another?
How do we persuade a woman not to have an abortion?
As always, we must persuade her with love...
And we remind ourselves that love means to be willing to give until it hurts...
~ Mother Teresa~

Muttering on a Rainy Sunday

2009-03-08T18:10:00.003-05:00

It has rained all weekend. Bleh. I only like warm rain, and especially when accompanied by thunder and lightning. We had a few rumbles, but nothing spectacular. So I'm in a gloomy mood.

Mourning :: I am in it for my country

Approval :: I don't need anyone's

Lotion :: Aveeno

Perspire :: I like to think I glisten

Language :: Speak English Dammit!

Defection :: I hope I never have to resort to it

Play :: I prefer musicals

Graphic :: novel

Spicy :: Mexican food, yum.

In love :: I am with my DH.

Gloomy answers for a gloomy mood. Want to try muttering?

Quotes To Make You Think

2009-03-07T15:46:00.004-06:00

An online friend, Carma, has made a squidoo page with some excellent quotes. It's a long page, but they are all worth reading, which is why I am linking to it here. I strongly encourage you to take a look : )

My Youngest Turns 12

2009-03-06T15:48:00.011-06:00

Today is my youngest daughters birthday (Catherine). She was born at almost 11pm, so I am trying to time this post in relation to her actual birth. Her tale is not as dramatic as my other daughters. Catherine only took one day to make her appearance into the world.

Funnily enough, I can't seem to remember the particulars as much as I can with my older daughter. Maybe already having a toddler when I was due with my second made my mind overwhelmed. I do remember first going to my doctors office around noon. She determined I was in labor and at about 3 cm and sent me to the hospital. We arrived there around 2:00pm. My sister left work and met us there to take Carley to her house. It was sad watching Carley go, she had never left us before.

Just as I was getting settled into my hospital room, my water broke. That was a very weird experience. I had already had an epidural when my doctor broke my water with Carley, so being "un-numb" and having it spontaneously happen was weird. And slightly alarming. But we hoped it was a good sign that things would move quickly along. Unfortunately that was not going to be the case. Since I had an epidural with Carley, I wanted one with Catherine.

Oh and here is a little aside: I had an amnio at 20 weeks so I knew I was having a girl and we had already named her Catherine. No big surprises for me at the birth. I like to plan ahead.

Anyway, I wanted an epidural after my water broke. So they got the anesthesiologist. He came in and looked at my back. "Have you had back surgery" he asked? "Yes, I had a spinal fusion", I replied. "Oh, well you can't have an epidural then". Witness Donna melt-down. Hello? My OB knew I had surgery on my back. She never mentioned I couldn't receive an epidural. I panicked. I didn't think I could do this delivery thing "au natural". But I had no choice.

My doctor needed to put an IV in me because I tested positive for Group Strep B. The nurses wanted to put an internal monitor on the baby, but that would've confined me to the bed, and since I wasn't getting an epidural, I wanted to be up. Thankfully my doctor didn't care what the nurses wanted, she let me be up. Which was interesting seeing as my water had broken. I had to carry a pad between my legs as I walked around the room so as not to leak.

So things progressed and at about 5:00pm I was checked. Still at 3cm. Uh oh. She wanted to give me pitocin. Without an epidural. I wasn't pleased with that, but since I wasn't progressing, she felt maybe I would just need it a short time to kick start things. So the pitocin was added to my IV. Yikes. Glad I didn't have to feel that with my first or may not have had a second. It really was extreme pain.

Between 5:00 and 7:00 (times are approximate), I progressed to 6cm, so my doctor said she would stop the pitocin and see how things went. Well, all things stopped again. What the heck is wrong with my body?

I think it was around 7 or 8 she started the pitocin again. I remember things in a dazed sort of way. I really went into the pain zone for a while. All I could concentrate on was contractions and pain. It's kind of like everything around me was a blur. I had a great doctor though. She didn't abandon me and leave the nurses in charge. She was there most of the time. She even ordered a pizza with my husband 1/2 way through the day. (Luckily I was in pain and not paying attention, otherwise I might have been miffed that my hubby and cute doctor were going off to share a pizza together).

I remember her checking me again around 10:30pm. I was at 8cm. Seeing how the progress had been the rest of the day, she figured maybe another hour or two before I would be at 10cm. About 5 mins after that, I remember feeling an uncontrollable urge to push. It was like something else had taken over my body. I told the doctor " THE BABY IS COMING!" She said she can't be coming, I'm only at 8cm. I said "NO SHE IS COMING RIGHT NOW!"

So she quick checked me and sure enough I was at 10 and the baby was right there. Nothing was ready. Everyone had been taking their time. All of a sudden it was a big commotion. The bed comes apart so I can get my feet up. Lights come out of the ceiling, someone runs off to get the isolette for the baby. And then I start to push. I didn't feel this kind of pain with Carley. I think I only had to push about 5 times to get Catherine out. But there was no time to numb me "down there" or to give me an episiotomy. So I tore. And it felt like someone had held hot coals to me "down there". Ripping flesh is not a pleasant experience. But then baby was out. And she was perfect. So Catherine Ann Clasen was born March 6, 1997 at 10:55 pm.

This picture is of me and my doctor with a little bundled up Catherine just after she was born.

Then I had to deliver the afterbirth, and boy did those contractions suck. I really must have had a lot of residual epidural effect with Carley. These pains were all very new to me. And then of course my doctor had to stitch up the tear. And by now it was close to midnight and I was hungry and tired and just wanted everyone away from my body. But one good thing about skipping the epidural was that I was able to get up and walk right away. It felt good to be up. And someone, somewhere in the hospital, found me a turkey sandwich at 12:30am because I was starving.

Below is a picture of my step-daughter Raina holding Catherine and Carley is kissing her head. This was the day after Catherine was born, we were still in the hospital.

And here is Catherine at about 2 years old

And here she is now

Isn't she lovely.........

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Truly He taught us to love one another,
His law is love and His gospel is peace.